Stuck on an Island
by anotherblastedromantic
Summary: Captain Jack Sparrow finds himself stuck on an island again... but this time he is trapped with a few other characters: Legolas Greenleaf, Violet Baudelaire, Artemis Fowl, and even Van Helsing. Madness ensues.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** Hello there, curious readers! I'm sure you're probably all wondering what on earth is this fanfic doing in a POTC section, and I can probably explain. This really isn't a POTC fic, it's a mixture of all sorts of thigns crammed together in one parody/humor/whatever story. It has Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean, A Series of Unfortunate Events, Artemis Fowl, Harry Potter, and even Van Helsing later on in the story. Really, it's just a bunch of characters from books and movies that I like whom I've decided to put on one big desertedisland as mentioned from Pirates of the Caribbean. Since the setting is from Pirates of the Carribbean, you can see why I chose to put it under the POTC category. And even though this is supposed to be a POTC fic, I started off with introducing Legolas Greenleaf into the tale. Captain Jack Sparrow comes later. Well, that's enough expaining. Let us begin!

**Stuck on an Island**

Legolas Greenleaf sat with his hands on his chin, back to his loyal companion Gimli the Dwarf. Being an Elvin pretty-boy had its ups and downs, but this had to be the worst thing he had ever gotten himself into. After the War of the Ring, the Fellowship sworn to fight against evil had gone its separate ways. Aragorn, Legolas' best friend, had become King of Gondor. Boromir had gotten shot, (Legolas never liked him anyway—he cramped his style) while his brother had gotten the dame. Frodo Baggins, the wimpy whelp that complained the whole way about just carrying the ring, and Samwise Gamgee, Frodo's security guard, had gone back to their land called the Shire, followed by their idiot accomplices Pippin and Merry. Sam, Pippin, and Merry had gotten married, and had lots of kids. (Hobbits multiply like bunnies.) Frodo, however, still complained about the ring, even when he destroyed it, and finally got the hint and decided to sail off to nowhere. Good riddance. Legolas and Gimli, however, had grown close through the war, and decided to go adventuring. They hopped on a boat, which almost sunk because of Gimli's weight, and bid goodbye to Middle-Earth. However, Legolas was beginning to regret his decision.

"Legolas, I am hungry. Let's have lunch," Gimli boomed.

"We just had lunch not but 5 minutes ago. You ate everything, remember?" Legolas said quietly.

"Oh… yes… now I recall. So, let's have a snack." Gimli looked in the basket. It was empty. "Why, there's nothing in here!" he exclaimed.

"No kidding."

"Did we go through it that fast?"

Legolas turned and gave Gimli a very dry look. "We've been sailing off course for hours. I tried to read the map, but you spilled wine on it. I tried to get the compass. But you thought it was a biscuit and ate it. We're lost, Gimli."

"Oh…" Gimli mumbled. They sailed for another few hours, until a great growling sound was heard.

"Ggggggrggglllllllllrrrrrrrrr rnnnggggggrgggg…" said Gimli's stomach, shaking the boat.

"I'm sooooooo hungry!" Gimli whined, clutching his belly.

"Well deal with it," Legolas said, eyes narrowing. "I think there's a spot of land over there…"

Gimli stared at Legolas.

"Yes," Legolas continued, "I see mountains!"

"I wonder how elf meat tastes," Gimli said to himself.

"Land ho!" Legolas shouted gaily, standing up. He turned toward Gimli, who was advancing toward him with a fork and knife.

"Just a bite…"

Legolas screamed girlishly, and jumped off the boat, leaving Gimli sitting by himself. Gimli looked at his arm, and started to salivate. "I wonder what dwarf meat tastes like…"

Artemis Fowl was a very smart boy.

Ever since he was eleven, he had been involved in the most genius of crimes. He had always been very smart from the beginning, of course, but when he turned twelve he discovered the fairy world: a technologically advanced people living under humans' noses all along. He captured one of the people's captains, and blackmailed the LEP (Lower Elements Police) in order to get several thousand pounds in gold. He donated some of it to help his mother who had gone mad, and later on rescued his missing father from the Russian Mafia. He had previous adventures involving the Fairy People after that, at one time they tried to erase his memory of them, but of course it was in vain. Now he spent his time taking advantage of several big-time industries, and hacking into the most protected files on the web—the usual hobbies for the average 19-year-old genius. But now, he found himself in a rather sticky situation, as he woke up on an unknown beach with none of his adopted fairy technology.

"Blast," he swore under his breath, and surveyed the area. He appeared to be on a very small island. Luckily there were a fair number of trees about, so he shouldn't have any problem making a distress signal if rash actions were demanded.

Artemis began to walk around the edge of the island. He wasn't five minutes into his walk when he heard a noise. He narrowed his eyes and listened closely. It sounded like a girl crying. He looked around. Sitting on top of a hill was a young girl, who looked to be around 18. He approached the girl carefully. Normally it was not like him to walk up to complete strangers and ask for directions, but in this case, he would make an exception.

"Madam," he said, reaching the top of the hill, "are you all right?"

The girl looked up. She had a fair face, even though it was tearstained, with dark wet hair damply holding a ribbon.

"Are you all right, miss?" he repeated in his thick Irish brogue.

"Excuse me," she said, standing up. "You wouldn't have happened to see a boy and a little girl would you? The boy is about this height, and is about 16, and the girl looks to be about 4 and has abnormally sharp teeth."

"I'm afraid not," said Artemis. "Until now you're the only person I've seen. Do you know where we are?"

"No, I was about to ask you," said the girl, tears forming in her eyes. "But I need to find my brother and sister immediately. They could be in great peril. Excuse me," she said, and turned to go.

"Wait," Artemis stopped her, "if we're both lost, then we should really try to look for help together rather than splitting up."

The girl paused, and nodded her head. They walked alongside each other on the shore.

"May I inquire your name?" Artemis asked, arms behind his back.

"Uh… Violet Baudelaire."

"Violet Baudelaire? Of the Baudelaire Fortune?" Inquired Artemis, interested.

"Um… yes."

"I read about you and your siblings in some crackpot newspaper. They said you'd been committing some crimes in the past few years having to do with arson, jailbreak, and murder. Rather interesting, actually."

"It's not true—" Violet started nervously.

"I didn't think so," Artemis continued casually. "Very few adolescents are capable of committing major crimes." He smiled inwardly, thinking of his wonderful accomplishments with the fairy gold.

"It's not a matter of capability; it's a matter of morale. Some prefer not to look to the wrong decision, because they've seen so many evil things and what the consequences are… Mr.…?"

"Fowl," Artemis said, extending his hand. "Artemis Fowl. Of the Fowl Fortune. You probably haven't heard of my father's dealings with the Russian Mafia, I take it," Artemis said, once again proud of his family name.

"I'm afraid not," Violet said quietly, beginning to regret revealing her identity to someone who may have ties with the Mafia.

"Oh?" said Artemis, surprised and a little bit embarrassed.

"No. My siblings and I don't have a lot of time to keep up with the news, as we are constantly… on the move." Violet sadly remembered about her siblings, and what sort of danger they could be in right now.

"I see," said Artemis, taking a good look at Violet. She was undoubtedly pretty, but had a sad sort of air about her like she had been down every dead-end road. It wasn't in Artemis to be interested in girls (or they him, possibly because of his scary vampire-like looks or his monster pride), but this girl seemed to be very well-read. He looked ahead, and stopped. "Do you hear that?"

Violet stopped too. "Yes."

It was a strange sort of screaming sound, coming from over the hill. Suddenly, a man appeared, kicking and stomping around, screaming all sorts of curses and swears.

"Come on," Artemis said, grabbing Violet by the wrist. "Maybe he can tell us where we are."

Captain Jack Sparrow woke up with a blistering headache. He had been out pillaging all night with his crew, set a ship afire, mixed and mingled with a pair of French twins, and had gotten terribly drunk. He remembered dropping on the deck of his beloved ship, the Black Pearl, after dancing to a karaoke version of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun." After that, it was pretty much blurry: but he remembered his crew dragging him somewhere, and being dumped on a boat lead by some freaks wearing robes and carrying sticks, and after that—black. His eyelashes fluttered, he groaned, and rolled over.

Wait. This wasn't his nice warm bed, gently tilting and creaking to the rhythm of the sea. Instead, it was the granular feel of warm sand against his cheek, heated by the tropic sun. His brown eyes snapped open. He jumped up.

"Oh no." Jack looked around. It was happening again. Twice he was dumped on some island, with nothing but a few bottles of rum and once an annoying aristocratic brat named Elizabeth Swann to look forward to, but now…

"NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed to the sky. "Why?! Why must it always happen to me? It's not fair! Why can't you bloody people just leave me alone with my ship?!" He doubled over, and lay there in the fetal position.

"Human?" said an unnaturally high voice from behind him. "Human, are you ill?"

Jack sat up, and looked around. Standing before him was a tall, amazingly handsome young man with pointy ears and long blonde hair that flowed in the wind. "Do I bloody look all right?" he said, his words slurring. "I've lost my ship, I keep finding myself on abandoned islands, and I've got a hangover…" he jumped up, and ran over to a tree, throwing up the rest of last night's festivities.

The young man with beautiful hair flinched, and said, disgusted, "You humans are so uncivilized… ugh."

Jack glared from behind the tree. "Have you seen a ship with black sails and a wench holding a seashell-thing for a hood ornament with a crew full of traitors on it?"

The young man looked puzzled. Jack sighed, and started to walk away, when seeing two figures come up from the other side of the island. As they got closer, Jack could see their faces. There were two young people, a boy and a girl, who looked to be about 18. The girl had a pretty little face; however, the boy looked like something out of a cheesy old vampire movie. Jack shuddered.

"I say!" the boy called. "You! Can you tell me where we are?"

Jack looked around for some sort of cross or stake. "Me? Oh, you don't want me. I've got too much alcohol in me blood. Why don't you take that lovely girl beside you, hmm?" He turned to the young man with pointy ears. "Do you have any garlic on you?"

The boy and girl were now approaching them. The young girl spoke up. She had a soft, sweet voice—like a lark who'd been caged in a house for too long. "Please, can you tell us where we are? I have to get back to my family, and—"

"More humans! Fascinating!" the pointy-eared man cried, flouncing up to the girl. He touched her wet black hair, and examined her purple sailor-type uniform, slightly tattered and sopping. He then turned to the boy, but when getting a cold fierce glare out of two icy eyes, he shrieked, and jumped behind Jack, peeking out from behind his shoulder. Jack ignored it, as his attention was on the girl, who had now become very distressed.

"There now, lass, there's no need to be afraid. What's your name?"

The girl looked up. She seemed to pondering on whether or not she should give her real name, or an alias, like she had been wrongly accused of a crime and was being chased down by some evil maniac with a unibrow. "Violet Baudelaire," she said.

"Violet," Jack repeated. He grinned his most dashing and pirate-y grin. This was a heck of a lot better than Elizabeth. He turned to the vampire. "And who are you?"

"Artemis Fowl, of the Fowl Family. I'm one of the wealthiest heirs in the UK, as proclaimed by _Scoop Weekly_."

"Fowl, that sounds familiar. Have I raided you before?"

"No," Artemis said smugly, "I don't think you have, being as I have one of the most advanced technology systems in the world, with a high-tech security system that cannot even be cracked by the most genius of technicians."

"Artemis Fowl!" the blonde man cried, stepping forth. "I heard all about you and the LEP Recon. You stole a bunch of fairy gold back when you were 12, or 11, or something! I heard all about you and Captain Holly Short from my fairy friends."

Artemis looked stunned. "You… you know about the Lower Elements Police?" he said, regaining his cool expression.

"Yes."

"Then you must be an—"

"An elf," he said proudly. "We're not as advanced as fairies, but we're much prettier and we can kick butt when it comes to wars against power-obsessed villains tracking hairy-footed people carrying possessed jewelry…" He drifted off into his own world, murmuring things like, "The ring was mine…stupid little Frodo with his fat little boyfriend…stupid Gandalf… 'Don't buy the gold ring for Sauron for Christmas… buy something cheap at Claire's…' But nooooooooo…"

Everyone looked confused. When the elf snapped back to normal, he said, "Legolas Greenleaf, pleased to meet you."

Artemis edged away.

"Right," Jack said, breaking the silence. "Violet, Lego-lass, Arty-miss, and I'm Captain Jack Sparrow: best pirate captain on the seven seas, pillaged 300 ships, loved 500 women," he grinned at Violet, "so we all know each other. Now, does anyone know how to get off this island?" Silence. "Nope. So… what do we do now?"

"Dobby will be the judge of that," a voice from above said. Everyone looked up. A weird elf-looking think wearing a sock on its head was sitting in a tree. Legolas groaned.

"What is that thing? And who's Dobby?" Jack hissed.

"It's a house elf. Apparently its name is Dobby. Their purpose in life is to serve wizards. Wizards are very tiresome folk; they always think they're better than everyone else because they have magical powers." He went off into another trance-like thing, talking to himself. "Stupid… Dumbledore… I wanted to get in… but noooooo, you're no better than a Muggle… grumble…"

Everyone, including the house elf, stared at him. The house elf cleared his throat. "If you are referring to Master Dumbledore, Dobby will have to protest. Master Dumbledore is a very noble wizard, who is both wise and honorable. He takes good care of his students, and makes sure that _other_ Muggles do not harm them."

Legolas gave the house elf named Dobby a death stare.

"Excuse me," Jack interrupted, "but I'll have to ask what the heck's going on."

"I agree," Artemis agreed, "even I don't have the faintest idea what's happening."

"Dobby will tell you," Dobby said, breaking the tension between him and Legolas. "We wizards have decided to make a reality show with all you Muggles. You've all been put on this island together to try to work out a way to survive."

"Survive?!" Jack shouted. "The only things on this island to survive off of are coconuts and rum!" he stopped, and looked at Violet. "Do you know how to make Pina Coladas?"

"But what about our present lives?" said Violet, ignoring Jack. "I have to get back to my family!"

"Don't worry, miss," Dobby said, "We have created a time warp so as you will never be gone. Once you get off this island, you will return as if nothing has happened. And for survival, Muggle Sparrow—"

"It's CAPTAIN Sparrow. CAPTAIN," said Jack, annoyed.

"Yes. Dobby will provide you with supplies for survival, like meat." He snapped his fingers, and a chicken appeared. "See?"

Artemis stared at the chicken. "Do you mean to tell me," he said in a low voice, "that you expect us to survive on a desolate island for some delinquent's entertainment?"

"Precisely, Muggle Vampire." Dobby smiled.

"I'M GONNA BLOODY KILL YOU!" roared Jack, lunging at Dobby. Dobby grinned, and disappeared. Jack fell on his face with a thud.

Everyone was silent. Violet bit her lip. Artemis stared disgustedly at the chicken. Legolas pulled out a file and buffed his fingernails.

"So… we're stuck here... and we're not gonna get off any time soon…" Jack said, lying on his stomach. He seemed to still be processing this information. Artemis rolled his eyes.

"Right. I think we should try to make camp; it's getting dark." He turned to Legolas. "You. Do you know how to pitch tents?"

"Puh-leeze," Legolas said, waving a delicately manicured hand. "It's a piece of cake. When I was working in the Fellowship in the War of the Ring, our co-leader Gandalf always made me pitch the tents because on account of he liked looking at me bend over all the time," he tried to stare admiringly at his butt, but when failing, continued, "so I made a way that I could pitch a tent in under five seconds without so much as bending over." He looked to the sky, and shouted, "How do you like THAT, GANDALF?! You and your stupid wizards can all just—"

"And you," Artemis interrupted, breaking Legolas' maniacal phase. He turned to Violet. "Do you know how to make a fire?"

Violet nodded meekly. "I can help with something else—"

"Great!" Jack said, grabbing her. "You can help me gather firewood! Come on!"

He dragged Violet into the little grove-like forest that covered the island. He pulled out his knife that he luckily still had (he kept it tucked away in a secret place that not even wizards could find), and started hacking down trees. "So, Violet, how old are you exactly?"

"I'm 19," Violet said, looking around.

Jack smiled a dastardly smile. He tried to think of how many young women he had philandered with that were 19 and younger. "Do you have any hobbies?"

"Well, I sort of haven't had the time for any of them, but I do enjoy inventing things in the mechanical field." Violet smiled.

Jack rolled up his sleeves and began to hack some more. "I'm not about any of that land-loving rot. I belong to the ocean…" He stopped, and got this dreamy poetic look in his eye. "Just on the sea, me and my ship, and there are no clouds in the sky… how about you?"

"Well, I have had a few experiences dealing with the ocean…" Violet looked out to the sea nearby, remembering the fateful day on the beach when she and her siblings were informed that their parents died and their house burned to the ground. The ocean was so beautiful here, it was calming. It wasn't anything like the ocean Violet remembered 4 years ago. She wondered about her siblings, and what they were doing right now. Her thoughts were interrupted by a high-pitched squeal.

Jack and Violet ran back to the clearing. Legolas was on his knees, sobbing.

"What happened?" Violet asked, approaching Legolas.

"Oh, it's so horrible," Legolas sobbed, "this place is so horrible. I wish I were back home with Grandma Galadriel, baking lembas cookies. Waaaaah…" he sobbed into Violet's shoulder, shoulders heaving. Violet, slightly uncomfortable herself, comforted Legolas stiffly.

"Get a hold of yourself, man," Artemis said. "What's the matter?"

"I was trying to pitch the tent, and… I broke a nail!" Legolas sobbed violently into Violet's shoulder. Everyone, including the chicken Artemis was trying to catch, rolled their eyes.

"Why don't I pitch the tent," Violet said, "and you can catch the chicken?"

"But… but what if I get hurt?" Legolas said, eyelashes quivering.

"I doubt you'll get hurt trying to catch something that clucks," murmured Jack, staring Legolas. He was trying to figure out if Legolas was a eunuch.

Violet took the pieces of wood Legolas was trying to pitch the tent with, and looked around at the palm trees around her. She took a ribbon out of her pocket, and tied up her hair (a habit she had when she was trying to think or invent something) so it wouldn't get in her eyes. She turned to Jack, still in thought, and said, "May I borrow your knife?"

Jack promptly handed it to her. Violet began cutting up the sticks, and started to shred the trees of their leaves, branches, and bark. Artemis walked over to watch her. Violet tore a long piece of string from her dress, and began to sew the palm leaves and bark together to make a canvas. Jack caught on to the idea, and started taking the branches and bending them to make a crude sort of base for the tent. Artemis helped Violet take the piece of canvas and drape it over the skeleton of the tent, and held it down with the cut up pieces of sticks hammered into the ground. When the tent was finished, Violet, Jack, and Artemis stepped back to admire the shelter they had made by working together. (Not realizing how cheesy that sounded, of course.)

Legolas gave an angry roar, and lunged at the chicken. He landed on top of it, and started struggling with it. The chicken gave an enraged cluck, and started pecking at Legolas' pretty hands. Legolas shrieked, and forced his weight onto the chicken. "I tackled 200 soldiers riding on an elephant at Minis Terith, I can tackle you!"

The chicken struggled a little longer, but finally slowed, and fell still. Legolas cautiously raised himself up, and when seeing he had won, raised its limp body over his head, striking the famous "Link found something!" pose from the popular video game, "Legend of Zelda." He gleefully danced around, waving the poultry about. Artemis, Violet, and Jack looked on at the morbid sight, rather disgusted.

"We need to make a fire and eat before it gets dark," Violet said, grabbing the firewood that lay abandoned in the brush.

"I'll do that," Jack said gallantly, and grabbed the wood, rubbing it furiously together. He continued this process for quite a while, his chocolaty brown eyes narrowing and little beads of sweat running down his face. Finally, a little spark emerged, and a puff of smoke floated into the air. "Oh, this is no good," grumbled Jack, and looked around. "I wonder if that old rum cash is still around…" He jumped up, leaving the puny spark a-burning, and wandered off, murmuring things to himself. Violet and Artemis sat down, and wearily tried to make the fire larger.

"I didn't know you were so… utilitarian," mumbled Artemis, struggling for conversation. He didn't have his faithful bodyguard, Butler, to talk with him, and there were obviously no other people around worth talking to, so he figured he would have to try to make a friend while he was stuck on this crack-pot island, and Violet seemed to be the only person friendly—and sane—enough here.

"Thank you," Violet smiled, poking at the fire.

"Um… I'm… sorry about your family."

Violet looked down. "It has been hard for all of us, especially me. It's difficult trying to run a family all by yourself, let alone running a family while running from a terrible villain set on making your life miserable until the end of your days…" she drifted off.

(It's funny how complete strangers can reveal their deepest darkest secrets and feelings to each other over an open fire—or rather, a measly spark—on a cool tropical night. Violet never talked about her feelings, only with her two other siblings, but we'll get to that later.)

Artemis was trying to search for something comforting to say (which was very unlike him, but remember the deep-dark-secrets-over-the-fire theory we discussed) but he was interrupted by a gleeful shout.

Suddenly, Jack burst through with a merry grin on his face. "HaHA! I knew there had to be at least one bottle left!" And with that, he poured a bottle on the spark. The spark exploded into a roaring bonfire in a split second. Artemis and Violet jumped back, as Jack danced around it like some heathen. Legolas soon came back with a plucked chicken, ready for cooking.

"Hoorah!" Legolas called, joining Jack in the merry jig. He grabbed a stick nearby, and prodded the poultry into it, waving it over the majestic bonfire. "It's like Lentil day, only we're not wearing lingerie and we're in the tropics instead of the streets of Rivindell!"

Choosing to ignore the comment made by Legolas, Jack grabbed Violet by the waist and flung her into the festivities. Looking very scared, Violet was twirled from Legolas to Jack and back again. Artemis stood in the background with his hands jammed in his pockets, overviewing the situation like it was a reenactment of the mating habits of deer on the Discovery Channel.

After a filling dinner of roasted chicken and alcohol for Jack and Legolas, the four sat around the bonfire, talking.

"So—hiccup—Jack, how about another round of the pirate song? Hiccup?" Legolas asked, voice cracking. Artemis twitched. They had been singing that wretched song over and over again for the past hour, and most of the words they didn't know and slurred out.

"Please spare us," Artemis said in a low voice.

"Very well, old mate," Jack said, swaying to and fro. He took a deep breath, and started belting out 'Yo ho yo ho, a Pirate's Life for Me,' in a deep baritone voice. Legolas joined in a high soprano. They linked arms, and started spinning and singing around the bonfire. Violet watched them with interest. She had heard some very pretty harmonies when her parents were alive and took her to concerts, but it was strange that now was the best she had heard in her life—especially since the two singers were a pirate and a gender-confused elf and terribly drunk.

"Wepillageandplunderandlalala lala, drink up me hearties yo ho! Yo ho yo ho, a pirate's life for meeeee…" Legolas sang out. He wavered, and dropped to the ground, long golden hair spread out like a blanket beside him.

Jack stared at him, and said in slurred tones, "That man has a drinking problem."

Artemis sighed, and said quietly said to himself, "It's a wonder I haven't gone mad already. I don't know how I'll be able to survive another hour with these two here."

Violet stood up, and trudged to the tent, Artemis following. Jack pried the rum bottle from Legolas' hands, held it tight to him, and crawled into the tent. The three didn't have any blankets, so instead chose to snuggle close together for body warmth. Jack took special care to conveniently sleep on the outside, next to Violet, and away from Artemis, who he still was scared of. As the other two teenagers drifted off to sleep, Jack sat up, remembering Legolas still on the outside. He paused and shrugged, deciding it was better if Legolas was out there, and soon fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: 'Ello, poppets! Thank you for reviewing. This is my second fic and I'm very anxious to see how it will turn out. I have decided that my chapters are just a tad long and to make it easier for you readers and lengthen the story, I'm going to split the day up into two chapters, instead writing one chapter for one day of being on the island. To the disclaimers: I don't own one single thing in this story. Not one single thing.

Ch. 2, pt. 1

Legolas woke up to cloudy grey skies. His clear blue eyes stared up at the massive clouds coming in, and he sat up. Palm trees were waving and bending due to the force of the wind, and a branch fell down and whacked him in the face.

"Ow!" he cried, and jumped up, unfortunately into the ashes of last night's bonfire. "AAAUUGH!" he roared, and scampered into the tent by him.

Inside it was peaceful, and the soft breathing of sleeping bodies was mixed with the lulling sound of waves crashing against the beach and the wind whispering through the cracks of the tent. He looked down. Lying to the right was Artemis, sleeping with his arms crossed, his lower lip poking out in a childlike pout. In the middle was Violet, snuggled between the two males. Legolas thought that if she had pointy ears he could've mistaken her for an elf, for he thought she looked very elegant when she was sleeping. (This would've been an enormous compliment to Violet had she been awake, for normally elves don't think anyone else beautiful other than themselves.) Jack was at the left, softly snoring, his right arm draped across Violet. His left thumb was stuck in his mouth.

Legolas took a moment to admire the peaceful scene, wishing he had a camera, before abruptly shouting, "WAKE UP, MORTALS!"

Artemis' eyes snapped open, and when he realized a female was sleeping beside him, he sat up quickly, looking around. He breathed a sigh of relief when realizing the situation around him. "Thank heavens," he sighed, "I thought I was married and…" he saw Legolas staring at him, "never mind."

Violet sat up, and stretched sleepily. "What's going on?" she said softly.

"There's a storm brewing outside. I've seen weather like this before. We need to find better shelter before it hits." Legolas said grimly.

"Who do you think you are, Clint Eastwood?" Artemis snapped.

"Someone here's not a morning person-" Legolas taunted.

"Someone's here's a little-"

"No, Mommy," Jack groaned, "I don't want to go to school… I want to stay home and bake cookies… grrllmmmnnnnggffffndy…"

Legolas sighed. "Like I said, we need to get into better shelter. I bet there's a cave somewhere up on that mountain. We'll pack up the tent just in case, and search the forest. Wake him up," he ordered Violet, exiting the tent. Artemis followed, now clearly in a sour mood. Violet began to shake Jack gently, whispering, "Captain… Captain Sparrow… we've got to get moving before-"

Jack opened his eyes. He looked around, and sighed, once again realizing he was not on his ship. But when realizing he was alone in the tent with Violet, he grinned and curled the ends of his moustache. "'Ello, sweet'eart…" he said in a dastardly pirate-y tone, and sat up. His dastardly plans were intercepted by the tent. Artemis and Legolas had removed the picks holding the tent down, and the whole canvas went flying up into Jack's face. "Ow…"

Violet went to help tear down the base, while Jack struggled to get out of the canvas. The four gathered the tent pieces together, and started up the mountain.

Jack headed up the group, slashing the trees in front of them like he was some explorer in the jungle. Violet was behind him, carrying the canvas; and a cranky Artemis was behind her, listening to Legolas behind.

"Hurry up, mortal boy! We don't have all day! Move it!"

Finally, Artemis turned slowly around, with an evil look on his pale face. "May I remind you, sir," he said in a dark voice, "who you are talking to. If I had my body guard here, he would have you down on the ground in a split second with your upper neck and joints paralyzed. And I'm the one who knows where all the right places to fracture are. Am I making myself clear?"

Legolas gulped, and nodded. He didn't want to take the chance of guessing whether or not this kid was bluffing. They continued on, until they reached halfway up the mountain. It was starting to rain. Jack continued to slash on. The rain made the thin shirt he was wearing stick to his chest and reveal his surprising muscles. Most women would've thought this very sexy, but Violet was too consumed in thinking about the rain to notice a pirate captain's rippling pectorals. They came to a dead end. It was a 10-foot high cliff blocking their way to the peak. Jack sighed, and looked for a way around.

"We need to get out of the rain," said Legolas from behind.

Jack turned around and said flatly, "No kidding."

Violet looked around, and noticed a hole covered by some bushes. She cleared the bushes away to reveal a pit. The pit was joined with a tunnel leading into a sort of cave. "What luck!" she happily cried, and turned the group. "Look here! I've found some shelter!"

Jack ran up, and examined the hole. "HaHA! You've done it!" He picked her up, and swung her around, hugging her tight. Artemis rolled his eyes. He mused on the thought of whether Jack was just overjoyed, or was searching for a way to get closer to Violet. The spinning Violet turned from pale to deep red to green in a matter of seconds.

"Someone should explore the cave to see if it's safe." Legolas said. All heads turned toward him. He sighed. "It's always the elf that has to do all the work."

Legolas jumped down into the pit, and turned to the three humans. He saluted, and walked into the cave. Suddenly, there was a strangled yell. Violet gasped. Jack jumped down into the cave and peered in. "Lego-lass!" he called, "Are you alright, mate?"

He stepped in, when a skeleton's hand grabbed him. Jack yelped, and jumped back. "NO! Not again!" he searched for his knife.

Legolas came out of the shadows, holding a skeleton and laughing in a girly, evil way. Violet sighed in relief. Artemis rolled his eyes yet again. Jack punched Legolas. Legolas fell back, crying.

"Oh, you stupid mortal!" Legolas cried, sitting on the muddy ground. "It was just a joke!"

"One of the basic rules with pirates, mate," Jack said grimly, heading into the tunnel, "is never joke around about dead people."

Artemis jumped down, and stopped to help Violet. (You must remember, dear readers, that Artemis- however rude, selfish, cynical, scary, and smart that he is- was the one with the most class out of the three men. And classy men have classy manners.) Violet paused to help the muddy Legolas up from the pit.

The cave was cool, yet musty. Legolas tried to strike a spark with the piece of flint he found next to the skeleton. By the skeleton was a little box of matches. While Artemis and Violet tried to pin up the damp piece of canvas to keep out the pouring rain, Jack and Legolas explored the cave.

"So… how did a cave get down here?" Legolas asked.

"This place was used for a rum storage. When I was in charge of the treacherous-blasted-thieving crew of the Black Pearl way back when, we started to explore this island for shelter. One of the crewmates, we used to call him Rummy, said he'd found a cave leading to the inside of the mountain. Said he killed 'bout a dozen natives to get there- but inside they had some sort of shrine thing. Well, we always thought old Rummy was crazy, so we never bothered to go look up there. But when the day came that we had to pack up and leave, old Rummy didn't want to leave his precious cave behind."

"So what did you do?" Legolas asked, interested.

"What'd you think we did? We left him behind to go mad!" Jack said, grinning evilly. "Of course, it was shortly after that when that-" he uttered a few curse words "bloody Barbosa threw me off my bloody ship onto this bloody island."

"And you never took a moment to look up here?"

Jack grew embarrassed. "I was set on revenge! Can you blame me!" he stammered.

"Oh, you Muggles are always set on revenge, you is," a familiar voice said from above. It echoed throughout the cave.

Jack looked around. "Where is that little runty…" he growled off into various cuss words.

Violet looked up from the canvas. "Don't make him angry, Captain…" she whispered.

"Yes, you wouldn't want to make Dobby angry, otherwise Dobby won't be able to give you the nice surprise the wizards made for making it up the mountain."

"What surprise?" Artemis asked, turning around. He could hear the echoes bounce around from one distinct place. He crept up to a little figure in the shadows.

"Dobby's not supposed to tell you, but since you haven't insulted Dobby yet, Dobby will make an exception. It is-"

Artemis pointed to where Dobby was standing, and Jack lunged at him. Dobby gave a horrified yelp, and they both rolled into the light. Dobby was clutching a brown bag. He kicked and struggled, but Jack had him in a headlock.

"You little maggot!" Jack roared. Dobby sneered, and bit his arm. Jack yelled, and released him.

"Dobby is very upset!" the evil shorty screeched. "You will pay, you Muggles!" he waved his hand, and the canvas flew open, flinging Violet back. A wave of water surged in, flooding the cave and hurling the four back. The wave lingered, then subsided, recoiling back to the ocean. Dobby was left unharmed. "That was for jumping on Dobby like that!" he sneered, and stomped out, leaving his bag.

Violet lay gasping at the back of the cave. She sat up. "Captain Jack? Artemis? Legolas?" she faintly said.

Jack rolled over. He looked extremely evil now that the dark eyeliner he had under his eyes was beginning to run. "THAT BLOODY MONGREL! HE ESCAPED ME AGAIN!" he hunched over, and said in a dark voice, "I'll hang his pelt on the foot of my bed in true pirate fashion once this is all over…"

Artemis spat out sea water. "What on earth was that?"

"You stupid mortals," Legolas sniffled, wringing his damp hair out to dry. "Haven't you figured out that you can't beat up that house elf?"

Violet sighed, and tied up her hair in a ribbon. Jack reached for the bag. Artemis managed to scamper over and snatch it away from him.

"Wait," he snapped, "think of what's inside here. That thing is obviously some sort of phsycomaniac. There could be weapons of mass destruction in there. _Think _about it."

Jack shuddered at the thought of what could be in there. He remembered the time his crew had pillaged a cargo ship, and taken boxes of merchandise they had no clue of what was inside, so they just called it a "surprise". Later they found out the ship had been carrying SPAM. Jack could never really look at a can of SPAM after that without getting queasy.

"But it _could_ be something that we need to survive," Legolas pleaded. "Trust me, I know these people. When you get them angry, they explode. But when you do something they like, they reward you." He said in a quiet voice, "It's like they love to play God, or something."

Artemis had a slow werewolf grin spreading across his face. "Very well, Greenleaf. You can open the bag and see what's inside."

Legolas turned pale. "Me?" he gulped, then stuck out his chest, and said, "Very well, I'll do my best."

He walked over to the other side of the cave with the bag, and took a deep breath, before slowly opening the bag. He gasped.

"What is it?" Jack said, seeing if the elf wasn't deformed or sprouting another head.

"Presents!" Legolas gleefully said, holding up the bag. Inside were brightly decorated boxes. "There are a whole lot for Violet, and here are a lot of little ones for me, and here's one for Jack, and another for Violet, and another for Jack…"

Artemis leaned forward. "Are there any for me?" he said quietly. Violet looked at him. He looked like a little child standing outside of a candy store, watching his other friends eat lots of chocolate.

Legolas looked through them. "Jack, Legolas, Violet, Violet, Violet… there's probably one for you."

Artemis sat back. "Well, it's not like I need them anyway. I can probably buy all of that stuff for only a fraction of what it cost for the givers."

Violet looked down, reading the tags of her present. "From: Harry Potter. From: Harry Potter. From: Harry Potter." She looked up. "Who on Earth is Harry Potter?"

Legolas looked at the other sides of the tags. "This presents says, "Violet, this is for that annoying little habit of yours that makes you look so sexy,"

Violet opened up the box. Inside were about thirty hair ribbons. "How nice," Violet said, picking one up. She hadn't gotten a lot of present s in the last few years, so she supposed she would just have to be grateful.

Jack picked one of his up. "This one says, 'To Jack, You're so sexy. I wish I could comfort you on that big lonely island. Love, M. McGonagall. (P.S.: I am NOT a desperate 75-year-old witch who hates her tiny job of teaching miserable brats at a wizard's school.)' Okayyyyy," he opened the present up, and laughed joyously. "YES! Thank you, not-desperate-75-year-old!" he revealed two pistols, and a big blade. All of them had a tiny little cat wearing a witch hat on the handles.

Legolas read his card. "To Legolas, Even though you're just a stupid non-magic Muggle, I am impressed with you. So, here you go. Professor Dumbledore." He opened up the box. "Oh! Yay!" he pulled out a little makeup kit. "Complete with black mascara and eyeliner, three shades of blush and eye shadow, and four kinds of lip gloss!" he held the kit to him tight. "And it's Wizard-made, so it has a guarantee of longer-last!"

Artemis gave Legolas another disgusted look. Violet pulled another one of her boxes over. "To Violet," she read, "I hope you'll wear this on cold stormy nights and think of me. Harry." She opened up the box, and immediately closed it. "Ugh." She said, crinkling up her nose. Jack and Legolas dived for it.

"Let me see!" Jack growled, and yanked it away. He pulled out some very risqué scarlet lingerie, with black lace lining and a matching garter. Artemis' eyes grew very wide. Jack had an enormous grin on his face. "Ooh, scanky!"

Legolas crawled over to Violet. "Do you want that?" he asked. Violet looked as if she were going to be sick.

"I think that's enough presents for now," said Artemis quickly, standing up. "We should try to see if we can hunt something. I bet that Dobby thing has left some sort of clue. Sparrow, Greenleaf, you come with me. Violet, you stay here and see if anything comes up to the cave."

"But I want to-"

Jack approached Violet with a sense of manliness. "Violet," he said in a deep voice, "you could get hurt out there. Some things in life were meant to be handled by men."

"But-"

"Yes, yes, I know," Jack continued in the Cary Grant-like voice, "Arty-miss and Lego-lass really don't count as men, but we're just going to have to make due, aren't we?" he put his hands on her shoulders, and said, "I'm sure you'll be all right, lass. You're a good girl. You don't need to be afraid for us." He turned, grabbed his new weapons, and went out of the cave, the other two following him. Violet looked after them, and sighed. She knew this was a very good occasion to just say, "Men." And be done with it, but she felt that there were probably many more moments to come when she could say this


	3. Chapter 2, Part Two

Author's Note: Well, here's part two of day two. I still don't own anything- no wait! Yes I do! I own the ghost named Rummy that will appear in this chapter. HA! Beat that! (does a victory dance) Alright, I'll stop. Thank you for your reviews!

Artemis trudged through the jungle. His feet were aching from all the walking they had done that day. He wanted to be at home in the Fowl Manor, sitting in his private library reading up on the lifestyle of wildebeests in their habitats by a cozy fire. But instead, he found himself searching for any sort of living meat they could find.

"Well, if don't find any meat, we can always just drown our spirits in rum," Jack said happily.

Artemis sighed, and to jump over a large pile of mud before him. He jumped in vain, landing in the middle of it on his face. Legolas took the time to step on him over the mud, so as not to get himself muddy. (This was, of course, very stupid, because they were in the middle of a downpour in the jungle, and there was mud all over the place; but conclusions can be drawn that Legolas was just looking for a reason to make the sour adolescent's life more miserable.) Jack stopped to nag at Artemis. "Come on, Arty-miss! We don't have time to play in the mud!"

Artemis looked up from the mud. His eyes were burning and dark, and if he hadn't been covered in mud one would've thought it necessary to call an exorcist immediately because of the pure evil look he had on his face.

"You…you…you…" Artemis stood up, and advanced toward Jack and Legolas. Jack stepped back. He had started a fight with an Irishman before, and learned a valuable lesson from it. Readers, it is never nice to judge people by a stereotype. There are millions of blondes who are very smart, millions of Americans who are not obese and loud, and millions of Irish who do not have short tempers.

Artemis Fowl was not one of them.

You can imagine Artemis' temper like one of those games you try to beat at the carnival in slow-motion. When you pick up the giant hammer and force it down on the button, the little ringer shoots up to the bell. Only the strongest can really push the button hard enough to make the ringer go all the way up to the top and ring the bell, but if you push it just hard enough, the bell rings and you get a stuffed teddy bear as a prize, or in this case, Artemis explodes.

Artemis, who was normally one of the most composed Irish boys in all of the United Kingdom, had now reached his boiling point. He was stuck in the middle of a storm with two lunatics on a good-for-nothing island, and now he was covered in mud. He gave an angry roar, and lunged at the nearest idiot, which happened to be Legolas. Legolas shrieked, and fell over. Artemis forced Legolas' face in the mud, over and over.

"No-blub-not-blub-my-blub-hair-blub!" Legolas gasped. Artemis had another scary wolf-like grin on his face. Jack stood back and laughed heartily, but after a while, Legolas' writhing body slowed and the bubbles of air coming up from the mud stopped. Artemis continued to shove Legolas' pretty face in the mud.

"Uhh, mate?" Jack said, looking over Artemis' shoulder, "I think he gets the point now."

Artemis snapped back to attention. "Hmm? Oh, yes." He got off of Legolas' body, and stood up, proceeding to wipe the mud off his face. Jack picked the gasping Legolas up, and slumped him over his shoulder, continuing on. Artemis, now fully composed, followed him. He felt a lot better now that he had vented his anger, plus he got to half-strangle the elf. Life was good.

Violet sat in the cave, rubbing the pieces of flint together over some dry wood she had found. A spark caught, and a little fire started to grow. Violet looked around for more firewood, and her eyes fell upon the skeleton Legolas had used to prank Jack with. She thought, and shrugged. What harm could it do? No one would care, even though it was terribly morbid. She walked over to the bunch of bones, picked it up, and carried it over at arm's length to the little fire.

"Requiescat in pace," Violet said, dumping the skeleton on the fire.

_Requiescat in pace_ is a phrase which here means, "Rest in peace," in Latin. Violet remembered a very long time ago one of her relatives died, and her parents had received the news by mail. Upon reading the letter, her mother sighed sadly, and said to herself, "requiescat in pace," and she wondered if their mother was going mad. Klaus, her younger brother, later told her that _requiescat in pace _meant, of course, rest in peace. The next time Klaus used that phrase was when discovering their parents had died in a terrible fire, and was walking through the charred remains of their house. Violet sadly remembered that had her parents not perished in a terrible fire forcing their children to use that gloomy phrase, she would not be trying to survive on an island with dubious characters.

Suddenly, an exploding sound was heard from the fire, and a large billow of smoke rose up. Violet jumped back in alarm. A figure rose out of the smoke, coughing and hacking.

"Cough…cough… what the bloody heck happened?! Where's that thieving captain! There's a shrine down here, dang it! I know there is! I seen it meself! Eh? What?"

The figure looked down at the cowering Violet. "Woo-hoo! Hey there, honey! How YOU doin?" he grinned. Violet was too scared to be insulted.

"Where am I?" He looked around, and then down at the cluster of burning bones. "Oh! I'm dead! I knew all those leftover beans would kill me. Well, it had to happen sometime…" He turned his attention back to Violet. "But I'm sorry YOU weren't there to ease my dying soul! What's yer name, luv?"

"V-V-V—" Violet stammered.

"V-V-V?" The smoky figure asked. "What, were your parents on something when they named you? Well, at least you've got looks…"

"Violet Baudelaire." Violet managed. "I'm Violet Baudelaire."

"Violet…" the figure, obviously a ghost, repeated. "Pretty name. Well, I'm Rummy. Well, at least I was Rummy. I am now pretty much a ghost. Ooooo…" he tried it out. "You know, I think people overestimate this whole haunting thing. I don't seem very scary. I seem drunk. And I probably am! Yes! You can get drunk after you're dead!" Rummy looked happy. "So, how'd a fine lass like you get in a wreck like this?"

"I… I don't know, exactly. I just woke up to find myself here, along with three other people…"

"Oh?" said Rummy, growing interested. "One of those people wouldn't happen to be the famed Captain Jack Sparrow, ruler of the high seas and lover of 500 women… or was it five… probably about ten, the lad was way too into himself to ever make a commitment… poor scoundrel…" He turned to Violet. "Well, would he?"

"Why, yes. He is."

"Well," growled Rummy in a menacing tone, "Maybe I'll stick around to haunt that little…" he went off into various curses, "captain just to get revenge for puttin' me on this blasted island…"

"I wouldn't," Violet said quickly. The last thing she needed was for a ghost to be scaring the living daylights out of her every five seconds, "I-I mean, you've been on this island long enough, haven't you? If you really want to get revenge on him, you'll leave him here on this island while you go off and enjoy the…uh… afterlife with a never-ending supply of….rum?" She did her best to make it sound appealing. Luckily, Rummy was the dumbest of all Jack's crew, and was also very gullible.

"Really? That sounds like a good idea! Yeah! Good thinking, Violet. I'll just leave. Although I wish I could get you off as well. There ain't no boats nor anything."

"I'll manage," Violet smiled.

"Yeah, I guess so. It's hard to have beauty and brains at the same time, I should know, and still be stuck on this island with that villain of a captain. Wouldn't want ye to get hurt." Rummy thought. "I know! There's a pond over on the other side of the mountain. It links directly to the ocean, and has a bunch of little fish and crabs and junk. There's a few fruit trees around there too, I imagine. You just go down there and you'll be fine. Beware of that Sparrow, though." He looked around. "Well, I better be a-goin'. You take care of yerself, Violet. You'll get off this place somehow."

"I appreciate your… concern." Violet said, smiling.

"Thanks for cremating me an' all so I could get off this island. Which way is out?"

"I think up."

"Oh, alright. See you, lass." He floated up into the roof, stopped, turned, and said, "Oh yeah. Tell Jack that it's under the big rock outside this cave." Then he disappeared out of sight. Violet stared after the ghostly creature, and shook her head. She drew two things from that encounter: one, that sometimes even the harshest of pirates can turn out to be the kindest and most helpful of people; and two, that one shouldn't burn a rotting corpse drenched in alcohol, for the effects might mess with one's head.

The three males soldiered on. Legolas, who was caked in mud and now in a grumpy mood. "Face it, Sparrow," Legolas called. "No living animal is out here in this weather. The rain hasn't stopped, and I think there's going to be lightning. My ears are pricking up."

Jack really didn't give a flying cow in space what Legolas' ears were doing. He stopped, and looked around.

"Dobby thinks you Muggles are lost," called that high evil voice from below. Jack's temples tensed. He looked down. Dobby had appeared out of nowhere, holding an umbrella.

"What…do…you…want…" Jack said tiredly. He wasn't in the mood to try to strangle the little demon.

"Dobby has decided to be patient with you Muggles. Dobby knows that you are very brute-like, and that you fail to understand things like we wizards do."

"Don't you have any hobbies?" Artemis said from behind.

"Dobby likes making you Muggles miserable," Dobby said. "But because you haven't tied to strangle Dobby, Dobby will give you a present that Dobby left behind."

Artemis sighed. He was getting tired of constantly hearing Dobby referring to himself in the third person.

Dobby snapped his fingers, and a pig wearing a bow appeared. "It's from Draco Malfoy. Draco attached this note to the pig." He handed Jack a parcel, and said, "It is for the she-Muggle. See that it gets to her." And with that, he disappeared.

Legolas picked up a stick. "Ooh, I've always wanted to do this," and approached the pig. "Suey!" he cried, and hit the pig on its butt. The pig squealed in outrage, and trampled him. "Why…" Legolas sighed, playing with the mud he had fallen in.

Jack untied the bow and used it as a leash to guide the pig up the mountain. The pig, however, proved to be willful, and dragged Jack up ahead. Artemis and Legolas walked alongside each other, silent.

"Why on earth would you want to hit a pig?" Artemis asked finally.

Artemis and Legolas arrived in the cave half an hour later. Violet was poking at the fire, using the wrapping paper from some of the presents to keep the fire going. She looked up, and had to laugh at the two mud-caked guys standing before her.

"It's not funny." Legolas said, turning to get some of the rain from outside to try to scrub the mud off his face.

Artemis looked around. "Where's the captain?"

"Wasn't he with you?" Violet asked.

"He was, but—"

Suddenly, a squeal was heard, and a familiar roar. "YOU LITTLE *insert word of choice here*! NO ONE EVER RAMS ME THERE!"

A gunshot was heard, and all fell silent. Jack entered the room with a limp pig. "This," he said to Violet, dropping the note Dobby gave him, "is for you."

Violet opened it, and skimmed through the letter. Her eyebrow raised, and she emitted a sardonic "feh."

"Ooh!" Legolas said, grabbing the letter. "More love letters!

'Dear Violet,

Even though you are a filthy mud-blood, I find you quite attractive. I have been informed that the no-good Muggle-loving-stupid-attention-craving-goody-two-shoes Harry Potter has tried to attain your attention as well. I scoff and chortle. Let me inform you that I am much higher in class, looks, and intelligence than he. He tries to impress you with cheap lingerie, but I know your real weakness. Look inside the bag of presents and you will see a bright green one. I know you will like it. Attached to the present is my photo. Try not to faint from excitement or anything; I know I'm dangerously handsome. Fear not, my love, once I find that stupid island out on the sea, I WILL rescue you.

Yours always,

Draco Malfoy.

(P.S. - Go Slitherin! We're gonna kick Griffindor's noble butts this year! W00t!)"

Legolas plucked out the picture of Draco attached to the back of the note. He tried not to laugh. "Hey look, he's almost as scary and pale as Art—"

"Who?" Artemis came up from behind him. The fire light created shadows across his face, and his eyes looked sunken in, making him look more like Count Dracula than ever. Legolas shrieked, scampering behind Violet. Artemis stared after him, picking up the letter. He grinned wolfishly. "My, Violet, you seem to be a magnet for moronic snobs."

Violet sighed. She really wished she were anywhere but here.

Legolas' eyes darted from Artemis to Violet. A thin smile crept across his pretty lips. He chuckled to himself, and shook his head.

Violet was trying to decide whether or not she wanted to open the bright green package she had found. It was large, and square. Violet imagined what it could be. With a hurried look to see if any of the obnoxious males were there, she quickly tore the wrapping apart, and peeked inside. Her eyes grew wide. "Oh," she said, a wide smile creeping across her face. She pulled out a large atlas, spanking new.

For those of you who don't know very much about Violet, she is not like most teenage girls. Other teenage girls enjoy slathering their faces with makeup, making themselves look pretty, and flirting with boys. I know I do; represent. Violet liked to spend her time either inventing or reading about inventing. Other than books about mechanics, Violet also had a weakness for atlases. Before her parents died in a tragic arsonist accident and her large well-kept house burned to the ground, Violet and her siblings used to love to look at their old atlas. She hadn't really taken time to appreciate atlases ever since.

Violet quickly put the book back in its box, and hid it in a corner. It was then Violet remembered about her strange encounter with the ghostly pirate, and his strange message to Jack. She looked over at the eccentric captain, who seemed to be recovering from the attack of the pig. Violet decided it probably wouldn't make any difference if she told him about it.

Jack looked up when he saw Violet walking over. "'Ello," he said in a high voice, then paused to clear his throat. Violet sat down next to him as he regained he robustly composure. "What can I do for ye, luv?"

"Captain," Violet started, unsure of how to say this, "while you were out, I found that old carcass Legolas had earlier, and burnt it. I probably was imagining it, but a ghost came up from the flames claiming to be one of your old crew mates—"

"Rummy," Jack said, almost to himself, "always wanted to be cremated."

"Uh… right," Violet continued, "and he told me that there was a safe place where we can get meat and probably some fruit. It's on the other side of the mountain, and he told me to tell you that… um, 'it's under the big rock outside this cave.'"

Jack's eyes widened. He jumped up, and ran outside. Violet sat in silence for a few seconds, before hearing a joyous yell.

"YYYYYEEEEEEEESSSSS!" Jack came in with an armful of bottles. "I knew that old boy would crack some day! Ha ha!"

Legolas looked up from trying to dry his hair. He rolled his eyes. "Oh, you mortals and your alcohol."

Jack was too happy to mention the night before when Legolas and he had gotten terribly drunk and had pranced around a roaring bonfire singing songs from popular rides in Disneyland.

Violet sat down at the other end of the cave. She leaned against the cave wall, thinking about that place on the other side of the mountain. What if it really was there? She supposed that it wasn't too far of a walk, considering that this cave was nearly at the top of the mountain. But she'd have to do it by herself. She wanted to prove that just because she was a girl she didn't have to sit around and poke at a fire all day. If there was anything down there, she wanted to find it first.

It wasn't too long before Violet could put her plan into action. The pork marinated in rum made everyone very sleepy. Violet had to slap herself a few times to keep awake. Artemis sat at the front of the cave with his arms crossed, watching the group. Legolas was telling a very loud, slurred rendition of the War of the Ring, and Jack was starting to yawn. Finally, he just lay down and started snoring. Legolas continued on for a few more seconds, before stopping and dropping to the ground. Violet watched Artemis. He continued to stare at Legolas and Jack, but slowly his eyelids drooped, and he rolled over. Violet smiled to herself. She stood up to leave, but stumbled over something. It was the atlas. Violet looked at the atlas, then at Artemis. She remembered his face earlier when he saw the presents.

Before walking out of the cave, Violet slid a big square box by Artemis' sleeping figure. She didn't see his right eye open and follow her out.

It was a harder walk up the mountain than Violet had expected. There were bluffs all over the place, and the frequent bushes tore Violet's clothes and scratched her skin. But she went on with grim determination. Finally, she reached the top, and looked out over the island. The moon was shining bright, and the dark ocean was sparkling. She could faintly hear the soft clap of the waves amongst the shore. Violet looked to the other side of the mountain for any sign of a pond leading to the ocean. There! It wasn't too far, and it looked safe. Violet climbed down the peak, and started down.

The rain from the afternoon's weather had made everything muddy. Violet stepped on a place where she thought the ground might be dry, but alas, it was not so. The mud was very slippery, so she slipped and slid all the way down.

There is a natural spring in Turkey where tired people go to sit in natural springs and cover themselves with mud. It is a very relaxing experience, and most people walk out refreshed. However, in Violet's case, going down a mudslide was very nerve-racking, and she tumbled out bruised and exhausted. Fortunately for her, she happened to tumble out near where the pond was located. Violet weakly stood up, and trudged towards the pond. She sat down by its edge, and looked around. The water was cool, but salty. She could make out some trees with what looked like fruit. Violet was too tired to try to explore the area. She decided she would stay here for the night and then in the morning take a look around.

"I wonder if everyone else will be worried that I'm gone," she said to herself.

"I'm sure they'll be so hung-over in the morning they won't notice," said a voice from behind. Violet jumped up. Standing with what looked like a casual smirk was Artemis. Violet sighed, and plopped back down to the ground. Artemis sat beside her.

"You know you really should've tried to avoid that mudslide. There were some rocks that lead down here right by it. A lot quicker and—" he looked her up and down, "—cleaner."

Violet ignored him. She picked up a handful of sand and let it sift through her fingers. "I thought you were asleep," she said quietly.

"When your family has a history of crime and money and many people are out to kill you, you sort of adopt the habit of sleeping with one eye open." Artemis said, fondly remembering his adventures with the Fairy People. "Besides, I felt like foiling your plans of sneaking out of shelter without your comrades."

"I was just going to—"

"I don't blame you. Having to share the same cave with those two is enough to send even the most genius of people to the asylum."

Violet smiled. "They are rather eccentric characters,"

"More like deranged," Artemis said, turning his head to look at her.

Violet laughed. It was a nice laugh, Artemis thought. Violet was fairly good company. In his teenage years, Artemis had met many characters that either were unstable and crime-related, and/or wanted to kill him. There very few people that were actually on the "good" side had he met that weren't entirely brainless. And if they were, they weren't as attractive as Violet Baudelaire. Artemis shifted uncomfortably where he was sitting. All was silent for a while. Violet looked around. "I'm going to stay here for the night. You can go up again if you want—"

"All the way up and down the mountain?" Artemis asked incredulously. "I haven't had to do that much work in years!" He settled into a comfortable position. "No, I think it's best if we stay down here. We can go back up there in the afternoon." Violet looked at him. "Besides, I really don't want to experience another one of Sparrow vs. Greenleaf's hangover episodes again."

Violet rolled over on her stomach and continued to watch Artemis. He sort of reminded her of her old friend, Quigley Quagmire. Four years ago, she had met him while searching for her parents. They had an exciting adventure together involving dastardly villains, a secret organization, and various romantic moments between Quigley and her. But then they were separated, and Violet never heard from him again. Violet and Quigley only hoped to defeat the villains so they could all just retire with their enormous fortunes and live happily. Violet sighed. It had been a long time since she had lived happily. Once she got off this island, she would try to live in peace with her siblings once more.

Another depressing fact unveiled itself as Violet remembered that she might not even get off this island, with the lunatic wizards controlling it and all. She turned over, to look up at the starry sky. She supposed she would have to make the best of this situation. After all, she was on an island in the tropics; why not treat it like a vacation? Then again, with Captain Sparrow near, one could only treat it like a nightmare. The somewhat depressing Baudelaire curled up next to the now fully sleeping Artemis, and drifted off into peaceful slumber; and 'twas there that she could only seek true peace of mind, untouched by the worries of tomorrow's adventures.


	4. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: **Thank you for reviewing, my wonderful audience! I'm glad you think my story is so funny. Truly, it's even more fun to write than to read it because you get to twist and torture the characters anyway you like. I especially like to write about my favorite elfin fop and the adorable captain getting drunk. Bwahaha… that's why they wake up today with a hangover. Note to children- never drink with an elf. Well anyway, today I introduce a new character to the story- Van Helsing the infamous vampire slayer. To the disclaimers: no. I don't own him either.

* * *

Legolas Greenleaf and Captain Jack Sparrow weren't having a very fun time. Jack stumbled into the cave tiredly, swearing something. He looked around. "Where're the youngsters?" he said.

Legolas sat up. "Who knows…hic…who cares…"

Jack rolled his eyes, and turned away. "Maybe they got up to look for breakfast."

Legolas stood up, swerved, and then feel back down again, shouting, "cookie!"

Jack shook his head. "You know, mate, you shouldn't take in that much alcohol. We scalawags are used to it, but you…" he picked up the weapons he had received with the cats on them. "You're like some horrible rendition of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde starring Elton John and Michael Jackson." He strode toward the exit.

"Where're you going?" Legolas slurred.

"To look for sober company. Getting drunk isn't any fun with you."

* * *

Violet and Artemis sat under a palm tree, devouring their breakfast. It was a bright and sunny morning, and now that there was light Artemis could clearly see his surroundings. The pond was surrounded by various trees with juicy fruit hanging just above arm's reach. There were mangos, bananas, papayas, oranges, passion fruit, and coconuts. Artemis suspected the wizards put some of the trees here, because it was highly coincidental that there would be one of each tree standing neatly by each other, or at least out of their biome.

Violet swallowed a mouthful of mango thoughtfully. "Do you suppose we should go up and look for the others? They're probably better by now."

"I doubt it. The amount of alcohol Greenleaf drank last night was unbelievable." He shrugged his shoulders, tossed the peel of the banana he was eating casually on the ground, and started for the other side. Suddenly, the bush rustled. Artemis' head snapped sideways. He leaned in. No, it wasn't the tropic breeze. He knew something was in there- he could just make out the shape of a cross bow…

ZING! An arrow whizzed right by Artemis' missing his ear. Artemis yelped, and jumped back, Violet at his side. A tall, dark, and incredibly handsome man stepped out of the bush, bearing a strange resemblance to Hugh Jackman. "Avast, vampire prince! I've come to finish you and your relatives!"

Artemis stood in confused surprise, before ducking another arrow. Violet screamed like a lady perched on top of a large New York building with a giant ape swatting at planes. In the blink of an eye, the handsome executioner grabbed Violet, and swung off on a vine. Artemis, now pulled together, was quick to follow. Violet continued to scream.

"It's alright," the stranger said, "That vampire prince is far away now. I should've known at least one of Dracula's spawn would've survived. You don't need to be afraid when you're with me."

Violet looked at him with confusion. "Who _are_ you?"

"The name's Van Helsing, Monster Hunter." The man stated his name proudly like it was the title of a movie or something. He let go of the vine, and landed promptly on his feet. He let Violet down with the gentlest of care, yet she still looked terribly frazzled. Violet turned to get a good look at him. He had a strong, tall body, shrouded in a black trench coat. His long hair fell across his shoulders. Violet could see dark gleaming eyes under a floppy yet manly hat. Beneath his coat were various gruesome weapons strapped safely around his waist. He smiled a dashing smile. Violet blushed, and smiled back.

"I say," heaved Artemis, who had now caught up with the two, "there was really no need for that crass behavior back there. If you're one of my father's enemies, you really shouldn't have picked this place to come and hold me for ransom-"

Van Helsing casually pulled out two spinney-circular-knife things, and aimed. Artemis ran behind a tree just as the blades were about to hit. "Stop trying to hit me!" he cried, as Van Helsing reloaded.

"I know your tricks, Prince Dracula. You try to deceive me into thinking that you're an incredibly pale teenage boy who was but sitting with this innocent-" he smiled at Violet, "-and may I say impeccably beautiful young lady; but really your intentions are to suck the blood out of her neck, or worse, make her into one of your pale, melodramatic brides!"

"Stop!" Violet cried, stepping between them. "Both of you are acting like children! Sir, this young man happens to be my friend, and is in fact incredibly pale, and there is no _way_ I would let him near my neck be him vampire or not!"

One could detect a hint of disappointment on Artemis' usually unemotional face. Wow, he thought, that was a fast write-off,

"Now Artemis," Violet continued, "This man may be able to help us get off this island. So _please_ treat him with at least a bit of respect." Violet smiled. "Now, that wasn't too hard."

Suddenly, the three heard a joyous whoop from around the top of the mountain.

* * *

Jack rubbed his eyes. Was he seeing straight? Standing before him were three bombshell ladies dressed in thin, wispy clothing with long billowing hair and sumptuous smiles. Jack stepped forward. "Why, hello ladies…"

"Hey, handsome," the brunette stepped forward. "My name is Morguiana. This here," the red-head stepped forward, "is Elizibat, and this," a perky, pale blonde skipped forward, "is Merideath." She paused. "But you can call us Morgue, Batty, and Death."

The blonde giggled. "Usually a comedy drum roll comes after that."

"Mmmm," Batty licked her lips, "He looks so good. Lots of alcohol runs through his veins. I _love_ a man who drinks."

"He's so cute I could just suck on his neck!" Death squealed. Morgue pushed her out of the way.

"I want some!"

Jack looked joyous. "Now ladies, let's not get greedy,"

The girls all stopped. They were staring wide-eyed at a boy behind Jack.

Artemis stood uncomfortably, with his arms crossed. "Jack, come on. Let's leave these nice ladies alone. We found a new place to make camp, and-"

"Hail Prince Dracula, Heir to the Throne of the Dead!" Morgue cried, and fell to her knees. The others did as well. They crawled up to Artemis and began worshipping him, clinging to his legs. Jack turned around.

"Hey! What about me?" he cried.

"Quiet, mortal," Morgue hissed. She turned her pale face up to the rigid Artemis. He wasn't used to having women fawn over him like this. "Master," she cooed, "I heard there was a female around here somewhere. If you want we can go make a quickie sacrifice to you. It won't take any time at all, we practiced once in McDonalds on the manager; it'll only take 5 minutes to suck the blood out."

Artemis looked sick. "That won't be necessary, uh… ladies. I'm sure-" He paused, and grinned evilly at Jack. "-I'm sure that human over there will be just fine."

Jack looked terrified. His eye liner made his eyes look like they were bulging out of their sockets and his normally sexy moustache curved around his mouth in a sad, open frown. The vampiresses circled in on him, growing giant fangs.

"Not fair," Jack whimpered, and braced himself.

Luckily, Van Helsing and Violet emerged just in time to distract them. "Play time's over, girls. It's time to die!" Van Helsing added, "Again."

The vampiresses shrieked, and turned into horrible vampire-demons. (Yes, everyone, if you've seen Shallow Hal, you will now realize it works on vampires too.) They swooped in on him, but Van Helsing ducked just in time to throw a cross at her. Morgue screeched, and crumpled to the floor. Jack crawled beside her, muttering, "Alas, Morguiana, I never knew her,"

Death turned on Violet, and opened her mouth to bite, but Violet was quicker. She shoved a clove of garlic into her mouth. Death clawed at her face, and spat it out. "Eeeew! Bad breath!" She disappeared into a pile of dust. Batty squealed, and flew swiftly off the island over the ocean. Van Helsing took aim, and fired a silver stake. There was a brief silence as everyone watched Batty's body fly, get hit, linger for a moment, and then drop in to the ocean with a satisfying _plunk._

There was a joyous cheer among the four. Van Helsing grabbed Violet, dipped her back, and gave her a big long smooch. Violet's eyes widened in surprise. When he was finished, he said, "Oh, I'm terribly sorry. It's just I have this compelled feeling to kiss a beautiful woman whenever I have a victory."

Violet was red. Artemis had a hideous snarl on his face that was in truth worse than the vampiress' demon form. "You just made an excuse for kissing her because you think you're all manly and Hugh-Jackman-like!" He pulled Violet away from Van Helsing with strange force.

"Yeah! What he said!" agreed Jack. "And keep your hands off my woman!" He pulled Violet toward him.

The three men began to argue, pushing and pulling Violet. Violet sighed wearily. Although she did admit she sort of liked the attention.

Jack, Violet, Artemis, and now Van Helsing were making it back to the cave. Jack slashed at branches, with Van Helsing armed and ready at the back. Artemis kept a close eye on both of the as he walked beside Violet. There had been some argument over who should protect Violet from danger. Van Helsing insisted on doing it in case there where any other vampires around, and Jack said he should do it because he's more familiar with the island. Artemis argued that Violet was a perfectly smart girl and could take care of herself, and that the only thing she needed protecting from was the two men's giant ego.

"So… how did you crash here?" Artemis asked as the four walked on.

"I was looking for a scientist named Dr. Ophilius Gantus to help me destroy a monster I was hunting. He was sailing off to find some sort of antidote for a jungle fever, and never returned. Some say he was shipwrecked… right around this part of the world. I was sailing, and I remember seeing this… force field. And then I blacked out."

Artemis smirked. "Well, you should know this entire area is protected by freak wizards. They're watching us as we speak. They find our pain entertaining… kind of like reality television."

Van Helsing shuddered. "Wow. I didn't know you had it that bad. But I need to get off this island. There isn't much time before the monster I'm hunting destroys everyone."

"No, he won't. The force field you saw traps us from the outside world and time." Artemis said matter-of-factly.

Van Helsing stared at Artemis. "My, you certainly are a smart young man, aren't you?"

Artemis turned around. "Do you know who I am?" he turned to Violet. "Do you know who _she_ is?" he looked toward Jack, paused, and said, "Never mind him. _We_ are very well-read people. We've been trying to find a way off this island for three days, and nothing has come up. We need the work of a science miracle to get us out of here."

Van Helsing walked on. Artemis rolled his eyes, and followed. Violet stayed behind, and looked out to the sea. "A science miracle," she said softly, and walked on.

* * *

They found Legolas outside of the cave, screaming words in another language. He was running around, grabbing things out of his back and shooting trees with his imaginary bow.

"Elephants!" he cried. "Gimli, get down! We need back-up!"

"Greenleaf?" Artemis ventured forward. Legolas looked toward him with a wild look on his face, shot another bow at him, and ran away. "Ringraith, Pippin, get away!" he hopped on Jack's back, stabbing at him with imaginary bows, shouting, "take that, elephant!" until Jack threw him off.

Legolas rolled, and swiftly hopped to his feet. "I sure hope that whiny hobbit has destroyed that cheap ring by now," he said to himself, then tried to strangle a tree.

"He's gone mad-"Artemis paused, and added, "-der."

"What should we do?" Jack stared at Legolas, trying to strangle the tree.

"This," Violet took Jack's gun and hurled it at Legolas' head with force. Legolas stopped, giggled, and dropped to the ground.

"Nice shot." Artemis grinned wolfishly. Van Helsing and Jack proceeded to pick the unconscious elf up and carry him inside the cave. Violet followed, smiling to herself.

The five sat around a measly fire Jack had managed to make with the rest of the burnt wood/bones and the alcohol.

"For people surviving on an island, you sure have it easy. It looks like everything was prepared for you." Van Helsing observed the pile of presents lying in the corner.

"That's the thing," Artemis said, exasperated, "Everything _is_ prepared for us. The wizards want to make sure we don't die or anything, so they give us everything but a kitchen sink."

"How do you get water?"

Violet thought. "Come to think of it, we don't have any real water. We've been surviving on rainwater and rum."

"The rum will be gone in a few days," Jack said, looking over at the sleeping Legolas, "Sir Fancy Pants will make sure of that."

"And if it doesn't rain for another week," Violet drifted off, troubled.

"Then we'll be dead by Thursday." Artemis finished. The cave was silent for a while, with the exception of the soft snoring of Legolas.

Violet stood up. "Then we'll have to make our own water filter," she said, confident.

"How?" Jack asked with stupid intones.

"Please," Violet said, with a smile, "I'm an inventor."

She sauntered outside. Van Helsing stared after her. "One brave girl stuck on an island with three men," he said, "Even I'm afraid of that."

Artemis snapped to attention. "Hang on," he turned to Van Helsing, "You said the scientist you were looking for crashed around this part of the world." Van Helsing nodded. "Then you would know what part of the world this is, would you not?"

"Of course!" Van Helsing said, "we're somewhere in the South Atlantic, around Argentina."

"I could have told you that," Jack said smugly. "Back when I was captain of the Pearl before that thieving Barbosa took my ship, we used to sail all around the America's. We have a rum cash here and somewhere up around the Caribbean."

Artemis stared at Jack. "You could have told me that any time?"

"Yup."

Artemis' expression turned fierce. He said nothing, but looked like he wanted to strangle Jack. Jack backed away.

Violet suddenly dashed in with a large leaf, smiling wildly. "I did it!' she said.

"Did what?" Jack said, the intones of stupidity still in his voice. Violet took an empty rum bottle, and poured the leaf's contents in it. She gave it to Jack.

"I found some left on the tops of the trees. It's rain water left over from the other night's storm. The leaves filtered out everything. I think if we have enough of them, we might be able to filter out some sea water."

"Violet! You're a genius!" Jack exclaimed.

Artemis stared at him. "Wow. You really _are_ stupid if it took you that long to figure that out."

Violet grinned. Legolas rolled over. "Ohhhhh… I have a headache. Hey mortals, you wouldn't believe the unnatural dream I had. I was back in the war, trying to save the ring, only Fowl was a Ring Wraith, Sparrow was an elephant, and you-" he stared at Van Helsing. "Who are you?"

"I'm Gabriel Van Helsing, monster hunter." Van Helsing bowed. Legolas looked to Violet and smiled. "He's a gentleman, isn't he?"

Artemis rolled his eyes. "We know where we are now Violet." He stood up, and walked over to the new atlas Draco Malfoy had given to Violet who gave it to him, opened it, and pointed. "Somewhere around here."

"South American coast," Violet pondered, "That makes sense."

Artemis nodded. "Unfortunately, if my theory is correct, we're way out in the middle, so we won't be able to swim to another civilized island."

"And if we did, there's still that force field." Van Helsing put in.

"Right."

"Well then," Legolas cheerily said, "I guess we'll have to stay and sleep on it. And speaking of sleeping, I didn't see Violet and Artemis last night in the cave."

"You couldn't see anything," said Artemis, examining the bottle with water in it, "you and Jack were in rum up to your eyeballs."

Legolas sneered. "Well at least I can drink alcohol. What's the legal drinking age for you humans? 21? Are you still a minor at 19?"

Van Helsing looked shocked. "Is _Violet_ a minor?" he paused. "That's going to come up on my record."

Artemis looked up. "I am not a minor," he said with his usual unfeeling tone, "I have the intelligence of 10 college professors. I could rule minors if I wanted to."

"But you aren't allowed to drink until you're 21?" Jack stopped. "I started about 9 years early then. Oops."

Artemis raised his eyebrow. "You know, I could drink alcohol if I wanted to. It's not like I haven't broken 20 laws for each country already. I happen to be the smartest generation of a very long line of crime. I just choose not to drink it because I don't want to have a scary hangover episode like you or Mr. Abstemious over there."

Jack was cradling a bottle of rum. "No, I do not have a drinking problem!" he cried.

Artemis rolled his eyes. "And the answer to your other question is that Violet and I were exploring the other side of the mountain. There's a lagoon with food growing there."

"Mmmm," Legolas had a thin smile across his lips, "I bet it was absolutely yummy."

Artemis' eyes widened. The bridge of his nose and the tops of his cheeks grew very red, so he sort of resembled a candy cane.

Aware of the altogether frightening assumption Legolas made and looking a little red herself, Violet chose to change the subject. "It's almost sunset. Why don't we go back to the lagoon and try to eat something then camp there for the night? It's actually quite pleasant."

"Very pleasant indeed," Legolas shot back. "Wow! I'm on a roll!"

"Will you stop?"

The light was fading, but the five managed to make it down the mountain. This was the second time Violet had traveled down the mountain, so she was careful to step around the mud that lay drying innocently. When they reached the lagoon, it was dark, so they had a dinner of mixed fruit by a fire of sheathed coconut skins. Violet began to set up her filtering invention, while Jack tried to make what he called a "Temperate Pina Colada", or rum mixed with coconut. He had yet to find a way to make ice.

Artemis had chosen to watch Violet, so Legolas and Van Helsing were left alone to talk about their favorite creatures to defeat.

"My favorite monster to hunt was Big Foot. A bunch of villagers were complaining about seeing big foot prints all over the place, and seeing a hairy man walking around without any clothes on. I had yet to find out it was him, though. The villagers just wanted him arrested for being nude in public. They thought he was a local!"

Legolas burst into laughs. "Speaking of Big Foot, Hobbits are always confused with him. People see fat, unkempt little people with big hairy feet and all of a sudden think they're one of Big Foot's offspring!"

Van Helsing's laugh rang out through the lagoon. Artemis rolled his eyes.

"You know, for a couple of idiots, you two really aren't that funny. And would you mind keeping it down? Violet's trying to concentrate."

Van Helsing smiled. "I apologize. If it makes you feel better, Violet, you look angelic when you're inventing."

Artemis looked agitated. "You're not the _only_ one who's seen Violet invent. We're stuck on a monotonous island, for Pete's sake. I've seen her too, you know, but I don't go around dripping flattery…" he paused, and added uncertainly, "even though I think she's quite attractive when she's at work as well."

Violet looked up from her work, and smiled shyly at Artemis. Artemis flushed, and said, "Well, um, I should go… er, check that mudslide, to see, um, if it's dried… uh, yeah." He dashed off. Legolas bounced up and down gleefully.

"Oh, I could just write these things!"

Jack had given up on trying to make his beverage iced, and chugged the whole thing down. Van Helsing said the he was going to get some shut eye while keeping watch (no pun intended). Legolas sat by Violet.

"Van Helsing is very handsome, no?"

"Mmm," was all Violet's reply.

"He's a gentleman, too." Legolas continued, "and very dashing."

"You have only just met him," Violet observed.

"He seems to have taken a liking to you, then again, almost every man on this island has taken a liking to you. We should name them: Van Helsing, Sparrow, those two wizard kids," he paused, "Fowl?"

Violet pulled the last two leaves together. "Artemis is a very intelligent young man. He knows that just because the situation is complicated, doesn't mean you should take drastic measures like flirting with the first girl you see." She paused, "I admire his aptitude."

Now it was Legolas' turn to say, "Mmm," he made a pile of sand to sleep on, and rolled over.

Violet sighed, and did the same.

Jack woke up in the middle of the night suddenly. It was strange that he didn't have a headache or nausea like he usually did. He looked around at the sleeping figures, Violet resting against a tree, Legolas curled up softly talking in his sleep about Maybelline and roast pork. Van Helsing was posed by him with one eye open, snoring quietly. Jack got up, and went for a walk. It was a cool night, and the night breeze rustled his dirty dread locks. A sound was coming from the bushes near the rocks. He stopped. Was it another vampiress? He grinned. Would it really be necessary to wake the others? He made his way through the bushes, to find instead of another sexy monster, Artemis sitting with a troubled expression on a rock with a bottle of rum. Jack stared at him in confusion.

"What?" he cried exasperated, and stomped off, or rather, stumbled off. Jack watched with amusement. When he got off this island, he promised himself, he would try to write a psychology book on boy geniuses and the weird things they do. He shrugged, and walked back to the lagoon, softly humming the pirate song.

* * *

**Author's Note:** WOW! I actually wrote a whole day's worth in here without being too long! I guess I'll just skip on to the next day then. Next time I update, that is. 


	5. Chapter 4

**Author's Note:** Hey there, readers! Sorry for the kind of long wait… and thank you for your heartwarming reviews. Please keep them coming, they are my muse, if you will, other than chocolate. Here's part one of chapter four. I'm almost finished with part two, but I want to see how the reviews come out for this first. I love dangling you all on a string… mwahahahaha!

* * *

Part One of Chapter Four

Many of you, dear readers, have probably heard of the show "Gilligan's Island". It's a show where several different people with several different characters get marooned on an island. The main character, Gilligan, is a complete idiot, and serves as the plucky yet knuckle-brained comical guy. Ginger is a rich diva-actress-singer-whatever-she-is lady. Also stranded on the island are a rich couple, a professor, a skipper, and a perky farm girl named Maryanne. The seven are marooned on an island, and have nothing better to do than to make fun of poor Gilligan and his klutzy ways of screwing everything up.

Way out in the middle of the South-Atlantic Ocean, five other characters found themselves in the same situation. Captain Jack Sparrow was the captain of the Black Pearl, a famous pirating ship. And while he likes to think of himself like the skipper, he really acts more like a scandalous version of Gilligan. Legolas Greenleaf was a retired diva-warrior who had served in the War of the Ring in Middle-Earth and was very much like Ginger. Gabriel Van Helsing was a monster hunter who had only just recently crashed on the island, who was, when compared with everyone else, like the brave skipper. Violet Baudelaire, a somewhat depressed young lady whose parents died in a tragic arsonist accident, was a very well-read inventor who would have liked to meet the professor very much due to the circumstances. There was one more in the five, a pale young man about Violet's age named Artemis Fowl. Artemis was a genius and was involved in a long line of crime. If you had ever met Artemis, you would say that for what he lacked in social nicities he made up for in money, so we will put him under the "Rich Millionaire" title.

However, as Violet woke early in the morning, she could probably deny that assumption that we had just made, and say that he this morning was acting very much like perky Miss Maryanne.

"Good morning!" Artemis beamed, "It's a very lovely day. I hope I didn't wake you, I just wanted to tell you that I made breakfast."

Violet sat up sleepily. "Wha-", she looked around. Sizzling on a rock over a small fire were two dead crabs stabbed through with a stick. An assortment of diced fruits like papayas, bananas, and orange slices lay on a large leaf, kissed with the morning's dew.

"I used Jack's knife to cut up the fruit. I hope he won't mind. He's such a lovely character." Artemis smiled sweetly, gazing at the other sleeping figures. Violet noticed his smile wasn't the creepy vampire smile this morning.

"Uh, I should… wake the others." Violet said, getting up. Artemis didn't notice. A little bird had perched on his finger and he was singing to it in a sweet tenor voice that sounded strangely like… well, that doesn't matter.

"Mmmm," Legolas said, rolling over, "Ewan McGregor… wait." He sat up, and sighed. "Once again, I'm prone to disappointment." He looked at Artemis. "What's up with him?"

"I don't know," Violet said uncertainly, "I just woke up and he was… like this."

Legolas got up, and sauntered over to Artemis. Artemis turned, smiling. "Good morning Legolas. I made breakfast. I thought that since it's such a lovely day we should just sit back and enjoy what we have. After all, life is so short, we should enjoy its simple pleasures. And there are so many pleasures to be enjoyed! The birds, the flowers, eternal love and mindless emotions-" he went on, and started to sing again. The bird looked pleased. Legolas edged away.

"He's finally lost it." Legolas said, shaking his head.

Van Helsing walked in at that moment, looking like a million dollars. "We should pack up and leave this place," he said shiftily, "I sense a great deal of evil optimism near by." He looked over to the singing Artemis and bird. "Oh."

Jack walked out of the bushes (conveniently). "Morning, crew." No one answered, except for Artemis, who gave a cheerful "Good morning!" and went off into a good morning song with the bird from the popular Broadway show, "Singing in the Rain". Jack passed Artemis, murmuring "Easy on the rum, boy."

"What wrong with him?" Van Helsing inquired.

"He's having a bit of a hangover," Jack said matter-of-factly. "Saw him drinking last night. It's probably messed with his head."

"What should we do?"

"Best thing to do is just let it wear off. Soon he'll be back to his old, creepy, pale, genius self again." Everyone was silent, contemplating whether or not this was a good thing.

"We need to get off this island," Violet said, "We can't stay like this forever. Soon we'll be singing Broadway tunes with maniacal poultry."

"Good mornin', good mooornin'-"

"Cheepchirpcheepchirpcheepcheep-"

"Good mornin', good mornin', to you!"

Van Helsing, Violet, Jack, and Legolas all shuddered.

"Dobby likes the vampire Muggle this way. And so do the other wizards. They like his singing popular show tunes."

"GAH!" Jack started to twitch. "Not… the… Dobby…"

"What's a Dobby?" Van Helsing was confused. "Is it a monster?"

"A Dobby is up here!" Dobby waved his arms, and jumped down. He was wearing lots of beaded necklaces in green, gold, and purple. "Happy Mardi Gras, she-Muggle. It's from the boys at Hogwarts." He dumped the pile of necklaces on her. Jack stopped twitching to stare giddily at her for a moment.

"What?" she asked.

Jack opened his mouth to tell her what you were supposed to do when that happened, but decided that he didn't want to get a slap on the face. Especially for something that he knew he wouldn't deserve. "What do you want, Dobby?"

"Dobby has an announcement." He cleared his throat, and said in a very deep, TV-announcer voice, "Presenting: his noble Hotness, descended from a long line of pure-blood wizards, seeker on the Slytherin Quidditch team, and who also has really nice hair… Draco Malfoy!"

"Shut it, Dobby. I can introduce myself." Said a cold voice from above. Violet looked up. Sitting on a broomstick above her was a teenage boy. He had a black cape on and a jumper that had little green snakes all over it. As he jumped off his broomstick, Violet got a good look at him. He looked just like Artemis, only with bleached blonde hair. It was kind of frightening.

"I'm here, my love, to take you away," said Draco in a posh British voice, "Away from this island and all these filthy brutes. You can come back with me to my mansion in England and make out with me in a jacuzzi."

Legolas gagged.

There was a strange bubbling sound, and a puff of green smoke. A boy with glasses dressed in a similar outfit as Draco's (only it had red lions on it) emerged coughing from the smoke. "Over my dead body!" he cried.

Draco turned. "Potter?" he cried. "How did you get here?"

"Floo powder," the boy said smugly. "I figured out where the coordinates were on a map, and borrowed some from Professor Dumbledore." He added, "Because _I'm _his favorite and Voldemort's coming to kill me. Again."

"You are not! And besides, I got here first. Finder's keepers. You can get Broadway boy and his pet bird."

"No, I get Violet." He turned to Violet. "Pick me because I'm a hero and a geek."

"No, pick me because I'm filthy rich and a geek!"

"Pick me!"

"Pick me!"

"She's not going to pick either of you," said Artemis, stepping in front of Violet. "Violet isn't some lass you can claim. She knowingly chooses to stay with us because she knows we're her friends." He said in a manly, powerful voice, "You're going to have to get through me to get her."

"And me," Jack added, stepping in front.

"And me," said Van Helsing, his hands on his weapons.

"And me, but please don't take away my Maybelline." Legolas stepped in front, hiding his mascara.

Violet pushed her way out. "You see, boys, I'd rather stay on this island with an evil genius, a fop warrior, a pirate scoundrel and a cute assassin than go away with you. So, you should just give up while you're ahead."

Harry and Draco looked at each other. "Fine. We can see when we're not wanted. We'll just take back the presents and the magic force field and leave you to survive on your own." They picked up their broomsticks, and Draco muttered, "I never really liked that Mudblood harlot anyway."

It was at that moment that Artemis stepped forward and socked Draco in the nose. Draco burst into tears. Jack stared at his rum. "What is _in_ this stuff!"

The two wizards flew off; and Jack's weapons, Legolas' bow and arrows, and the pretty tropical trees disappeared. All that was left was a few fruit trees to tall to try to reach. Violet was grinning. "We're free!"

"Maybelline! Clinique!" Legolas sobbed. He glared at Artemis. "I hope you're happy."

Artemis was posed in a manly position. He stood there for a moment, before clutching his hand. "OW! What the bloody !#$&-" he drifted off into various curses in various languages, some which Jack doubted as human.

"Well, hangover's nearly over, I imagine," said Jack, fiddling with the sleeves of his shirt, "I don't know a single Broadway show that has _that_ word in it."

Violet's eyebrows were raised. "Heavens!" she said, "I've heard some words from malevolent villains, but not _that_ many!"

"It's comes from being in crime," Legolas said, shaking his head, "He's like a cross of Al Pacino and Brad Pitt in that creepy vampire movie 'Interview with a Vampire…'"

"Vampires?" Van Helsing jumped, weapons at ready, "Where?"

"Still, it was a terribly gentlemanly thing to do," Violet smiled, approaching the pained Artemis. "Thank you for, you know, standing up for me. It was out of your character."

Artemis looked at her like she had asked him to take off his shirt for her. "What did I do?"

"Oh. Never mind, then."

"What?"

"Never mind, Fowl! Humans…"


	6. Chapter 4, Part Two

**Author's Note**: Hello again! Sorry for the bit of a wait- I had a very busy schedule, you understand. But I figured I should update today because today is my birthday! Huzzah! Well, that was sort of random, but I wanted to tell you because I wuv you all so much. I'm delighted to have new readers. My apologies to Yazuka Princess- I should just tell you all right now that I have no idea what I'm doing; I'm just blindly bounding through a twisted monster of a parody. Please bear with me. Thank you for correcting me on the eunuch thing. So that's how you spell it… and I should also say that I really have no idea of any laws in Ireland, but I would very much like to go there and find out because it sounds like a lovely country. To VioletAshkevron- yes, I know the characters aren't the same, but that's what makes it funny. Ha. Ha. Ha. I just _had_ to write in something about Legolas being a… well, you know… because I think he's so adorable. Again, please bear with me, readers. I'm blonde, and have many blonde moments, if that's an excuse. Alright- here's part two of chapter four.

* * *

Chapter Four, Part Two

Upon reaching the cave, the five found to their dismay that the Atlas, the lingerie, and all the unopened presents were gone. The fire had gone out.

Violet sat troubled on the outside of the cave. Legolas came and sat down beside her.

"There's a whole half of the island that we haven't explored yet. Jack and Van Helsing are talking about going out to the other side. If we all go, we may find some fresh water and stuff." He paused. "Maybe we can find some sort of aloe or something and try to make cleanser." He sniffled. "I'm nothing without my skin care products…"

"You think you've got it bad?' Violet grumbled, elbows on knees and chin on fists, "I have two siblings that are alone and lost. It's my job to take care of them." She sighed. "I was going to buy a house. I'm finally of age to inherit my family's fortune. Now I'm stuck on an uncharted island and every second I worry about my brother and sister and if they're in danger."

"I was the youngest of nine elf children. We lived in a big pre-Sauron palace with my father in Mirkwood, so I have no idea what that feels like. I remember I had my first taste of caviar when I was 3200, 8 in elf years. That was before I was brought to the Warrior's Boarding School for Young Elves…" he turned. "What were we talking about again?"

Jack appeared with several empty rum bottles. "These were in the stash," he said, "If we're going to find water, we're going to bottle it and set up camp there."

"We might be able to eat something, too." Van Helsing said, coming out with more water.

"Look, it's Lenny and Butch, the ranger twins," Legolas grunted scathingly, "Maybe if we're lucky they'll teach us how to make a shopping mall out of a few branches, a canteen, and sun tan lotion."

"Come along, ladies," Jack shot back, "We don't want to spoil your mollycoddling, but we should be on our way. Take some bottles too while you're at it."

The group traveled down the mountain, out by the beach, where Artemis met Violet not three days before. They continued in the opposite direction, until the beach sand turned into rocky terrain. The group then moved inward into a rain-forest like area. To pass the time, Legolas had been singing an annoying nine-hour-car-ride-out-in-the-boonies-with-nothing-to-do song.

"Sixty-five bottles of rum on the wall, sixty-five bottles of rummm-"

"Will you shut up?" Jack yelled, a muscle in his jaw twitching.

"Come along, Captain," Legolas taunted, "It relieves the stress. You should try it. Everyone! You take one down, you pass it around…"

Jack reluctantly began singing along, and when finding that it did work, happily harmonized with Legolas' soprano. Van Helsing joined in as another baritone, and even Violet started to sing in a pretty alto voice. When asked, Artemis grunted, "I don't sing."

"Well, there goes our tenor. You take one down, pass it around-" Legolas rang out.

"Sixty-four bottles of rum on the wall!' everyone (excepting Artemis) replied.

"You just wait," Artemis grumbled, kicking beach sand with his hands shoved in his pockets, "When we get off this island, I'm either going to buy it and turn into an overpriced resort, or buy it and blow it up with some nuclear equipment."

Everyone stopped for a moment to stare at Artemis. Artemis, too consumed in his nuclear explosion thoughts, walked on.

Van Helsing peered at him. "It's still not too late to brand him a vampire and just kill him."

"You know, have you ever just considered that these creatures you hunt to be just misunderstood?" Jack asked nonchalantly.

"What?"

"Take Dr. Jekkyl/Mr. Hyde. This man was merely someone who longed to be something other than his dreary, science-loving self for once, and unfortunately came up with a concoction that made his personality alter. All he really needed was therapy."

Van Helsing looked shocked. "He killed people and livestock!"

"Well, I'm sure that the livestock wouldn't have been really missed if the farmers had bothered to read _Farming for Dummies_ and used up-to-date farming methods, they would have ended up with a surplus population."

Van Helsing paused. "But he killed innocent maidens as well."

Jack quivered. "Good point."

Violet, who was carrying her almost-finished contraption, was continuing to sing with Legolas. Artemis slowed his pace to walk with them.

"You have a very pretty voice, you know," he said, trying to sound casual.

"Oh, thank you." Legolas smiled, flipping his long golden mane, "I was trained by one of the greatest elf pop singers of the time. Elfin John had lungs of brass. He could hit such notes it would make nightingales blush-"

"I wasn't talking to you, you ninny," Artemis snapped, "I was talking to Violet."

Legolas' lower lip began to quiver. His blue eyes flooded with tears. "Well," he sniffed, "_Some _of us cannot recognize _true _talent."

"You have a lovely voice, Legolas." Violet assured the weeping pansy, "Artemis, you really need to learn how to not be so cruel to people you don't like. Why don't you try toning down your insults, or better yet, just be polite and not say anything?"

"I don't mean to," Artemis retorted, "It just comes out. Normally the people who I am insulting don't give a care and would probably do the same to me." He remembered how once one of his enemies mocked him by reminding him that Artemis was a girl's name.

"The one place you don't want to be impolite is when you are stuck in a situation in which you cannot escape and you are trapped with very irritable people. They have a way with plotting against you and making you walk the plank or slapping you across the face even though you didn't deserve it." Jack called from his agricultural conversation. I might ask you, dear readers, to remember this fact in life. It isn't very wise when you are stuck in places like a broken-down elevator, a deserted island, or a dog pen; to irritate the people or animals in which you are stuck with- because they will more than likely try t eat you.

Artemis paused. He noticed Violet was having some trouble carrying her machine she had been building. "It that heavy?" he asked.

"A little," Violet replied.

"Well, I could carry it for you for a while… if you want me to," he said, looking down. Violet smiled, and handed over the cumbersome device.

"You see?" she smiled, "A little practice and you're getting better at being nice already."

"Hey! Why don't you ever offer to carry some of these rum bottles I've been hauling?" Jack cried. Legolas hushed him.

"Don't interrupt their moment." He said.

"You call that a _moment_?" Jack cried. "A moment is where you have a lass backed up to a wall and she's kissing you feverishly and you're starting to show her your tattoo on your-"

Legolas picked up a rock and threw it at Jack's shoulder with admirable accuracy. Jack stumbled back.

"Chest! I was going to say chest!" Jack said, picking up the same rock and hurdling it at Legolas. Legolas fell onto the sand, and threw a whole bunch of rocks at him at super speed, grinning. Jack picked up a large rock, and threw it at Artemis' head. Artemis cursed, and whirled around.

"I've been wanting to do that." Jack grinned. Artemis dropped Violet's invention, snatched Van Helsing's crossbow, and started loading it. Jack stopped grinning, and made a mad dash ahead. Artemis followed him, cocking the gun in his direction.

"Hey! He's got my crossbow!" Van Helsing cried. Legolas looked at him.

"You sure are robust, but you're not very quick in the head, are you?" he asked.

"That boy is dangerous with a weapon!" Van Helsing dashed after them. Legolas shrugged, and skipped after them as well. Violet sighed, picked up her invention, and walked behind them.

"Don't take it seriously, mate! It was only a joke!" Jack cried, racing through the jungle. He had swerved into the forest to try to lose his predator. Artemis was catching up to him, and shot the crossbow. A silver stake whizzed by Jacks ear. Jack yelped, and reached for his gun, but remembered how all his weapons had disappeared when those perverted wizards went away. He sweared, before dodging several little boomerang-like knives.

"Take it easy!" he wailed.

Artemis said nothing. His dark eyes were wild, his jet black hair mussed from waving in the wind, He wasn't thinking anymore- his mind had tapped into an assassin-like killing mode. He didn't hear Jack's pleas. He took aim, and shot another stake, missing. Jack suddenly stopped, catching Artemis by surprise and pulling him out of assassin mode. He slammed into him. "Wha-" he started, but stopped. Van Helsing caught up to them, his chest heaving, snatched the crossbow away, then stared as well as sight before him. It was a hut. And in the corner of one of the branch-paned windows peeked a frightened face- staring right back at them.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Okay readers, I need your help. I have a bad case of writer's block and have no idea where to go next. I'm stuck! –sniffle- If you could give me a few ideas, I'd be greatly obliged. WHY! Of all the plagues a writer can get, why writer's block sweet Lord?

Thanks,

anotherblastedromantic


	7. Chapter 5,

Author's Note: Wow. It's been a long time. Actually, it's only been a couple of weeks since I updated. I apologize for the inconvenience, my awesome readers, but the first couple of weeks I was waiting for suggestions and this previous week I have been at camp, so, uh… yeah. I want to thank you, firstly, for your wonderful reviews and gracious suggestions. They were all very creative, I must admit (especially meowbooks'- how on earth do you come up with your ideas  ?) and I truly think I could've used them all somehow in the story, but I don't think it would help the story go where I think it should go. So, I think I might just go out on a limb and make my own character to help the five get off the island. Don't get me wrong, I love your ideas. I really liked the other two Baudelaire siblings idea however, I have a plan for Violet. Their time will come to enter the story…. mwahaha! And I don't think I could have any HP characters at the moment, again I have a plan. I just was lacking in that one connecting-piece to get the plan there. Pleeeeease don't be angry or anything with me. I wuv you all so much. I would grovel at your feet but I'm at a computer typing, so, sorry. Okay. I don't know if my idea will work, but we'll just see how it goes, won't me? Again, please bear with me. 

Chapter Five

Artemis Fowl, Captain Jack Sparrow, and Gabriel Van Helsing stared in confusion at the two eyes behind the window of the shabby hut. The face was enveloped in darkness, but the eyes shone brightly behind what seemed like cracked glasses. All three were out of breath, but it seemed that everyone stopped heaving and gasping after the chase out of sheer shock.

Legolas joined them shortly, saying in a singsong voice, "Well, have all you humans kissed and made up? Why so sile-" but he stopped as well at the sight of the eyes. "In the name of Galandriel." He said, leaning forward. The eyes darted this way and that, and suddenly the silence was broken with an awkward mumbling.

"Ssyew."

"I'm sorry, could you speak up?" Legolas said, remembering his manners. Manners matter when one is meeting possibly crazy people.

"It's… it's you." The voice said, coming out of the shadows. The four men jerked back, and got a good look at the stranger. It was a man, with thick, cracked glasses and wild grey hair. He had an untamed beard, and liquid blue eyes. He was wearing what seemed like a scientific lab coat of some sort. His eyes now took on a wild joy.

"It's you! Civilized people! Well, not exactly civilized, quite odd actually. One looks like a pirate, another a girl, another a vampire of some sort, and… and…" he paused. "I know those markings and weapons. I've not seen them in a while. You must work for the church in Rome," he gestured to Van Helsing. "Monster hunter of some sort. But no matter! You're here! I knew someone would come and rescue me, I just knew it. But after four-or was it seven?- years of being on this island with no civilized people to talk to, just science and her mystery, four-or was it seven?- you get sort of desperate and begin to lose hope. But the good news is that I found my antidote. I have triumphed in that field. But I couldn't get off the island. I just couldn't. So I waited. I waited, and waited, and waited…" he drifted off, in silence, then snapped back to attention. "I'm sorry, who did you say you were?"

Van Helsing peered at the man. "No… you're not… Gantus, are you?"

"That's Doctor Ophilius Gantus. I have many degrees and masters and certificates in science, but they don't mean diddly-anything out here in the wild. In fact, no one's around to care about your inventions or anything. They just want to eat you-"

"Who's the loony?" Jack whispered to Van Hesling.

"Dr. Gantus. He's the scientist I was looking for before I crashed. What a strange coincidence I found him here. He's quite mad now, I believe." Van Helsing replied, staring at the ranting man.

"You know I found the cure to the fever. Right here in the jungle. A little blue flower. I call it the Lazarus flower. Cute little thing. I made up a song about it. Would you like to hear it?" he started to sing in a cracked voice, but stopped. "I'm sorry, who are you?"

"Dr. Gantus," Van Helsing said, "I am Gabriel Van Helsing. You are with friends. I've been searching for you to help me kill a monster I've been hunting."

"Good, good, good. I know how to kill lots of monsters. I even know how to cure diarrhea. Nasty business, though. How soon can we get off this blasted island?"

"Well, that's the problem." Legolas ventured. "We're kind of… stuck as well. We don't know how to get off."

Dr. Gantus stopped, horrid disappointment in his crazy blue eyes, and started murmuring to himself. "No, no, they can't be. They aren't. but now that there are more, we can build it. Yes, we can build it now. But how long will it take before the Tiki-tikis get here? They've probably already arrived. They could hide. Yes. Hide and then build. The Tikis will never know…"

"Excuse me, but who are the Tiki-tikis?" Legolas said.

"Island people who come to this island after every full moon to make a sacrifice to their Island god." Dr. Gantus said nonchalantly, going back to his mumbling.

"Why is it that we keep getting people on this island that are either uncivilized and/or insane?" Artemis asked, staring.

"You should be the one to talk," Jack snapped, checking to see that any sharp objects were at least five feet away from Artemis.

"I knew you would come. I found a flying contraption obviously crafted by the monks at the Roman church. Those old boys like to tinker a lot with dangerous things for holy men."

"Wait… you found my Scaper?" Van Helsing asked.

"What's a Scaper?" Jack asked.

"It's a flying machine that can go underwater and over it. Meant for overseas traveling, clearly." Van Helsing said, glancing around the hut. "Where is it?"

"I dragged it into the hut; I was afraid the Tikis might see it and think it was some sort of sign from their angry god. It's quite useless- the wings are dented and the engine has blown."

Van Helsing cursed. "We'll never get out of here."

"Well, come inside at least. The Tikis will be out and about looking for things to sacrifice," Gantus said, pushing them into the hut. He pulled a lever which caused a canopy to cover the whole area and make it look like a moss-covered rock.

Inside was almost as curious as the scientist himself. It was filled with lots of tubes made from leaves, trees, branches, and bits of broken glass. A strange blue concoction was bubbling in a stained glass beaker.

"My cure for the fever," Gantus said, gesturing. He led them to a pile of leaves covered and nailed down to the ground by a dirty sheet. He pushed them down, and pulled out various beakers, filling them with a steamy red liquid. "This will brighten your spirits. It's made from a juice of a certain berry that has almost an effect of alcohol, but it's not as hazardous. It sends you quite giddy. I drink it when I get depressed and lonely. Which is all the time."

"Give me that!" Jack said, grabbing the beaker and draining it. He smacked his lips. "Tastes like a strawberry daiquiri." He said, shaking the glass for the remaining drops.

Artemis sipped his casually. "So, you've never tried to build a boat or anything to get off this place?"

"I've tried," Gantus said, pulling out some crumpled papers, and tossing them to Artemis. They were blueprints of various boats made from trees and leaves and other materials of the rainforests. Artemis scanned them. They were quite accurate. "But it's very difficult building a big boat to sail for a while all by yourself and constantly trying to hide from tribal islanders." He sighed, looking out the window. "See there?" he pointed to the mountain. A billowing cloud of smoke was starting to rise into the sky. "That means they've found something to sacrifice. Normally the whole procedure takes all night."

Legolas peered out the window. Van Helsing glanced through the boat blueprints. Jack drank some more berry concoction. Artemis sat back and continued to sip, when all of a sudden his dark eyes lit up and he sat up. "Where's Violet?" he said, his voice low.

Everyone turned around excepting Gantus. "Who's Violet?" he said, staring dreamily out the window at the dark pillow of smoke.

"For Saint Barthabiusnessdeluthius' sake!" Van Helsing cried. "That girl seems to get into so much trouble!"

"She could be fine," Legolas said, pushing Gantus out of the way to see anybody up there. He didn't want to bother to ask who St. Bartha-whoever was.

"I doubt it." Van Helsing said.

"Well, Violet's a smart lass, she knows how to get herself out of trouble." Jack said, finishing up his second glass.

"She is smart, but I can't help but worry. We should go up the mountain just to see if she's not in harm." Artemis said, walking briskly to the door. Gantus jumped in his way.

"Are you mad?" he asked incredulously.

"Are you?" Jack interrupted.

"No," Gantus said quietly.

"The first step to insanity is denial," Jack said.

"You should know," Artemis shot.

"_As I was saying,_" Gantus said, glaring, "Once the Tiki-tikis get to sacrificing things on the mountain, they get territorial, temperamental and much more violent then their usual behavior."

"Sounds like my mother having a hot flash," Artemis admitted to himself. Jack shuddered in fear.

"It is but folly to try to rescue someone up there. Firstly, you don't have any weapons other than those monster-hunting things, and there are only four of you. You need an army to get into there." Gantus said, shaking his head.

"No," Van Helsing said, "we need a disguise."

"What are you suggesting?" Jack asked, standing up.

"Indeed. Half of you look more like tribal woman than tribal men." Gantus said, looking Legolas up and down and stepping away from an evil-looking Artemis.

"Exactly," grinned Van Helsing, and grabbed a couple of sheets.


	8. Chapter 5, Part Two

**Author's Note**: 'Ello 'ello! How are my wonderful readers? Good? Bored? Insane? Well, that makes three of us. You, me, and my friend Cornelius. What? You don't see him? Heh. Thank you for your reviews. To whereartthou: ohhh, thank you! I've never had someone grovel at my feet before! I've groveled, but I'm not a… uh… groveled… person! To Cheorl: Van Helsing ROCKS! Who cares if he got bad ratings! I luv you, Hugh Jackson! Watch it, I advise you. To Frisky Muffin: You noticed! Now there's three of us who know I'm insane- me, you, and Cornelius… you don't see him _either_? Okay, this chapter's a little long… but I have good news! Three people make a wardrobe change, two quote poetry, and another two do an excerpt of a popular Broadway show! Are you excited? Good! LET'S GO!

* * *

Chapter Five, Part Two

Violet Baudelaire was in a bit of a mess. Well, she was used to it by now. Ever since her parents died and her siblings and she inherited their enormous fortune, block-headed villains had been out to kill/marry/adopt her since she was fourteen. But three years of quit-witted escape plans had kept her on her toes. Yet now she found herself in an extremely difficult position. She had been walking on the beach, carrying her water-purification device, when all of a sudden she heard a bunch of yelling, and saw a crowd of native-looking people charging up on her. Her instinct was to drop the device and run, however, one person carrying a slingshot hurled a stone at her head with admirable accuracy like her Elvin friend Legolas, and everything went black. When she woke up, she found herself dressed in strange native clothes with some sort of smelly paint smeared under her eyes, forehead, and lips. It tasted like cherry. She was never fond of cherry. There was a guard standing post under what looked like a tent she and he were in. Her hands and feet were tied to the posts of the platform she was laying on. If there were no guard, she could probably find a way to get her self out of this. The guard was clutching a spear. That could easily cut the ropes. But how to get the guard unconscious? Violet pondered. If she could only reach into her pocket and tie up her hair with a ribbon so she could think, but alas, she didn't even know where her ragged old dress was. Wait! An idea popped into her head. She remembered how she and her younger sibling Klaus would always have trouble sleeping when a storm rolled by in their childhood, and their mother always would have a remedy that never failed.

"At midnight, in the month of June,  
I stand beneath the mystic moon.  
An opiate vapor, dewy, dim,  
Exhales from out her golden rim,  
And, softly dripping, drop by drop,  
Upon the quiet mountain top,  
Steals drowsily and musically  
Into the universal valley." She said, in a slow, soothing voice. The guards eyelids drooped. His head began to nod. Violet continued:  
"The rosemary nods upon the grave;  
The lily lolls upon the wave;  
Wrapping the fog about its breast,  
The ruin molders into rest;  
Looking like Lethe, see! the lake  
A conscious slumber seems to take-"

The guard fell forward onto the platform, burying his head in Violet's stomach. He started to snore. Violet arched her back to dodge the spear that was leaning against the platform now. She craned her neck and used her teeth to use the spear to untie her right hand, and then she untied her left and her feet.

"The Sleeper by Edgar Allen Poe," she yawned. "Never, ever fails."

* * *

"I _cannot_ believe I'm doing this," Artemis grumbled behind Dr. Gantus' closet.

"Just come out, you sissy." Jack called. Artemis slowly stepped out, dressed in a woman's tunic. They had tied some coconuts to his chest under the dress to make him look more, well, you know. His face was downcast.

"Do you know how degrading this is." He said to the floor.

"Oh please. You obviously have never been to San Francisco." Legolas said, flipping his hair. He had tribal paint slapped on to his pretty face, making him look more like a Revlon model than ever.

Dr. Gantus wrapped a scarf around Artemis' head, putting some squashed berry paint on his lips and red powder on his cheeks. "You both look great," he said. There was an awkward silence before all three men who were not in drag burst out in hysterical laughter. Legolas held his chin up, but Artemis chose to bury his head in his hands.

"Don't do that, you'll smear your makeup," Jack said, holding back tears of laughter.

"Let's just go out there, rescue Violet, and get this over with," Artemis gritted his teeth. He was going to be scarred for the rest of his life.

As they made their way up the mountain, Van Helsing said, "You know, I think you've gotten a little bit tan. That sage looks great with your complexion." He let out a deep, throaty laugh. Artemis wondered about what might happen if he shoved a stone down his big, manly throat.

"Well, _I _think this baby blue looks wonderful on me. And it matches my eyes." Legolas picked up his skirts and leaped over a puddle.

"Let's go over the plan, shall we?" Artemis snapped.

"Let's. The object is that you two go in and distract the Tiki-tikis with your freakishness. While they're trying to figure out what in the name of God is your sex or rather species, we'll go in and search for Violet."

"How do we know where to look for her?"

"She'll probably be in some sort of tent. Be prepared to fight off some guards. The Tikis like to protect and prepare their sacrifice to perfection."

"If they've laid one finger on her, I'll-" Artemis started bravely.

"You'll what? Throw some lipstick at him?" Jack cackled. Thus comment started an eruption of more hysterical laughter. Artemis looked away.

"What's so important about this Violet girl, anyway?" Gantus asked.

"She has impeccable beauty to match her impeccable wisdom." Van Helsing said.

"That, and she's the only other intelligent, sane being living on this island." Artemis said.

"She's the friendliest, most understanding person I've ever met." Legolas said.

"She has really nice br…" Jack glanced at the raised eyebrows of the group, "uh, brains."

"Sounds like some sort of Greek goddess. Perhaps a combination of Athena and Hestia." Gantus stopped, and turned to Artemis. "You do know that Artemis was a _goddess_, right?"

Artemis sighed. "This day can't get much worse."

* * *

Violet was taking a peek outside to find the best way into the forest without being seen. The natives were building up a big fire now, and some of them had started chanting. The guard was still asleep. She hoped the four other men were not in harm. They had a way of getting themselves in trouble or just being thickheaded. The guard started to stir.

"And would not, for the world, awake.  
All Beauty sleeps!–and lo! where lies  
Irene, with her Destinies!" Violet soothed, and the guard rolled over, sucking his thumb. Violet sighed. This was going to be a tedious escape.

* * *

Legolas and Artemis approached the chanting crowd casually. "What do we do?" Legolas hissed.

"Act normal for now." Artemis hissed back. They started to chant the weird sayings with the dancing people. Legolas noticed it sounded similar to angst-y elfin rock songs he had listened to in his earlier youth.

"Eema ooga chaka winga eye lyke chiken newdels wit gravy." They sang.

"Anna banana fee fi fo fanna mannah slamma go 'Bama Get 'Er Done-" Legolas chanted. This was getting fun. However, people were starting to stare at him. Was it because he was acting ridiculous or was it because he was so pretty? He thought it was the latter, because a large hairy man with bones woven into his hair walked up to him and gave him a slap on his tight, gym-worked butt. The slap was so hard Legolas had to clutch his coconuts to keep them from bouncing out. Artemis snickered.

"Eeda neeka leeka bisceets awr gewd wit jam." He grunted, giving Legolas a toothless smile. Legolas whimpered.

"Fama?" the fat man demanded. The crowd pushed closer, echoing the strange word.

"Uh, shnooble laka… saka… bing bong." Legolas said. The fat man paused, and let out a big, rumbling laugh. He picked up Legolas, tossed him over his shoulder, and started carrying him to a tent. The crowd erupted in laughter. Legolas was terribly pale behind his makeup. "Save… me…" he whimpered. Artemis was deciding whether or not to laugh evilly or go over there and save him. Suddenly, Van Helsing appeared, took one of the torches igniting the fire, and set fire to a line of tents and huts. The crowd quickly transistioned from laughter to screams of fear. Like a mass of ants when you pour water on their hill, huge chaos being to ensue. People ran around, shouting, and Artemis followed the fat man, still holding on to Legolas. He grabbed a spear poking out from one of the tents, and turned around, checking to see if anyone was following him, backing into someone. He yelped, and wheeled around, clutching the spear, to see an equally frightened Violet.

"V- Violet?" he asked incredulously. "I thought you were-"

Violet stared at him for a moment, before cracking a huge grin. "Artemis? Is that you underneath all that makeup?"

Artemis looked down. "Oh, no…"

Violet began to laugh. It was strange, but nice. Normally Violet didn't laugh to much. At least he lifted her spirits. "Why on earth are you dressed like a girl?" she asked.

"I was coming to rescue you, obviously." Artemis shot back. "But you clearly don't need my help, so-"

"You destroyed your manly dignity to rescue _me_?" Violet asked, still grinning. "That's so sweet. Nobody's ever done that for me before."

"Well, don't expect me to do it again-" Artemis said, before Violet kissed him quickly on the cheek. She blushed, and looked down. Artemis had a feeling he was rather red as well. "Come on," he said, grabbing her hand, "lets go rescue our elf from the perverted fat man."

"Yes, let's… wait… what?"

* * *

Legolas had seen some scary things in the War of the Ring. He had seen the Lair of the Dead, he had seen Sauron's wrath, he had seen wring wraiths, but this was the most terrifying thing of all. A fat, sweaty heathen man was carrying him into a tent to do who knows what kind of unspeakable horrors to him. Why, why did he let himself dress up like a woman? He was unnaturally attractive from the beginning, but when he dressed up like a woman his beauty was greater than Aphrodite's. It was only human to not resist him, but why, why this fat man?

"Please, let me go," Legolas pleaded.

"Ooga mega naka loogy." The man replied, entering the tent. He placed Legolas on a sweaty cot. Suddenly, two figures emerged from the outside.

"Take your hands off our fop!" one declared in a thick Irish accent.

"Yes, or we'll… wait… _Legolas_? Why am I not surprised…"

The fat man squinted. "Shaka naka _meatballs_?" he asked incredulously, looking at the two feminine figures holding spears. "Drana shneeko _veela_!"

Violet held the spear in front of Artemis and her. "Stay back, and just give us our elf." She said slowly. The fat man took hold of the spear, and broke it in two. Violet stared at her blunted weapon. "Right," she said, tossing it aside.

"Wooga ooga chic fihlehy!" the fat man roared, advancing towards Violet. Artemis quickly pulled out a coconut from his chest and hurled it at him with force. It bounced off the man's head. The man took it up, staring it with great confusion. Artemis hurled another at him. It did no damage.

"Drat, his skull us so thick it won't do any damage!" Artemis said, backing into a corner.

"And I doubt even Edgar Allen Poe won't be able to put him out."

"Wait…" Artemis pondered, and spoke in a drilling monotone:

"Inter their bodies as becomes their births:

Proclaim a pardon to the soldiers fled

That in submission will return to us:

And then, as we have ta'en the sacrament,

We will unite the white rose and the red:

Smile heaven upon this fair conjunction,

That long have frown'd upon their enmity!

What traitor hears me, and says not amen?

England hath long been mad, and scarr'd herself;

The brother blindly shed the brother's-"

The fat man wavered, and fell forward toward Violet, Artemis grabbing her out of the way. There was a great crash. "blood?" Artemis finished. Legolas leaped over the fat man, grabbing a spear lying by the exit.

"Last scene of _King John_ by Shakespeare," Violet breathed, "I never would have guessed."

"Well, his comedies were all right, but his histories are in my opinion more tedious than watching a snail give birth." Artemis said, ushering them all out of the tent. People were running and screaming everywhere, rushing down the mountain to the beach to put the fire out. The would-be sacrifice, the elf clinging to his dress, and the quickly-becoming-courageous Irish boy ran towards the forest. Van Helsing caught up with them, putting away his scissor-hurling-spinney things, and pulling out his gun. Dr. Gantus came running up with a bag of what looked like food and herbs, and Jack came swinging from a vine, with a native girl tossed over his shoulder.

"Eeka neeka blasty fama shoola!" she screeched. Jack put her down, only to get a slap on the face that sent him whirling. The native girl walked briskly off.

"Fine, princess, just walk away! But just know that no girl has ever walked away from Captain Jack Sparrow the Savvy without crawling back for more!" he shouted, and stopped. "Well, there was always Elizabeth. And Fran. And Tina. And Tamir-Bashana-Haba'ah." He shrugged, and kept running.

"I think we've lost them," Dr. Gantus said, slowing down. "You've angered the Tikis. They don't like to have their sacrifices stolen, and they especially don't like having their homes damaged by women who aren't really women."

"And I doubt that fat man won't be too happy with us for stealing his girlfriend." Artemis grinned evilly. It was more evil now than his usual werewolf/vampire smile. Legolas tossed his hair, and pulled up his dress.

"You can hide in my hut for now. Now that there are six of us, I think we should build a boat to get off this place," Gantus said, getting that wild look in his eye.

"How do you propose we do that?"

"With wood from the forest, natural supplies, and scrap metal."

"Metal? Where are you going to get-" Van Helsing stopped. "No. No way are you going to tear apart my Scaper."

"It's useless now. Like I said, the engine's shot and the wings are dented. If we tear it up and use it for parts of a boat, then it will be of much more use to all of us." Gantus said.

Van Helsing sighed, and nodded.

"Well, at least you're not in a dress," Artemis said, trying to sound sympathetic.

"Yes, at least you've got your dignity. Artemis doesn't look good as a boy _or_ a girl. Maybe he's a hermaphrodite." Legolas said.

"You should talk," Jack said, grinning up and down at the feminine man clutching a dress and smoothing his lipstick.

"Artemis is _not_ a hermaphrodite," Violet said sternly. "And I wish you would stop picking on him. And that goes for Legolas too-"

"I am PROUD of my godly beauty!"

"If we keep taunting each other like this, we'll all go clinically insane." Violet continued.

"Well, most of us are already there," Artemis said, glancing at Jack and Dr. Gantus, who was talking to himself about bunnies.

"Why, Violet," said Jack, sprouting a charming gold-toothed smile, "I didn't realize you had changed from that raggedy little dress. May I say you look stunning in those island clothes. Like a Tequila Sunrise-" he took her hand and twirled her around. Violet blushed.

"I think you've had too much to drink, old chap," Artemis snarled, jerking Violet away.

"Yes, let Artemis have some of the spirits, captain. You've had your fair share of fine wines." Legolas said, grinning wickedly.

"I thought Artemis was too young to drink." Van Helsing said.

"Well that depends if you're from America or England/Northern Ireland/Ireland, where you have to be 16-17." Dr. Gantus said.

"How did you know that?"

"I did quite a bit of drinking myself on the merry ol' island in my youth-"

"Are we talking about alcohol or women?"

"I can't remember…"

Violet groaned, and buried her head in her hands.

* * *

With the weapons they had stolen from the Tiki-tiki grounds, the six went on a little hunting spree. (Van Helsing used his own, of course.) It began to be a sort of contest on who would bring back the biggest animal. The group separated into three pairs: Violet with Artemis (upon Legolas' urging… well, what did ya expect?) Jack with Legolas, and Van Helsing with Dr. Gantus.

"Keep moving, pansy." Jack grunted, slashing through trees.

"Will you stop calling me that? You humans have such a lack of vocabulary. And you need to stop making so much noise- you're scaring away the animals."

"What animals? There isn't anything out here other than bird dung." Jack said, dodging a smelling pile.

"That's an awfully big bird," Legolas said, getting down on the ground. He examined the pile of poo. "I believe it's fresh." He looked up, and grabbed his spear, taking hold of a tree. Silently, swiftly, he climbed up the tree like a cat. Crouching on one of the branches, Legolas leaped to another branch, and another, and then a vine. Taking a firm hold of it with his hands and feet, he hurled the spear at something covered in leaves. The thing squawked, went rigid, and fell from the sky. It landed in front of Jack with a _thunk_. It was a large, brown bird. Quite fat. Legolas slid down the rope, falling several yards, and landing with almost no sound on his feet and hands in the crouching position. Jack stared at him with an open mouth. Legolas stood, and flipped his mane.

"Well _you've_ just regained your manly respect!" Jack shouted, grinning.

"I'm an elf. You're a human," Legolas said, yawning. "What can I say."

But secretly he was loving the praise.

* * *

"So the lake monster's weakness is his armpit?" Van Helsing asked with interest.

"Indeed. The scales cover all of his body excepting the inseams coming down his shoulders, under his arms, and down his legs. The pit is a very vulnerable spot. I would suggest the sniper gun."

"You know, a funny thing happened with that gun of mine-" Van Helsing said, chuckling. "It was a rainy day, and I was battling the swamp monster, as usual…"

Dr. Gantus stopped. He felt something tighten around his ankle. He slowly looked down to the pattern of a thick diamond-printed snake, wrapping around him. "S-s-s…" he stuttered.

"And then the swamp monster said-"

"S-s-s…" the snake wrapped tightly around his legs.

"And then I shot at his-"

The snake was now wrapped around his arms.

"And then his voice was all high and he said-"

"SNAKE!" Dr. Gantus yelped, before the snake covered his mouth.

Van Helsing promptly turned around, chucked a whirly-star-thingy at it, barely missing Gantus' head. Gantus flinched, his body tight, and the snake loosened, uncoiled, and fell at his feet. Van Helsing walked over, tossed the thing over his should and continued, "So then he said, 'hey, that's personal,' and I said, 'your mother's personal!' and he said, 'my mother's dead'-"

* * *

"You know I've read a lot of books in my time, and I mean a _lot_, but I don't think I've ever read a 'How to Survive in the Wild or On a Deserted Island' book. And if I have, I've probably forgotten it." Artemis said. "I sure wish I could've read one recently."

"My brother, Klaus, is a beyond superb reader. He's read almost every book in our old library, and was going to finish off the last ones in a few weeks. That was before villainous pyromaniacs set our house aflame and then we were lurched into a series of unfortunate…" Violet paused.

"Events?" Artemis ventured.

"I was going to say 'and altogether depressing, tedious happenings leading down a curving road to nowhere on a deserted island,' but yours works too."

Artemis paused. Girls could be so fickle sometimes.

"Anyway, once I buy a house for my siblings, we'll purchase a whole ocean of books. So many that you can lock yourself up in a room and read till your old and grey and your teeth fall out." Violet said, getting a fiery look in her eye. She seemed determined to fight against the nonexistent thing that held her from achieving her well-deserved happiness. Artemis never really had experienced total and complete misery: after all, when one is a super-genius, one tends to eliminate useless emotion from the psyche to keep distractions away, and so block out sadness, jealousy, and… possibly affection? Artemis shook this thought from his head. "You know, once we _do_ get off this island- er, when you find your siblings and buy that big house, I could… um… lend some of my books to you and your brother… if you want…"

Violet looked at him with raised eyebrows.

"Well, I mean, because I've read all of them at least twice now, so… um…" Artemis sighed. Once again he was stuttering like some sort of baboon. For a boy who knew 53 languages, why couldn't he speak his own at the moment? Violet smiled.

"That would be perfect. And if you want, you can come over some time and… uh… my little sister can cook for us."

"An inventor, a researcher, and a cook. What an interesting combination. How old is she, exactly?"

"She'll be four next month."

"Four?"

"Yes."

"Impressive. What are her favorite ingredients?"

"Boar."

"Well, it's an acquired taste. I myself prefer-"

"No really." Violet said, pointing. "Boar."

Artemis followed her finger. He clutched the spear in his hand, narrowing his gaze on the fat beast. It was nuzzling it's snout in some sort of fungi, gorging itself. Artemis looked closer. He looked like a boar under _Sus scrofa _species, possibly. Violet was already creeping up to it, keeping behind trees. Artemis followed her, but stepped on a twig. The pig looked up, staring straight at Artemis. Artemis and Violet both lunged, knocking into one another and nearly stabbing themselves in the process. The boar ran for his life, Artemis and Violet following. Artemis had a good head on the boar from behind, so Violet decided since she was the faster runner she would run ahead and get the boar from the side. She disappeared into the trees, keeping a firm eye on the prey and its pursuer. Artemis ran the boar to the left, and when the boar was coming her way she stopped suddenly and plunged the spear into its thick, hairy skin. The boar squealed in out rage, trying to attack her with his tusks. Artemis chose then to put the creature out of its misery at spear it in the neck, pushing the thing through till it came out bloody on the other side. With a retired bodyguard trained in the military forces, he had learned little tidbits of information on how to crudely kill a person by damaging a certain artery in the neck. He supposed stabbing the thing like a shish kabob would do the trick. However, if he had his technology here he could find some cleaner, quicker way to kill the beast. However, if he had his technology here he could've gotten off this island the minute he found himself washed upon it. Anyway, the beast slowed its movements, finally coming to a halt. A steady stream of blood had poured out and was now gathering in a puddle at their feet.

"Come on," Artemis said, putting his foot on the carcass and pulling the spear out. Violet took its hind legs and Artemis took the front, carrying the pork back to the camp.

* * *

"This is truly wonderful!" Dr. Gantus said, putting more wood onto the fire. "Just wonderful. I would've never caught this much food by myself. And it only took a couple of hours! We can eat some of it tonight, and start drying and salting the rest for the journey home." He tossed another stick in.

"Home?" Violet asked hopefully.

"Why yes, my dear. We are going to build a boat and sail out into the deep blue sea."

"Ah, the ocean. My first true love," Jack sighed dreamily.

"Well, do we know where we're going?" Van Helsing asked.

"Northwest. I remember from looking at that atlas. There are a cluster of islands around South America. And we're southeast from there, if our theory is correct. We just sail in a steady direction and something should come up."

"And if nothing does?"

"Then we will be forced to eat ourselves alive," Gantus said cheerily. Everyone sat in silence for a minute, eyeing whom to eat first.

Finally, Van Helsing spoke up. "Should we be building this fire? Won't the natives see the smoke?"

"Don't worry about the natives. If they come down here, we'll use the camouflage. Now, let's cook some meat," Gantus said hungrily. Jack and Legolas started to cut up bits of the snake, tossing them on a burning board of wood to sizzle. Jack dumped a hearty helping of the berry stuff "to marinate it." Violet talked with Dr. Gantus about inventing while cutting up a tropic mushroom to also throw in the fire. And Van Helsing and Artemis went outside to gather more firewood.

"We caught some big meat today," Van Helsing bragged.

"Well, not as big as our _Sus scrofa_," Artemis bragged back.

"I bet you tripped on your spear and it landed on the piglet," Van Helsing laughed.

"No. We planned an organized attack route on the enemy and expertly executed it." Artemis said. Van Helsing continued to scoff. "Well what'd you do to kill your garden snake, flex your muscles at it?"

Van Helsing glared at Artemis. "Maybe." Artemis glared back. Suddenly, a chord appeared. Artemis stepped forward into a magical limelight.

"WHAT IS THIS FEELING, SO SUDDEN, AND NEW?" he sang.

"I FELT THE MOMENT I LAID EYES ON YOU..." Van Helsing sang, stepping into another light.  
"MY PULSE IS RUSHING..."  
"MY HEAD IS REELING ... "  
"MY FACE IS FLUSHING ..."  
Then, they both began to sing in tenor-baritone harmony, "WHAT IS THIS FEELING? FERVED AS A FLAME  
DOES IT HAVE A NAME?  
YEEEEEEES:  
LOATHING  
UNADULTERATED LOATHING ..."  
"FOR YOUR FACE-"

"YOUR VOICE."  
"YOUR CLOTHING ..."  
Again, they both sang, "LET'S JUST SAY -- I LOATHE IT ALL!  
EV'RY LITTLE TRAIT, HOWEVER SMALL  
MAKES MY VERY FLESH BEGIN TO CRAWL  
WITH SIMPLE UTTER LOATHING-" suddenly, they broke into a jazz-hands kick-step- very Broadway. A nice accompaniment began to play. Who was playing it, don't ask me. "-THERE'S A STRANGE EXHILARATION  
IN SUCH TOTAL DETESTATION  
IT'S SO PURE! SO STRONG!  
THOUGH I DO ADMIT IT CAME ON FAST  
STILL I DO BELIEVE THAT IT CAN LAST  
AND I WILL BE LOATHING  
LOATHING YOU  
MY WHOOOOOLE LIFE LONG!"

"What on earth are you two doing out there?" a voice yelled from the hut. Artemis and Van Helsing broke out of their jazz-routine, shoving their hands in their pockets.

"I love that musical," Van Helsing commented quietly.

"Me too." Artemis agreed. They walked back to the hut in silence after that.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Well? Well? What did you think? Once again, I'm sorry it was so long, but there was so much to write! Did you like my Wicked duet? To those of you out there who love the musical as much as me: heh. I couldn't resist. This is really sad- I'm writing all this made-up stuff about surviving in the wild. I'm going to die if I ever get forced to live in the wild. How does Aragorn do it:) Thanks again for your reviews! Day 6 coming up!


	9. Chapter 6

Legolas had awoken early that morning. For once, he didn't try to drown his spirits in rum with his savvy yet slightly delusional companion Captain Jack the night before. Jack had, however, and lay sprawled out over the floor, mumbling in his sleep about the ocean and her beauties. Legolas had made bacon for himself and was listening to the calming sizzle combined with Jack's poetic subconscious being released. Jack seemed to roll and tilt in his dreams, probably dreaming he was on his ship, swaying with the roll of the waves. Dr. Gantus was not up yet, he lay on the couch, curled up. He seemed to twitch- his leg would give an involuntary jerk, which would kick a child-like sleeping Artemis, who would randomly say something like, "Butler," or, "hypochondriac." Sometimes, Artemis would say something like, "Garden gnome," or something that had to do with a magical creature, and Van Helsing, keeping one eye open when he was snoring, would jump up and shout, "Where?", and then fall down again. So, the whole performance went a bit like this:

_Sizzzzzzzzzzzzzzle…_

"Ah, the ocean…"

_Sizzzzzzzzzzzzzzle…_

_Twitch… thunk…_

"Brandy,"

_Sizzzzzzzzzzzzzzle…"_

"With all her wonderful entireties…"

_Sizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzle…_

_Twitch… thunk…_

"Faerie,"

"Where?" _Thunk._

_Sizzzzzzzzzzzzzle…_

"Her depth… her rhythm…"

_Sizzzzzzzzzzzzzle…_

_Twitch… thunk…_

"Oompa-Loompa."

"Where?" _Thunk._

_Sizzzzzzzzzzzzzle…_

"Her unpredictability… she can be a cool, serene sapphire, and suddenly change to a stormy gray…"

_Sizzzzzzzzzzzzzzle…_

Legolas thought it was like some sort of weird, annoying, yet addicting song you sing in rounds on very long car rides, like 'Row Your Boat.' Legolas smiled thinly. Would it work? He supposed he could try.

"Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream-"

_Twitch… thunk…_

"Elf."

"Where?" _Thunk._

_Sizzzzzzzzzzzzzle…_

"Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily-"

At this point Legolas found out that when he sang 'Row Your Boat,', Violet began to clutch her head and roll around the bed she was sleeping on, moaning, "No, please, no…" Another delightful round to add in the strange song.

_Sizzzzzzzzzzzzle…_

"To spend a peaceful, quiet day on my deck, listening to the song of the water and swaying with the wave's dance while sipping mint julep tea is paradise in my mind…"

_Sizzzzzzzzzzzzle…_

_Twitch… thunk…_

"Hobbit."

"Where?" _Thunk._

_Sizzzzzzzzzzzle…_

"Life is but a dream-"

"No, please… stop…"

_Sizzzzzzzzzzzle…_

Legolas let it go on for a few minutes until the bacon was done, in which he took the sizzling rock of the fire and ate his toasted meat happily. He stopped singing 'Row Your Boat,' so Violet drifted off to sleep again. Jack, Artemis, Gantus, and Van Helsing continued rambling or twitching, but it wasn't as pretty as before. When Legolas was finished, he walked over to the bed Violet was sleeping on and continued singing in a soft voice, "Row, row, row your boat…" But after a while, Violet sat up, eyes still closed, grabbed a knife that was sitting by a crudely-made bed stand, and began stabbing the pillow next to her, laughing softly, but crazily. Legolas backed away. He had decided that their sleeping-in time was finished.

"RISE AND SHINE, MORTALS! IT'S TIME TO BUILD A BOAT!" he yelled.

All five of them snapped awake, sat up, and said simultaneously, "I had the strangest dream."

Dr. Gantus began to prepare some more bacon, asking Legolas if he might go and look for eggs. Jack asked if there was any mint julep tea around, but when asked what the bloody heck he was talking about by Artemis, denied that he had said anything. Van Helsing checked out side to see if any natives were around, while Violet wandered aimlessly around the hut, knife still in hand, with a blank look on her face. No one talked to her much that morning.

* * *

Dr. Gantus was right. Building a boat with six people went a lot quicker than expected. Van Helsing and Jack did most of the hard work. They took up the morning chopping down trees behind the hut, and then shaping them into boards. Artemis measured the wood, basing his work from the blueprints. Legolas would then finish the job by working out all the rough edges and cutting to the measurements. Violet worked on tearing apart and melting the mettle. She had melted a huge mass of it, turning and poking it in the fire. Its orangey light reflected off the curves of her face, dancing in her eyes and bouncing off the drops off sweat on her brow. Dr. Gantus rushed from place to place, helping some and ordering everyone about. Soon, they had enough boards for Legolas to measure (the nails derived from the Scaper, of course,) and then he and Jack switched places, Jack insisting that "he knew boats, and that blasted elf would probably break a fingernail trying to hammer or something and would be of no use." Legolas agreed, glancing at his nails. Once Jack had finished the frame, looking like some sort of giant rib cage, he began working on the bottom of the boat. Once Jack had finished the frame, looking like some sort of giant rib cage, he began working on the bottom of the boat. The boat was a fair size, probably around the size of a master bedroom. It was probably around 18 feet tall, with an cabin below for food, water, and other stuff you might need while sailing out into the big blue. This did not include the railings, which were boards about four feet tall. Van Helsing set out for a tree tall enough to serve as a mast. He needed two: one tall one, and one medium size. Dr. Gantus to gather any scrap of material he could find to sew together to make two sails. He found several blankets, the sheet from the couch, the sheets on his bed, some of his clothes, and the girl clothes Artemis and Legolas had worn. He began sewing madly away. Artemis wondered about how it was so convenient that Gantus had a sewing kit, and when he asked him Gantus stoutly replied, "Well, it's a hobby of mine. Do you know how boring it is, just sitting all day on an island with nothing to do? One needs a hobby." Artemis shrugged. Some liked to sew, some liked to hack into military systems and steal vital information about aliens.

Dear readers, I must say that this whole process was very tedious and monotonous altogether, and I am becoming very bored just writing about it. So, I will skip ahead a few days, since nothing really exciting happened except for when Legolas as Jack prophesized broke a nail and wept bitterly for three hours. Ah yes. Skipping ahead two days of hard work…

"I do believe we are nearly there," Dr. Gantus smiled. Violet was busy sticking on the cooling metal, and then nailing it to the boards. Van Helsing showed Legolas how to weld nails, and Legolas had made some more from the spare metal. Dr. Gantus had made a water-purification machine a few years before, and had taken the salt to salt the meat. Unfortunately, there was no freezing system, so the fruits they had gathered would have to be dried. Artemis wasn't certain it would nourish everyone the way it was supposed to.

"Well, if worse comes to worse, we can always get scurvy," Dr. Gantus said, sounding awfully excited.

"How long will it take to get to another island?" Violet asked, looking down.

"I don't know for sure. I remember I was close to a place called Falkland Island which belongs to the UK out around the coast of South America when I crashed. Perhaps we can navigate to there, and from there navigate to Argentina."

"And when we get there?"

"Well, obviously we will be on a continent that is civilized enough to contact means of transportation to get us all home." Artemis sniffed, regaining that posh snobbiness he had not yet lost.

"That's only if we make it to another island alive, and if the island is inhabited its inhabitants are friendly." Legolas said.

"If not, we can always sell Violet as a trade or peace thing," Jack grinned evilly, glancing up her admirable assets. Violet's hands suddenly had a spasm which caused her to drop her hammer, conveniently over Jack's head.

"Ow! I didn't deserve that-"

"Actually, you did." Van Helsing chuckled.

"Enough chattering. We have work to do." Gantus said, handing the hammer back to Violet, who resumed her work.

They went on, purifying lots of water, building, drying, sewing: preparing. Dr. Gantus, being a scientist, was used to believing the impossible. After all, he had discovered a cure for a fever that most preclaimed uncurable. But now he felt himself approaching a new chapter of his scientific escapade in life. He would have to trust his instincts to a bizarrely wild pirate, a foppy magical creature, a dashing but a little dull monster assassin, a creepy snobby genius, and a smart little mechanic with phsycopathic tendencies. He was taking a leap- and he had faith in his new friends to catch him. Dr. Gantus smiled, and kept working.

He was obviously quite mad.


	10. Chapter 7

**Author's Note:** Wow. We've gotten quite far in our story, haven't we, my precious readers? Sigh, listen to me. I'm referring to you like Gollum refers to the ring. It's not going to be long before I just go crawl into a cave and eat raw fish. Ew. Okay, going on to reviews. I would first like to make a big apology to **M. E. Gryphon**, who corrected me on a rather embarrassing issue of culture. I give you my most sincere apologies, I had no idea. You see, as I've told everyone deliberately, I really don't think when it comes to writing this monster, in fact I rarely think at all. I have made corrections to the text to make it not so insulting. I hope you'll excuse my rudeness and accept my apology. To **Arsinoe Selene: **Wow. I didn't know the throwing stars had a name. I'll make a note of that. Also, sorry on the Elvish thing. I'll try to be better at that. To **Redberry Greenleaf**: you reviewed my story! Awesome! I'm happy you like it. To **shadowglove**: You are very welcome. I like your story a lot and I'm happy you like mine:) To **Captain Arianna Trouble: **(in a low, dangerous voice) Which character? WHICH CHARACTER? Tell me or the author gets it! (holds a spork towards Eoin Colfer's nose. He gives an 'are you kidding me, or are you just stupid?' look.) To **VagrantCandy:** Ah, a shrubbery! It's not too tall, and not too expensive. And if you want to read the next chapter, you must give me… ANOTHER SHRUBBERY! And another thing- don't be afraid to show your blonde. People will hurl all sorts of dumb blonde jokes at you, but if you like you can look in part two of chapter five and quote Edgar Allen Poe, and then you'll feel very smart indeed! To **whereartthou: **Don't hurt yourself honey. But thank you, I'm flattered.:) To **Yazuka Princess: **AUUUGH! I'll never get it right! I'm sorry… I'm a terrible failure at serious things like understanding Irish law… To **Cheorl: **Jack has his luck with Annamaria, Elizabeth, the spawn of Will, and all those OCs created by devoted fangirls such as I. It's perfectly alright if Violet drops a hammer on his head once and a while. Hey! He's a hammerhead! Get it? Get it? To **Frisky Muffin: **Have you tried the rainbow colored kind? Those are fun…. And speaking of which, to those of you who like Willy Wonka, I haven't noticed any fics on that subject. Maybe I'm not looking in the right places, but I should greatly like to read one. Hmmm…

* * *

Chapter Seven

"It's ready," Jack said, admiring the work he and his five compadres had done in the past few days. The boat was splendid work for such the small time it had been built. Jack made sure all the proper finishing touches had been made- like if the bottom of the boat, covered with a layer of metal, was smooth so the boat could move faster. It had a narrow bow, with a nice little stern and a mast with a moderately sized sail. Dr. Gantus had left out a couple of blankets and clothing for warmth, because Jack said it could get pretty chilly out there. There was a lower compartment where they had put all their food and Dr. Gantus' things. The six hauled the ship out to the shore, Dr. Gantus making a final check to see if he had left anything behind. Jack, Artemis, Violet, Legolas, Van Helsing, and Dr. Gantus took a final look at the island which in such a brief time held so many memories: when Legolas first met the humans, when Jack and Legolas had their first hangover, when Artemis tried to kill Legolas, when Artemis tried to kill Jack, when Van Helsing tried to kill Artemis, when vampires tried to kill Jack, when Jack tried to kill Dobby, when Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter fought over Violet, when Artemis socked Draco in the nose, when all of them cried like little girls at one point or another, when Van Helsing and Artemis had a secret duet, when Artemis and Legolas dressed up like women, when Artemis tried to save Violet only to find that she had saved herself with the help of Edgar Allen Poe, and a whole bunch of other memories that I am too lazy to put in because this is getting to be a rather large run-on sentence, my dears. Anyway, they smiled fondly remembering the trials and friendships they had made. Finally, Van Helsing broke the silence.

"Maybe we should come back someday- you know, just for old time's sake."

Jack smiled a wily, pirate grin. "Yeah. For old time's sake."

Then, without further ado, they climbed into the boat, and shoved off with a nicely-made oar. Then, they left the island, and made their way out to sea. But don't think by leaving the island this is where the story ends, my lively little readers. Oh no, they still had a bit of the journey to go. All of them knew they were going out into the unknown- unsure of what was to come. All they were sure of was that they were now on a new adventure- the adventure home.

* * *

Jack smiled, turning the wheel with ease and letting the wind play with his dreadlocks. This was his territory- the ocean- and he knew how to work with her. Artemis had constructed a compass from a dish of water, a piece of cork, and a sewing needle that had been rubbed on with a magnet that was on a picture frame that Dr. Gantus owned.

"It's an ingenious little frame," Gantus smiled, "you can prop it up on your desk with the folding stand, or you can stick it on your refrigerator with this little magnet here!"

The picture itself was of whom Dr. Gantus called his girlfriend, but Van Helsing had a strong suspicion it was probably his sister or his mother or his cousin or something. But that's really not important. Anyway, Jack glanced over at the compass lying on the table on the dock, making sure he was still northwest. Van Helsing was reading a book that Dr. Gantus had brought along. It was called, "Brownies: a delightful chocolate pastry, a troublesome pixie, or an innocent cookie-selling scout?" Dr. Gantus was down below, experimenting with some ground-up herbs and leaves for seasickness. Violet was by the sbowsprit looking out to the sea, thinking of inventing ideas, her hair tied up in a shred of cloth she used for a ribbon. Artemis was having seasickness problems over the pinrail of the boat or whatever the edge of the ship is in which you puke over. They had built a little lookout point on the very top of the mainmast, and Legolas had been singing very bad sea songs that he only knew half the chorus to. The rest he just sang "da da da da la la la something something." Finally, Van Helsing silently unloaded his gun, reloaded it with apiece of cork, took aim, and fired it at the happy elf. Legolas had been slumped unconscious over the side of the lookout point for about twenty minutes now. Jack felt that Legolas looked a bit like someone he knew very well, but he couldn't put his finger on it. Violet presently went below to check on Dr. Gantus. She came up with a green substance in a bowl, and handed it to the sick Artemis, who from the vomiting had returned to his pale state. He had a tinge of green in his skin, so he looked more of a puce color.

"This is why I don't generally like to sail," Artemis said in a low voice, tasting the gunk. He gagged. "What the bloody heck is this stuff?"

"It's something Dr. Gantus made. He said it would take away the nausea, but it will probably add to the greenness."

"Hey!" Van Helsing brightened. "You already have raven hair and back clothes. If we give you a pointed hat and broom you can really be Elphaba, runt!" he laughed that deep, manly laugh that Artemis loathed. Artemis quietly murmured a threat in another language.

"Who's Elphaba?' Violet was puzzled.

Van Helsing stopped laughing, embarrassed. "I didn't say anything…"

Artemis grimaced, finishing the concoction. "I can't wait to get back to civilized land where they have Advil and Tylenol and Motrin." He smiled. His cheeks were starting to turn a lovely shade of emerald.

"You think this is bad?' Jack called from the helm, "Try living like this. Almost every day of your life. And there's none of those fancy pain-reliever drugs around for miles. Then complain to me."

"Yeah, don't be such a baby, Elphie." Van Helsing was having fun with this.

"Why are you calling him-" Jack turned around, and stared at Artemis. He started to laugh hysterically. "For the love of rum, boy! You look like a cucumber!" he clutched his sides.

Dr. Gantus emerged from below, spotting Artemis. The green had spread across his whole face. "Oh, don't worry, boy. You'll return to your normal shade when you get used to the motion. In the mean time… uh… well…" Dr. Gantus drifted off, biting his tongue to keep from laughing himself. Jack was rolling on the ground. Artemis went below to go bang his head against a wall.

Violet went back to the bowsprit. She remembered the time in the cave back on the island when the men had wanted to leave Violet behind on their hunting expedition because they thought it was too dangerous for a girl, and she had told herself there were going to be many more occasions like that. This was an occasion. "Men," she said quietly, rolling her eyes.

* * *

Artemis had been banging his head on a wall for some time now. He had meant for it to cause pain and in all make him lose his memory. It was only painful for now. But suddenly, it didn't hurt anymore. Artemis stopped banging and whirled around. He was not looking at the cabin anymore, but at a shiny green city. A nice piano score was playing in the background. Various people popped out of buildings singing random things about a wizard. He looked down. Ugh. This annoying greenness had not changed, but wait… what? He was no longer wearing his old slacks and shirt, but they had morphed into a dress. A wide-brimmed black hat was on his head as well.

"I'm wearing a dress?" he asked. But he found he could not sing. Instead, his words came out in song. "Why-"

"Oh, Elphaba. Even though you're an unpopular nerd, you can be pretty silly sometimes." Said a deep voice from behind. He whirled around. Standing before him with a sparkly wand in a sparkly pink dress, was Van Helsing.

"Van… Van Helsing? You're in a dress too! Where are we? Why is everything so shiny?"

Van Helsing played with the crown on top of his head, and laughed girlishly. It was even more annoying than the deep one. "Oh, Elphie. How many times do I have to tell you that you are a girl and girls wear dresses? No matter. I'm going to twist you into a clone of me and even though you're green, you'll be…" the music changed.

"POPULAR," he sang,

"YOU'RE GONNA BE POPULAR

I'LL TEACH YOU THE PROPER PLOYS  
WHEN YOU TALK TO BOYS  
LITTLE WAYS TO FLIRT AND FLOUNCE  
I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT SHOES TO WEAR  
HOW TO FIX YOUR HAIR  
EVERYTHING THAT REALLY COUNTS

TO BE-"

"OMG! Galinda! We love you, Galinda!" a passerby yelled. Van Helsing waved with a cheesy smile. He turned back. "What was I talking about?"

"H-Hi, Miss Galinda," a low voice said. Artemis turned to find a very short Jack blushing in Van Helsing's shadow.

"Oh. Hi Boq." Van Helsing sighed.

"Can I… uh… do anything for you? Get you a glass of water? Be your devoted slave? Anything?" he asked, tugging on his pink skirt. Then, Violet walked up.

"'Sup," she said, shoving her hands in her pockets in a John Travolta way.

Van Helsing swooned. "Fiyero's so scandalicious…"

"Violet is a she," Artemis corrected.

Van Helsing glared at Artemis. "Can you go fly a kite… or, your broomstick, or something?" he said. Artemis looked to his right hand. He was holding a broomstick. He looked to Violet, who had started to sing:

"Dancing through life  
Swaying and sweeping  
And always keeping cool  
Life is faught less  
When you're thoughtless  
Those who don't try  
Never look foolish  
Dancing through life  
Mindless and careless  
Make sure you're where less  
Trouble is rife  
Woes are fleeting  
Blows are glancing  
When you're dancing  
Through liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife..."

Artemis stared in horror at Violet, who began to dance to disco-theme background. Van Helsing began to dance along. A disco ball came down, nearly whacking a chick in a wheelchair in the head. "Ow," she said.

Artemis looked closer. "…Legolas?"

Legolas ignored him, wheeling up to Jack, who was pestering Van Helsing for a dance. Van Helsing pushed him into Legolas, who squealed and hung on to Jack's waist like some desperate… well, chick in a wheelchair. Jack grunted, trying to brush him off, but finally giving in and dancing with him.

"Jack? Legolas? I don't know what's going on…" he tried to say to the couple. They ignored him. Artemis tried again. "Jack? Legolas?"

"I'm Nessarose, you're sister, dummy," Legolas replied, twirling in his wheelchair, which was harder than it looked. He gave up presently.

"Fine. Pretend to be a woman. But Jack, I- Jack listen to me!" Artemis whacked Jack in the head with his broom, sending him wheeling. In a flash of green smoke, he fell to the floor, a tin can. Yes, readers, that was not a typo. He was a can. Legolas picked him up, and started weeping uncontrollably.

"Now look what you've done to my boyfriend! You never want me to be happy! I'm gonna tell Daddy, so there!" he began to wheel away, when a house fell on him. A kid in pigtails stepped out, looking around. She grabbed the shiny red shoes that were on Legolas' feet sticking out, and ran, followed by her rabid puppy. Van Helsing was still dancing with Violet.

"Now, look here, Van Helsing. If you want to dress like a girl, that's fine. And Violet, if you want to go around denying your feminine beauty and matching intelligence, go right ahead. But me, I'm going to find a way out of here." He paused, feeling the strange need to sing. The music changed again.

"So if you care to find me  
Look to the Western sky!  
As someone told me lately  
Everyone deserves the chance to fly  
And if I'm flying solo  
At least I'm flying free  
To those who ground me  
Take a message back from me!

Tell them how I am defying gravity  
I'm flying high, defying gravity  
And soon I'll match them in renown  
And nobody in all of Oz  
No Wizard that there is or was  
Is ever gonna bring- gasp-meeee dooooooooooooown!"

His broom began to rise. Artemis had no idea what he was singing, but he was doing a bloody good job at it. Violet looked up, interested. Van Helsing was singing something about how he hoped Artemis was happy, but it was soon blocked out by a crowd singing about how Artemis was wicked and they have to bring him down. So, the chick in pigtails from the house came out with a bazooka and fired it at Artemis, knocking him off his broom. Artemis yelped in surprise, but it only came out as more awesome notes.

"Ah-ah-ah-AH-AHHHHHH!" he sang/screamed. He fell with a thud. Van Helsing picked at his nails. Violet stooped to help Artemis.

"MAYBE I'M BRAINLESS," she sang,  
"MAYBE I'M WISE  
BUT YOU'VE GOT ME SEEING  
THROUGH DIFFERENT EYES  
SOMEHOW I'VE FALLEN  
UNDER YOUR SPELL  
AND SOMEHOW I'M FEELING  
IT'S 'UP' THAT I FELL ..."

Artemis smiled. The music changed yet again, and they began to sing in harmony,

"JUST FOR THIS MOMENT  
AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE  
COME BE HOW YOU WANT TO  
AND SEE HOW BRIGHT WE SHINE-" they clasped hands, and began twirling around. Van Helsing did not look up.  
"BORROW THE MOONLIGHT  
UNTIL IT IS THROUGH  
AND KNOW I'LL BE HERE HOLDING YOU  
AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE..."

Artemis paused, looking up. Violet looked into his eyes. "What is it?"

"I think we're being watched," he said. And, sure enough, high above a sparkly green tower, there was a big, metal face glaring at them. He shouted something.

"What?" Artemis called. The face shouted it again. "Speak up!" Violet said. Finally, a little man in green with frizzy grey hair parachuted down. When he got close enough, Artemis could see it was Dr. Gantus.

"Ah, that's better. Firstly, I am the Great, Terrible, Powerful, and a lot of other things Wizard of Oz." he smiled, striking a pose.

"Dude. You're really, uh… old." Violet said, not unlocking hands with Artemis. Van Helsing began to grovel at the old man's feet.

Artemis rolled his eyes. "What do you want? We're trying to have a duet here."

Van Helsing stopped kissing the wizard's feet for a moment, and looked up tearfully. "OMG! Are you cheating on me with my best friend!" he drifted off, singing something about not being that girl, until he was dog-piled by a crowd of fans shouting "Galinda".

"Anyway," the wizard said, it's not a question of 'what,' it's 'how':"

"I never asked for this  
Or planned it in advance  
I was merely blown here  
By the winds of chance  
I never saw myself  
As a Solomon or Socrates  
I knew who I was:  
One of your dime a dozen  
Mediocrities

Then suddenly I'm here  
Respected - worshipped, even  
Just because the folks in Oz  
Needed someone to believe in  
Does it surprise you  
I got hooked, and all too soon?  
What can I say?  
I got carried away  
And not just by balloon:" Suddenly, he grabbed a cane and top hat and began to dance to a cheesy, jazzy tune:

"Wonderful  
They called me 'Wonderful'  
So I said 'Wonderful' - if you insist  
I will be Wonderful—'  
And they said-"

"Thank you, that's enough," Artemis said. This singing was getting annoying. Dr. Gantus stopped, and put on a look of enragement.

"Fine. If you don't like my singing, then… then… I'll call a wild mob on you!"

And with that, a mob with flaming torches and pitchforks appeared chasing Artemis and Violet around, singing about a witch hunt. In the front a woman was holding the tin can formerly known as Jack- or Boq- or Jaq- whom was leading the rioting song. Unfortunately, the woman dropped the can, and he was dented and crushed by the mob's feet.

"Come on, Violet, we can fly away on my broom!" Artemis ran and grabbed his broom lying on the ground. He started to lift up, and swooped down to get Violet, unfortunately his missed and the back of his broom whacked her in the face. In a puff of green smoke, she turned into a scarecrow. "Whoops," Artemis stared at the mob chasing him, passing by the limp stuffed Violet. "I'll have to be careful about that." Suddenly, he crashed into the little chick with pigtails and shiny red shoes.

"Hey," she said in a thick country accent, "You're gonna be sorry fer that!" and with that, she grabbed a bucket of water and hurled it at him. He began to sizzle.

"Oh, crap," Artemis cursed, "I'm melting. MELTING!"

And with that, Artemis plunged into darkness.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Cliffie! By the way- all of the lyrics and referrals to Wicked and Wizard of Oz belong to Stephen Shwatrz, L. Frank Baum, and a whole bunch of other people too. The only thing in this story that belongs to me is Dr. Gantus. Yay!


	11. Chapter 8

**Author's Note:** Ahoy, readers! I am so excited about the number of reviews I'm getting! I know I've said this before, but I seriously thought this thing would get at most, like, three. Woot! To **Frisky Muffin: **Ew. I hate the black ones. They taste like deodorant. And not the good, nice-smelling kind. Why were you eating the black ones in the first place? To **JohnnyDBabe:** New reviewer! New reviewer! Yay! Thank you very much for your kindness. You are probably one of the only readers who doesn't object to Legolas being a fop. I love that word. Fop. Fop. Fop. To **VagrantCandy: **No more shrubberies? That's too bad. If you are suffering from bare-lawn-itis, you might consider garden gnomes. Although they do have a tendency to get a bit creepy sometimes when you arrange them a certain way and they change their position when your back is turned (shudder); or sometimes they just tend to leave randomly and promote labels like Travelocity (All rights reserved). To **meowbooks:** You'll find he is a whiz of a wiz of ever a wiz there was! If ever oh ever a wiz there was, the Wizard of Oz is one because, because because because because becaaaaaaause… because of the wonderful things he does! (Chord) You're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oooooooooo-pant, gasp- ooooooooooz! To **shadowglove: **I couldn't resist putting another drag reference in there. I even sketched out what they all might look like. Violet looked pretty good. Artemis looked sexy. And Van Helsing… um… I'd rather not talk about this anymore. To **whereartthou:** I'm sorry I confuzzled you. My advice- if you don't have the Wicked soundtrack, I would buy it immediately. Not only does it have great music and you'll understand that chapter better, but… uh… did I say it's awesome music? To **Yazuka Princess:** (sobs) I'll never get this! Can we just pretend he prefers the American junk we have over here and had it flown in? Please? PLEASE! Oh, and I'm glad you liked the Van Helsing/Galinda thing. Like I said before, I couldn't resist. To **Cheorl: **Yah, I was typing, and it just occurred to me, oh my giddy aunt! Tin Can is like Tin Man! And then I got this funny image in my head about a Campbell's soup (again, all rights reserved) can with his lid flapping open singing Boq stuff. Heheh. To **Captain Arianna Trouble: **Tellmetellmetellmetellme!To **URworSTNiGhTMARe:** one word, my friend: randomness. Sheer randomness. Wow. These Author's Notes are getting pretty long. Oh well. Let's get to Chapter 8!

* * *

Chapter Eight

"Artemis, can you hear me?" a voice said from above. Artemis groaned.

"Hey human, you in there?" another voice said in his ear.

"Fowl? Ru-unt? Elphie! Elphie, wake up!"

Artemis clutched his head, and rolled over. "It never ends…" he moaned, curling up in the fetal position. He opened his eyes to find Van Helsing and Legolas staring down at him.

"Hey! He's awake!" Van Helsing grinned, ruffling his hair.

"We worried about you for a minute," Legolas said, looking at his watch, "Okay, maybe a minute and a half-"

"We heard pounding down below the deck for a while, but then it suddenly stopped, and we knew something was wrong," said Violet, who was sitting by his side, dabbing his forehead with a wet cloth.

"And then we heard you singing," Legolas said. "It was only for a little while, though, then you went back into unconsciousness. The singing wasn't that bad," he smiled. "Something about western skies-"

"Where's Dr. Gantus?" Artemis asked quickly. He didn't want Van Helsing to start up again. Strangely, Van Helsing didn't say anything about the Oz-fest. (Another cheesy joke, readers.)

"He's up on deck experimenting with something and seawater. Sparrow's still at the wheel."

"Remind me to never ever try one of his experiments again."

"Don't worry. He's decided that he would rather try his whacked-out concoctions on himself; he feels that you pounding your head against walls will change the effects of the variable ingredients or some scientific blather like that." Van Helsing said, going up top again. Legolas looked to Violet, then Artemis, grinned evilly like he was plotting something, and bounded up behind his monster-assassin companion. Violet stayed, continuing to dab his forehead.

"I don't see why you don't sing more often. When you were unconscious you were very entertaining."

Artemis sat up, holding the damp rag to his head. "I might consider becoming one of those singing monks. The quiet seclusion of the church might save me a lot of embarrassment." Artemis paused, remembering Van Helsing sometimes talk about his funny little assistant who was a friar. He imagined having to tag along with Van Helsing on one of his vampire hunts. It must be excruciating.

Violet laughed. "Cheer up, Artemis. At least you're not emerald anymore," she handed him a piece of glass. He looked at his reflection. His complexion was beginning to turn back to normal. "And don't go beating your head against walls anymore. The next time you might not wake up again."

"I sometimes wonder if that's necessarily a bad thing."

Violet smiled at Artemis. Artemis returned her gaze. They just sat there for a moment, staring at each other. Artemis opened his mouth to speak, but Violet stood up, blushing, and said she had to go. She scuttled up the stairs, closing the door behind her. Artemis sat back, wondering what the bloody heck he had gotten himself into. Violet sat behind the door, wondering the same thing.

* * *

They sailed, and sailed, and sailed some more. Violet gazed at that clear ocean floor till her eyes were sore. Dr. Gantus was sick with his drugs, so he mostly stayed behind the cabin door. Van Helsing had read his brownie book to page three-ninety-four. After a while, Artemis found his sea legs and his health was no longer poor. Legolas had run out of berry lip balm and there was no place to get more, so he resorted to telling dreary lore full of gore about the War… of the Ring. That's when Jack started to snore. Have you noticed that I've rhymed almost every sentence in here with "ore", or am I just being a bore? Anyway, they sailed for a couple of days- tedious days. It was very lucky that they didn't run into any storms, and the wind blew mostly northwest. Altogether, they discovered how dreary sea life can be, as nothing really happened until a few days after when the water turned a little more shallow…

* * *

Jack had let Dr. Gantus sail that night, and had chosen to get some shut-eye. He was almost dead from sailing without rest for days. But it was all right. It made him feel very important to be the captain again- after being just an intoxicated scallywag for a week and a half. Or was it more? It felt like more. He was wondering where his crew and ship was at the moment, when he heard a shriek. He sat up immediately. Violet, of course.

"Dr. Gantus!"

"Monica! Oh, Monica, my love, how I've missed you!" said Gantus, taking hold of violet's waist. Violet pushed him away firmly.

"Dr. Gantus, you are not yourself. And I am certainly not who you think I am-"

"All those years of being alone without my little Scandinavian cutie don't matter any more. What matters is that you're with me now! Come, let's make love on a beach. No, let's make love in the mountains. No! Let's make love in your father's ketchup factory-"

Violet's eyes widened. "I don't want to make love with you! I'm going to ask you one more time to rethink your actions before-"

"Monica, Monica. Don't play coy. You know your darling Ophilius loves you. Now, come here!" he grabbed Violet by the waist, before getting a swift slap in the face, knocking him off balance.

Jack sat up, watching in vague amazement from afar. Legolas had slid down from his post at the mast, running to pull him off. Artemis was quicker. He pushed Violet aside with a horrid snarl on his face like the ones the vampire brides had that day on the mountain. Keeping a firm grasp on Violet, he growled, "Keep your distance, Gantus."

Gantus gasped. "Monica! You have been unfaithful to me with Hans the butcher?"

Violet jerked Artemis aside. "Why are you so blasted protective of me?" she snapped.

"Did you _want_ him to go on like that with you?"

"No! Ew. But I could've handled it myself." She said. Jack took upon this moment to put Dr. Gantus in a headlock, ignoring the fact that the mad scientist was in a different reality. Legolas watched the argument in anticipation.

"It didn't look like you were handling it to me."

Violet stopped, her cheeks growing red. Her lip started to quiver. "You know, I got along just fine without you trying to save me before we got stuck on that island. I've escaped from even crazier people too many times to count. I'm not some helpless damsel who gets herself into trouble on a regular basis. I'm perfectly capable of getting myself out of messes."

"I know that," Artemis snapped.

"Then why-"

"Because I c…" Artemis stopped, stumbling over the word. "Because I c-c-c-c-c-c…"

"Oh, get it out, you ninny!" Legolas said, giving Artemis a sharp kick in the hindquarters.

"_Care_," said Artemis, glaring darkly at the elf, "I care about you, Violet. I can't help but sometimes be a little protective. If… if anything happened to you and I wasn't there to stop it, I… I don't think I could forgive myself." Artemis stared at his shoes.

Violet stared at Artemis, the redness spreading from her cheeks to her whole face. "Oh," she said quietly.

Legolas was grinning from ear to pointy ear, when he noticed something on the horizon from afar. He quickly climbed up the mast in his cool elf way, and peered closer sat what he saw. Van Helsing and Jack had now commenced in holding the kicking Gantus who was randomly shouting Monica, but other than that: silence. Violet and Artemis were both now keenly interested in the floor of the deck.

"Hate to break up the moment, sailors, but I see land!" Legolas shouted joyfully, pointing. "On the starboard side!"

Jack looked around. "My starboard side or your starboard side?"

"Mine, you idiot!"

"No need to insult, I see it. Land ho!" Jack shouted, leaving Gantus and turning the wheel to the rugged line on the horizon. They sailed speedily to the spot of land far away. As they got closer, they could see mountains, and faint little blotches of what appeared to be a village. Legolas used his "elf-vision" which "elves only have, of course, to help them better with battle and hunt, because they are so much more adaptable than humans," to take a good look at the village.

"Pretty decent-looking town. The buildings seemed to be made out of logs and mud and stuff. I see a few people out there. Not doing much. Ooh! One of them has this cute little tunic on that is just adorable-"

"But does it look friendly?" said Jack, irritated.

"Obviously. Let's pop in for a visit and ask for directions, and restock on food and supplies."

"Very well then, ships away! Next stop: uh… unidentified but most likely friendly island!"

They sailed on to where the water got extremely shallow. It was almost so shallow that they came close to running aground. Upon approaching the shore, a small little canoo-like boat approached the boat. It had a big man and several rowers in it. The big man had a very big smile on his face. Legolas grinned nervously back. He had a bad history with happy fat island men.

"Welcome," the man boomed with open arms, "to our island!"


	12. Chapter 8, Part Two

**Author's Note:** Part two of chapter… uh, wait… eight for my fantastic readers! Actually, in reality it is chapter twelve, but… never mind. First things first- reviews! To **Vagrant Candy:** Yes, garden gnomes can be terrifying at some times. But then again, so can mechanical puppets at Disneyland who sing repetitious and frightening songs over and over and over and over… twitch…. To **shadowglove: **Yes… I believe I will make another wardrobe change in this chapter. Yay for tunics! To **Redberry Greenleaf: **Golly, I don't know… I hope not. Ketchup, like corn, is a nice food that goes with almost any meal. But now whenever I eat fries with it I will think of my deranged scientist character wishing to make love with my favorite Baudelaire orphan and it won't be the same. (shudder) To **Captain Arianna Trouble: **COMMANDER ROOT GETS BLOWN UP! Gasp! Now I'm even more confused. And on the experimental drugs- I actually might like to be green for a little bit. Now, all I need is a broom and a superb voice… To **meowbooks: **Yah, I don't like to use lol either. But thank you for the compliment. I am honored. To **Arsinoe Selene: **Ya think that's good? Wait till you read _this _chapter. Fwahaha… To **Cheorl: **There are many things for you to gain when you are proclaimed critically insane. I love to rhyme, don't you? To **JohnnyDBabe: **Right-o. Keep laughing. Laughter is good for the soul. (tries to poke in demon horns) To **Frisky Muffin: **Think about all the lovable yet insane characters there are in this world. Captain Jack Sparrow. Johnny Depp. Dustin Hoffman playing in Rain Man. Tim Burton. The Phantom of the Opera. Michael Jackson. Ew, scratch that, I don't like him. Keep up with your prescriptions. To **whereartthou: **The last few chapters are a mixture of both boat and islands and such. The story and plot is stuck on an island, but the climax and falling action is getting off and returning home. Which reminds me….

Readers, I know we're having fun, but as I will be starting school again in a week the next chapter will probably be the last. I will be very busy and will not be able to update as fast as I'd like to, and I'd feel really guilty all the time and you'd go as crazy as me from all the wait and I don't want to do that to you. Even though being insane is quite exciting at most times. I've been thinking about a sequel or something later, but I don't know. It's up to you all. If you have any suggestions, feel free to shoot. Not with guns, mind you! Anyway, just wanted to let ya know. Okay, part two!

* * *

Chapter Eight, Part Two

A crowd of people were gathering at the shore, staring and whispering. Van Helsing dropped anchor (a large rock). The fat man stepped aboard the ship, causing it to sink about two more feet into the beach.

"I am Tom-Ton Kilani, the chief of this island. I welcome you as not guests but friends to our island. Unless you are one of those obnoxious tourist-realtors that keep coming up to build resorts here-"

At that, the rowers grabbed their spears and held them at the ready, scowling.

"We are not tourists or realtors. We were shipwrecked on an island several days from here, and are on our way home. We wish to stop, rest, and re-supply, and we will be on our way." Jack said in a very calm voice. The fat man nodded to the armed men, who lowered their spears.

"Very well! Stay as long as you like. We are a friendly people, and do not get many visitors as mannered as you."

"Ah, but I see you speak very nice English," observed Dr. Gantus, who had recovered from his… problem.

"That is because we are half-English. Our ancestors come from the Falkland Islands."

"Really?" Artemis asked, "We are trying to get there. Please, how far is it from here?"

"Not a two-days journey. We are east of them. What is your dialect, it sounds similar to ours?"

"Irish. An island northwest to England. Way up in the northern part of the world." Artemis tried not to get too specific. He didn't know if this Tom-Ton Kilani was also civil in the field of geography.

"I know of Great Britain, but I am not as well acquainted with Ireland. No matter. You look plenty British to me," he gave the boy a good slap on the back. Despite Artemis' healthy color, his body frame was still a bit weak, causing him to tumble forward. Tom-Ton Kilani rumbled a deep laugh, holding his jiggling belly. "I like this boy. What did you say your name was?"

"Fowl. Artemis… Fowl." Artemis said, trying to compose himself. "The second," he added. He should get back in the habit of that now that he wasn't stuck on some floating asylum with people who had no idea of his- or his family's- importance and wealth.

Some of the islanders had ventured forward, and had gathered around Legolas. They started stroking his glorious sunshine-colored mane, and poking at his pointy ears.

"A great pardon, my fair lady. We do not get females of such wondrous beauty on our island." Tom-Ton Kilani bowed.

Legolas sighed. He hoped this wasn't another gruesome-obese-gender-confused-mentally-scarring moment. "I'm a man," he said, somewhat regretfully. Tom-Ton Kilani stepped back, choosing to turn to Violet.

"Are _you_ a man too?" he asked, looking her up and down. Violet blushed.

"Why, er… no." she said. Tom-Ton Kilani grinned, and made a low bow to her. "I'm Violet Baudelaire. It's a pleasure to meet you, Chief Kilani." She extended her hand, unsure of if she should curtsy or bow back. The chief took her hand, and kissed it. Violet smiled. It was nice to see people who exercised manners regularly. Strange it would be native islanders.

"I'm Gabriel Van Helsing. We thank you once again for your hospitality." Van Helsing said, bowing. Artemis couldn't help but smirk. Always trying to show off his manliness, in every situation. Quite predictable. The chief bowed back.

"And I am Prince Legolas Greenleaf, son of King Thranduil, heir to the throne of Mirkwood." Said Legolas grandly, and added, "who has bloody good fashion sense too," at this, the crowd of girls around him giggled, leading him off into the island.

"And I'm _Captain _Jack Sparrow, the captain of our… er… ship." It occurred to Jack that they hadn't named the ship. Must think on that.

"I am greatly impressed with your sailing skills. Many that sail here undergo furious storms and horrid weather. It must have been a large bother to get here."

"Um, not rea-"

"Quite a bother," Dr. Gantus smiled, pushing Jack out of the way. "I am Doctor Ophilius Gantus. I've been recently trying to find a cure for a certain fever that has plagued many lands. Tell me, does the shmokydoky berry grow on this paradise?"

The chief turned to an old woman, murmuring some words. "Eele neka fahili shmokydoky?"

The old woman's knobby features slowly twisted into a crooked smile. Jack watched, fascinated. It was like watching one of those kaleidoscopes, only with skin. She said some more words in that other language. The chief threw back his head and laughed, his belly jiggling once more. "Sure enough, we do! It is the berry that we put in our drinks at festivities with alcohol! Sends us quite giddy."

"Really? Do tell!" said Jack and Gantus simultaneously. The chief chuckled, continuing on with the tour. The island was beautiful, much like the island they had been forced on before, only everything seemed brighter, safer. Occasionally people passed by; a woman with a basket on her head, two children chasing a frog. Jack stooped to ruffle the little boy's hair, whilst the girl stopped in her chase to hand Violet a flower. The people of the island had a freshwater canal system, irrigating their crops. Van Helsing suspected British settlers had imported them from their own blessed island. (God Save the Queen!)

"Now, we are preparing a great feast in your honor. The whole village has come to see you. There will be eating, drinking, dancing, and the Great Game of Mystery."

"Ooh! I love games! What's the Great Game of Mystery?" Gantus asked, clapping his hands. Violet stepped a couple feet away, fearing he was having another diverse-reality moment.

"It is an ancient game played by our ancestors. It calls forth the most wise, quick-witted, and clever of our people in a story filled with passion, greed, and murder."

"Sounds awfully thrilling," said Violet, eyes aglow.

"Indeed. It is one of our most prized possessions. But we cannot talk! Already it is half-past noon. Come, you will wash and we will supply you with new clothes. Let our men worry about stocking your boat. It is time for you to relax,"

* * *

When Tom-Ton Kilani said relax, he meant it. If relaxing came in coffee cups sold at Starbucks (all rights reserved), indeed- the chief would have chosen Venti (if you don't drink Starbucks, firstly what is wrong with you, and secondly Venti is the very big cup size). Anyway, the men were led by several giggling girls in tunics to separate huts, where they were given clean, clear water to bathe in. Artemis was very eager to get clean from all the sweat, makeup, green "medicine", and who knows what else on him, and wanted immediately to be left to his privacy. The others, however, were slower to leave the ladies, taking time to show them their nice, manly chests The girls in Jacks hut were fascinated by the wiggling tattoos all over Jack's tanned body, whereas Gantus' was just kind of hairy, so the girls in his tent left, a little disgusted, and went into Van Helsing's hut.

Violet was shown to a little secluded pond where most women came to bathe. The pond was left empty for Violet's use. Violet smiled, shedding her clothes and stepping into the cool, clean water. She liked being treated like royalty, as opposed to a loaded orphan or the only hot breathing female on the premises. On that thought, she checked to see if any peeping Toms were about.

Once Van Helsing was finished with his pleasurable wash, he grabbed some pants and a lightweight shirt sitting folded by the bath. The shirt showed off his admirable muscles. He exited the hut, finding Jack dressed in a similar outfit. His tattoos showed through his shirt as well. There was one tattoo showing through his unbuttoned collar.

"Winona Forever?" Van Helsing asked, reading it.

"I'd rather not talk about it," Jack said, glancing at his chest. Van Helsing shrugged, and the both of them walked on to meet a downcast-looking Gantus. He was wearing an orange tunic-robe over his pants and shirt.

"I heard shrieks of girlish laughter all the way from my hut. You could've kept them a little quieter." He said.

"The girls in my hut left after a while. They didn't shriek." Van Helsing said.

"Neither did mine. They just kind of sighed and poked around at my chest." Jack was grinning evilly.

"Then who-"

Another shriek of girly laughter was coming from a hut nearby. The three men ran to see what the commotion was. They looked inside to see a crowd of girls rubbing oil over a blissful-looking Legolas. Other girls settled to stroking, combing, weaving flowers into and/or braiding his blonde hair. Every now and then Legolas would giggle, saying, "Ooh, that tickles."

"_You?_" Gantus asked incredulously. Jack grabbed Legolas out of the water, threw a towel at him, and pushed him his tunic and pants.

"All right, Mr. Mojo, get out before you get all pruny," Jack grunted, exiting. Legolas shrugged, and donned his tunic. The girls looked rather disappointed.

* * *

They met Tom-Ton Kilani a little later. He led them to a big clearing, where a roaring bonfire was starting. Some men were playing various instruments, while women danced and sang. Artemis joined them, changed from his old, ragged Armani remains into a nice lightweight tunic shirt and pants. They passed around a drink from the shmokydoky berry, and Dr. Gantus started to explain all of his research on it, when Violet appeared. She was looking fresh and radiant; with a light tunic top with sleeves that came off her shoulders and a billowing, long lilac skirt. Her hair was no longer tied up in a damp ribbon, but now it came streaming down her shoulders in a raven wave, framing her smiling face. Artemis looked up at her and felt his stomach tie into knots, then flutter upward until he felt he had a big lump in his throat.

"Why Violet, don't you look like an island plumeria!" Jack smiled. There were no sleazy comments or attempts to get close. Everyone was surprised at this break though in Jack.

"Thank you," Violet said, fiddling with her sleeves.

"And now that you all are here, you must play the Great Game of Mystery!" Tom-Ton Kilani said. The villagers cheered, gathering as something that looked like the Arc of the Covenant was being carried to them. Carefully, two elders opened the arc, and pulled out a rectangular box. Everyone held their breath in anticipation. Not a sound was heard. Legolas craned his neck to take a gander upon the mysterious box, which had painted upon it….

* * *

I think this is a perfectly convenient time to tell you about the brown-throated three-toed sloth. Formally known as **_Bradypus variegates, _**this amazing species of sloth can take on a teal color with its brown, coarse hair in the rainier seasons when algae forms on its skin. **_Bradypus variegatus_** likes to dwell in the middle layers and the tops of trees where it hangs upside down from or sits on branches. They have uncommonly poor eyesight, and have a reputation of being shy, lazy, but nonetheless fascinating creatures. The brown-throated three-toed sloth's diet consists of… oh, all right, I get it. Back to the story….

* * *

Legolas sat back, not amused. "Are you kidding me?" he asked dryly.

Van Helsing looked up. "Clue? That's the Great Game of Mystery? _Clue?_ That's incorrect on so many levels-"

"Hey, who doesn't like to play Clue?" Tom-Ton Kilani shrugged.

"He's got a point, you know."

"Alright, fine. Let's play. But I call Miss Scarlet!" Legolas said, grabbing the red piece.

"No. Violet has to be Miss Scarlet. It just works," Jack said, grabbing the piece and handing it to Violet.

"Ugh. She gets everything. Well, fine. Then I'm Mrs. Peacock." Legolas said, grabbing the blue piece.

"Fine. Then I'm Colonel Mustard." Van Helsing took the yellow and green pieces. "And I think Elphaba should be Mr. Green. It's befitting."

Artemis snatched the green piece from Van Helsing. Dr. Gantus picked up the purple piece. "I think I deserve Professor Plum."

"Good. So that's Ms. Scarlet, Prof. Plum, Col. Mustard, Mr. Green, Mrs. Peacock, which leaves…" Jack paused. "Wait… I'm Mrs. White! Why do I have to be the old maid? She's not sexy at all! That's not fair!"

"Life isn't fair, Captain. Get used to it," Artemis grinned his vampire grin. Jack's smooth brown eyes began to fill with tears and he started to sniff.

"Oh, don't be such a baby," Legolas said, glancing at his nails. "Oh, I hate having a broken nail. Life seems so empty without a clean, polished nail for my wittle pinky."

"If you like, captain, I'll be Mrs. White and you can be Miss Scarlet." Violet offered gently.

Jack sniffed. "But I w-wanted to b-be Mr. Green,"

"Oh, fine. Here, have it, you toddler." Artemis thrust the green piece at Jack and snatched the white piece away. Jack grinned, and clapped his hands.

"Hey! If he gets to switch his piece, I wanna switch too!" Legolas protested. Violet sighed, and handed over her red piece. "Oh, goody! I get Ms. Scarlet! Hooray!" Legolas bounced up and down, stroking the plastic child-hazard.

"Good. Now that you all have your pieces, let the mystery begin!" Tom-Ton Kilani boomed, clapping his hands.

After a while, everyone warmed up to each other and started to enjoy the classic whodunit board game. Jack played his way easily around the board, rolling sixes every time. Artemis suspected he had a hidden pair of loaded dice. After all, he was a pirate. Dr. Gantus had forgotten the rules of the game, and kept on shouting out possible suggestions having to do with the cards he didn't have in his deck. Legolas was a very careful player- he marked things down very subtly when it wasn't his turn. Van Helsing was having the time of his life.

"Six, seven, eight, and ha! Enter the Conservatory and go down to the secret passageway, into the kitchen! Woo-hoo!"

"That doesn't mean anything, Einstein. It's _so_ obvious which cards are in the file. Based on the ratio of my deck, as compared to Gantus' ravings and the number of cards in the pack, the three cards are clearly-"

"For the last time, shut up! Just because you're a super-genius doesn't mean you have to ruin the game for everyone else!" Jack snapped, moving his piece to the Billiard Room. "Roll, Violet."

"Right. That's five. I think I'll go to the Ballroom. Dr. Gantus, your turn."

"Dum dee dum, ah yes! One, two, three, four… and now I'm going to go off on a limb and guess: was it Miss Scarlet, with the candlestick, in the Ballroom?"

Chief Kilani checked the file. "Mmm… no, I'm sorry. That is not correct. You are out."

The crowd groaned in disappointment. Legolas marked off something, and picked up the dice.

"C'mon, sixes. Sixes… sixes… yes! Into the basement I go… and now I'm going to make a guess too: was it Mr. Green, with the revolver, in the Conservatory?"

Tom-Ton Kilani checked again. A wide smile spread across his face. "Why, yes it is! You have correctly guessed all the cards! You are the Champion of Mystery!"

The villagers cheered, picking up Legolas and carrying him over to the bonfire. Kilani laughed at the crowd-surfing elf. "And now, we feast!"

* * *

It was a filling meal. Fresh oranges, mangos, bananas, melons, peaches, and other fruits were served along with corn, squash, cucumbers, and other vegetables. They had a lovely entre of some sort of sloth- Artemis identified it as a **_Bradypus variegatus._**Quite milk mixed with the shmokydoky juice was given to the guests. While Artemis, Violet, and Van Helsing sipped theirs casually, the others were quick to chug theirs down. Soon, Jack and Legolas were back doing their old rendition of "Yo Ho, Yo Ho- A Pirate's Life For Me," again. They twirled around in a dosie-do, before doing a Hobbit-inspired drinking jig. The islanders seemed very amused by this. They laughed and sang along, clapping their hands, and some getting up to dance with them. Dr. Gantus stumbled up, doing a very nice impression of the moonwalk (all rights reserved to that albino pixie with the freaky nose).

"Come on, Violet, let's join in on the fun," Van Helsing grabbed Violet. "You come too, Elphie."

"Thanks, but no thanks," Artemis mumbled.

Van Helsing shrugged. "Suit yourself. But I personally think you're missing out, runt." And with that, he ran into the dancing circle, taking Violet with him. Violet kept looking back, giving a shy smile to Artemis.

"Maybe I am," Artemis said softly, taking a long drink.

After everyone had gotten tired of dancing, they settled down to hear a melodramatic tale of the War of the Ring, involving an inflamed eye in need of Visene, a possessed accessory, wussy short people in desperate need of a pedicure, and a lot of manly warriors off on a bloody, dramatic adventure. Everyone, including the people who had heard it before, listened with interest. Artemis watched Legolas describe some swanky wizard. It seemed that every time Legolas told the story, it seemed different than the one before. Sometimes it was a history, sometimes it was a comedy, sometimes it was a soppy romance, and sometimes it was just random slur. Funny how life worked out like that. He was so involved with the story that he almost didn't notice Violet creep up and sit beside him.

"It gets more and more off base every time he tells it, I'm beginning to wonder how it really happened," she whispered. Artemis cracked a grin.

"Maybe elves are just of that nature. All oral tradition. Way too proud to write it down."

Violet giggled. "By the way," she said slowly, "I never thanked you for standing up for me this morning when Gantus was having a loony moment."

Artemis did not take his eyes off the elf. "You didn't need it. You said it your self. I'll try to keep off next time, if that's what you mean."

"No, no, that's not what I mean at all!" Violet said, leaning more in his direction. Artemis turned his head to look at her. "Well, what I mean is… I really don't mind it."

Artemis raised an eyebrow. A usual trait. "You like the attention, do you?"

"Don't be coy with me. When I say I don't mind it, I mean… well, I mean I don't mind _you_ doing it."

Artemis raised both eyebrows.

"Actually," she smiled, looking down, "I kind of like it. When you do it, that is."

Their fingers touched; a jolt running up and down both of their spines. Artemis shivered. "Well, in that case, I'll be sure to do it…" he looked at her, trailing off. "More… often…."

"Do," Violet said, barely above a whisper, looking back at him. "Do…."

The firelight danced in Artemis' dark eyes, making them look like black opals. Violet's hair was still down, casting shadows across her wide, amethyst eyes. The jolt was still buzzing in Artemis' normally quick-calculating head, but now he felt he had no control over his body as he pushed away a strand of her hair and let his hand rest on her neck below her jaw. They both leaned in unconsciously, their lips pressing against each other's in one slow, electrifying contact. For a split second- Jack, Gantus, drunk Legolas, Van Helsing, Tom-Ton Kilani, the island people, and the rest of the world disappeared. All there was was Artemis, Violet, the fire, and the soft ocean song. But when that second passed, their lips came apart as everyone noticed them and began to whoop, cheer, and whistle. Jack and Van Helsing (having recently decided that Artemis really was the best for Violet, and even though she was a very nice lass, she probably would've been happier with someone around her own age and intellect; besides, they were two men who were certainly well-rounded in the ways of women, and there were plenty of other well-rounded fish in the sea) where whooping and hollering, while Legolas snapped back to his normal, not-intoxicated self. He danced a spirited Elfin jig, before clasping both of their hands.

"Oh, you two adorable humans! I knew this would happen. I knew it! Oh, wait till I tell my fairy friend up in Haven about this. He'll just die! You two are going to be so happy! This calls for more of those shmokydoky drinks! Huzzah!"

The two young people smiled embarrassedly at Legolas, then at each other. Chief Kilani roused the dancing again, while some men tended to the fire, making it grow bigger than ever. The night trailed on happily, even with Gantus sometimes making random references to Monica, ketchup, and peas; and if you looked closely, you could see a boy and a girl enveloped in the shadow of a tree, watching the scene as if from afar, hands intertwined, the girl's head resting on the boy' shoulder. It would never be apparent of the complicated and somewhat depressing pasts of the couple, because now they looked safer and happier than they had ever been. Life has its perks, trails, and failures, but at the same time it has accomplishments, triumphs, and blessings. Funny how it's the blessings that in the end stick out in your memory at the end of it all.

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own Captain Jack Sparrow, Violet Baudelaire, Artemis Fowl, Legolas Greenleaf, Van Helsing,or any of the characters related to their stories. I do not own Starbucks, I do not own the moonwalk, I do not own the Falkland Islands,I do not own Wicked/Wizard of Ozor any of the lyrics or characters, and I do not own the game of **Clue**, even though I think it is a bloody cool game. All rights are reserved to their owners or companies. **However, **I _do_ own Dr. Ophilius Gantus, Chief Tom-Ton Kilani, and the nonexistent shmokydoky berry.


	13. Chapter 9: Going Home

**Author's Note:** Well, I was thinking today (hard to believe, right?) about Wicked, and its characters, when I noticed Van Helsing and Galinda have the same number of syllables! Not only that, but they kinda sound the same too. Say it: Ga-LIN-da, Van HEL-sing. And then I tried it out on the other characters. AR-te-mis, EL-pha-ba. Jack, Boq. NESSa-ROSE, LEG-o-LAS. WIZ-ard-OF-Oz, DOC-tor-GAN-tus. FI-ye-ro, VI-o-let. Well, on that one it depends on how you pronounce it. But other than that, isn't that scary? Dude. I need to stop freaking myself out like this. On to reviews!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Captain Jack Sparrow, Legolas Greenleaf, Violet Baudelaire, Artemis Fowl, Van Helsing, Harry Potter, or any of the characters related to these characters. I do not own any of the lyrics in this story, mainly Wicked lyrics, or any of the characters mentioned from Wicked or Wizard of Oz. I don't own any Grease lyrics either. All rights are reserved to any brand names such as Starbuck and Vogue to their brand name… uh… owners. I do not own the Falkland Islands, and if I did, well, then, I'd be bloody loaded, wouldn't I? I do, however, own Dr. Gantus and Tom-Ton Kilani. They are mine, MINE! Ahaha… oh yeah, and the mythical shmokydoky berry. I guess that's mine too.

To **Vagrant Candy:** I know, I'll miss you guys too! I'm glad you liked the kiss! Very fluffy. Fluff is MAGICAL! By the way, thank you for reviewing my other story. I appreciate your advice. To **Arsinoe Selene:** Tom-Ton Kilani was the only island name I could think of. And besides, Hawaiians rock! They wear plumerias... plumerias rock too! And on the Starbucks thing, coffee is only 1/3 of what they sell. They also sell teas, hot chocolate, the occasional eggnog, apple cider, iced tea, a bunch of pastries and brownies and junk, and Frappuccinos (thank you, God, for those wonderful drinks) which are kind of like smoothies, and about half of them have coffee. Please, take my advice, go there sometime. It will be your second home. The "juggling" thing sounds pretty funny. I might add it in here. Hope ya don't mind! To **shadowglove: **Hmmm… I hadn't thought about that much. Ah, Klaus. Poor thing. But he won't ruin the magical fluff I have created for my two favorite smart people. YOU CANNOT HURT THE FLUFF! THE FLUFF WILL OVERPOWER YOU! Ahem… sorry. To **Frisky Muffin:** Good girl. Just keep on poppin' 'dem candies. Just not the black ones. I've never had a Venti. But someday, when I do something extraordinarily wonderful, I will reward myself with a Venti Frappuccino or Chai or something. TA-ZO! Wat-wat! To **wherearthou:** Jack and Van Helsing are both very, VERY hot men who have had their fair share of girls. Really, they just had an exciting scene in huts with several island beauties. Maybe seeing Violet so happy with him gives them a sense of happiness. Besides, everyone has been stuck together for so long they've all kind of grown on each other. Anyway, not acting in a jealous manner demonstrates their _true_ maturity. After all, it's not how many hairs on your chest or your chin that makes you a man. What separates the boys from the men is how you act in challenging situations and how you learn from them. Dude. That was quite poetic. To **Redberry Greenleaf: **Corn is niiice… ok, well- in the 80s, when Johnny Depp was into all that weird druggy stuff, he was an item with that spoiled brat Winona Rider. He has an almost infamous tattoo on his arm or somewhere saying "Winona Forever", but I think he might've changed it to Wyoming Forever or removed it or something. Anyway, I thought I might want to put that in there. And also when he was younger Johnny Depp was in a movie called "Benny and Joon," which not many people have seen, where he is in a conversation with his lover-girl with mental problems about how the California Raisins are sick because the people make them sing and dance and really all they are are humiliated grapes. Funny movie. Nothing on eunuchs, though. To **Captain Arianna Trouble:** I'm afraid I can't drop out. I'm working for several college degrees and it would interfere with my "high school plan for the future". Um, yeah. But maybe I could work on a completely random sequel or something, I haven't figured that out yet. THAT'S WHY YOU NEED TO GIVE ME SUGGESTIONS, PEOPLE! Eventually I shall read the fourth book of our beloved Irish super-genius, though. To **Yazuka Princess: **I am aware that he changed it, but it wouldn't be funny if it was Wino or whatever. But I did do my homework in this next chapter on Irish cities and tourist spots. Thank you for all your helpful corrections and patience:) To **Cheorl: **I'm glad you liked it. I hope you luv the finale, and thank you for your imaginative sequel suggestion. Seriously, I have no idea when I'd get around to it, but I'd love to write it. Fwahaha… insane thoughts are a-brewing in my twisted head already… To **meowbooks: **Clue is an awesome game, if not a little morbid. Play it sometime with your close friends, (with Legolas' tactics,) and be sure to call Miss Scarlet as your player! Luv ya!

Okay, here it is… the last chapter. It's a long one. I want to give an enormous thanks to all of my loverly, faithful reviewers who've helped me along this random, twisted journey, and have not failed to remind me that I am, unsurprisingly, insane. I love you all. You were the light of my summer. Without your encouragement, my old writing skills would've gathered dust and gone all rusty-like. Tragic. For you author-readers, be sure to update your stories, for I WILL be watching you. Twitch… twitch… okay, enough dramatics. Let's end this thing with a bang!

* * *

Ch. 9- the Final Bow 

It was a clear, breezy morning when Jack woke from slumber. He was surprised he didn't have a hangover from all that coconut-shmokydoky juice he drank last night. Maybe it didn't have the depressing aftereffects of rum and whiskey and all that rot. Wonderful. He must remember to get some of that before they shipped off. He sat up from his little bed in his hut, and slapped water all over his face to wake him up. He remembered drinking a lot of that wonderful juice, and feeling very light and happy. So happy that he felt the urge to get up and do a wonderful two-person version of "Oklahoma!" It went surprisingly well, and soon that wonderful crowd of dancing, singing, drinking village people got up and did the Texas two-step all around the bonfire. Jack wondered why there wasn't an Oklahoma two-step in the musical, so in the end he just wound up twirling and whirling so hard that he fell over into a deep, peaceful sleep. The Village People must've carried him there, for he vaguely remembered them still dancing and singing about young men and the YMCA. Lord, he had weird dreams. Jack exited the hut and went to find Van Helsing, who was overseeing the people loading up the boat.

"Can we get a load of that shmokally...dockidy… whatever stuff for the trip?" he asked, looking at one man carry a basket full of fruits and vegetables on board.

"Perhaps. But the boat can't carry too much more."

Jack sighed. Legolas appeared with a cup of hot liquid in his hand. "What's that?" Jack asked. Legolas looked out to the sea; he appeared to be in his own world. Jack took advantage of this moment and whacked the elf across the head. Legolas snapped back to attention.

"Huh? Did you say something?" he asked groggily, sipping whatever was in the cup.

"I said what are you drinking?" said Jack, enunciating his words as best he could, since they were mainly always slurred.

"Oh. Some sort of tea made from the leaves of that berry and some other herb and stuff. With a hint of chai, I suspect."

"Chai? Oh, I love chai. Do you mid if I have a sip?" Van Helsing asked. Legolas handed the cup over. Van Helsing took a sip, a smiled. "Ah, it reminds me of sunny days up in the mountains when the wildflowers are in bloom and the hummingbirds…" he stopped. Jack was staring horrified at him. "Er, the hummingbirds are fat for killing and the smell of blood is in the air and I'm cleaning my weapons. Yeah."

Jack nodded. Legolas made a cat-like leap to the deck to assist some men carrying a box of his new au-natural beauty care products. It was then that Artemis joined the with a similar cup of steamy liquid.

"Morning, crew." He said. He was trying to cut back on the urges to say, "idiots," or "blockheads," so he said something manly instead. The men nodded. "Has anyone seen Violet?"

Jack's eyes brightened. He loved this time of the morning when the Irishman was ripe for teasing. "Ah, I forgot! How was your rendezvous with the little Miss Baudelaire?"

"That's none of your business," Artemis said, looking on at Legolas babying his lips with new moisturizer.

"Oh, come on, mate! Don't be a stick in the mud! At least tell us all the romantic details!"

He said something other than romantic, but I decided to change it because I don't want to increase the rating to M at this point. (Jack: stupid… rrkm… shmkm… ratings…)

Artemis rolled his eyes and his upper lip started to curl in disgust. "Ugh. You ruin all ideals of romance, you know that?"

Jack grinned proudly. "Yes. Yes I do."

"Hey!" said Legolas, jumping down. "This is just like a scene from Grease!" he slicked back his hair, curled a strand in the front, and pulled up his collar, snapping. "Summer lovin', had me a blaaaast-"

"Summer lovin', happened so faaaast," Van Helsing said, snapping.

"Met a girl," Artemis sang. "Crazy for meeeeee,"

"Met a guy, cute as can be," Jack flounced into Van Helsing's arms, in which he started swinging him back and forth. "Summer days, driftin' away- to-o uh-oh those su-u-mmer nights,"

"A wella wella wella whoop-"

They all stopped. Standing behind them was Violet, arms crossed, eyebrow raised. All the men commenced in punching each other's shoulders, trying to redeem themselves of their manliness, in the end just throwing their scapegoat elf into the clear blue ocean.

Legolas sat in the banks of shallow water. "Hey look, a sand dollar!"

"Up early, we are," Tom-Ton Kilani said, handing Violet a cup of tea and sipping his own, "Ready to continue the journey, are we?"

Jack did not ask the chief if talking like Master Jedi Yoda was a normal morning routine. He simply said, "Yes."

"Although if it were any other circumstance, we would gladly stay longer," Dr. Gantus said, looking freshly-shaved. Indeed, for he still had streaks of shaving cream on his face.

"Where'd you get the shaving cream?" Legolas said, indicating to Gantus of the streaks. He wiped them off casually.

"Why, do you want some to shave your legs?" Jack grinned evilly. Legolas gave him a blank look that said, 'don't you?'

"Very well then, when my men are finished packing, we will all see you off. I trust you had a good rest?" he gave a look to Artemis and Violet, who both gained a little more color. Gantus didn't notice.

"Well, I think it would've been a lot nicer if all your island females weren't making a ruckus in that elf's cabin."

"That's too bad. Why don't we all have some breakfast and then we'll give you some maps."

They had a lovely little breakfast of fruits and tea and little scone-like things that 'they kept for special guests'. But Artemis remembered that he said they never have guests, so that means they're pretty old. But they tasted all right. After breakfast and a charming conversation about politics in Belgium, they headed out to the boat. Tom-Ton Kilani was explaining the maps to Jack. Artemis walked alongside Violet, and after a while said, "Good morning."

"It is, isn't it?"

"Quite. Did you have a nice sleep?"

"Yes. My hut was quite lovely. I think the mattresses are those Swedish sleep-system kinds developed by scientists, because I just drifted right off. How was yours?"

"Good. Except for all that ruckus in Legolas' hut. Can't overlook the ruckus."

Violet smiled. "Oh, yes. Who could forget the ruckus?"

Artemis grinned. "It's almost infamous, isn't it, the Ruckus?" and after a period of silence, he said, "But seriously, what do you think they did in there?"

"Not much. I don't think he's that sort of a chap."

"Really?"

"Really."

They watched Legolas pick a bunch of island flowers and string them into a necklace. "I never would have guessed," Artemis said quietly, and they both laughed.

* * *

The whole island came out to say goodbye to the six odd travelers. All the island girls kissed Van Helsing and Jack on the cheek, but when Legolas came around they clung to him, weeping. No one paid any attention to Gantus, except the wrinkly old medicine woman, who gave a wink to the downtrodden scientist. Village mothers and elders gave the six some of their own personalized gifts: blankets, hugs, blessings, teabags, snow globes, flowers, and other things. Finally, when they came to Chief Tom-Ton Kilani, he gathered them up in his arms and crushed them all in a big bear hug. Various cracking and popping noises could be heard. He ruffled Artemis' hair, and kissed Violet's hand, saying, "Take care of that Irish lad. And don't forget to visit!" 

And with that, they hoisted the anchor, and shoved off, leaving the waving islanders and the simple paradise behind them.

* * *

The day was sort of calm after that. Everyone went about doing his or her own business, occasionally coming together to talk or something. Van Helsing and Gantus sat chatting about monsters and damsels in distress, while Legolas sat at the bowsprit, letting the wind play with his hair so it looked like a big blonde flag. Jack stood at the wheel, singing pirate-y songs about jugs of rum, the open seas, and bar maids with very big… jugs of rum. Artemis and Violet sat laying a very crude game of checkers that one of the elders had carved. Artemis had grown keenly interested in Violet's siblings. 

"Klaus is a big help in the research field. He reads anything and everything he can get his hands on, and he remembers every little bit of it. Very useful when villains are trying to attack you legally, meaning they try to bend the law very discreetly to get you. But Klaus is too smart for that. And then there's Sunny, the little dear. She has to be one of the most agreeable children I've ever seen. She never threw fits as a baby, and developed a very intelligent mind at an early age. Of course, that was because we were always on our toes running-"

"From villains," Artemis said, "King me."

"Exactly. Sunny's teeth are the interesting thing. When she started teething, it was very abnormal. They would come out sharp as knives. Sometimes there would be bleeding, but her gums have toughened up. She loves to bite things. Anything hard. She's also an excellent cook with fine tastes. Her speech and thinking patterns are also more developed than normal children. King me."

"Well, with two older brilliant siblings, it's no wonder," Artemis said, looking over the boards for a tactical move. "I never had any other siblings. My mother couldn't take it. And when my father disappeared, all hopes of another Fowl descending were dashed. And when I rescued him with the help of, well, that's a long story, but anyway when he came back she was at her expiration date. I've always just had my bodyguard, Butler, as a friend."

"He's your butler, or his name is Butler?"

"His name."

"How odd! Is it Polish or something?"

"I don't know."

"King me. You don't have to play easy with me, you know. I don't mind losing."

"I'm not playing easy! And I'm not losing. I'm just… distracted. It's because we keep on talking like this. I can't concentrate on the game." Artemis protested, giving a resemblance of a child. Violet smiled. "So… what ever happened to all if those villains?"

Violet shrugged. "Their age caught up with them, I guess. They were pretty old people. Didn't take very good care of themselves in the first place. Anyway, they just kind of stopped appearing after a while. Soon it got to be that we were in a state of a sort of safety. But we were framed as criminals, so we've never had the chance to get away. That is, we were planning to until I got stuck on that island…" she drifted off, reminding herself of her sibling's possible danger, which made her gloomy again.

"You should go to Great Britain or somewhere around there. To get a house, I mean. Those Yanks over in America price their houses too high. Especially in California. And I'm a millionaire and I say this. Actually," he paused, "one of the Fowl's many summer houses is in North Ireland, by Belfast. We hardly ever use it." He paused. "Maybe… maybe my father would put it up for sale, or… something."

Violet brightened. "I've never been to Ireland."

"You'd like it. Very friendly. Very green. Lots of rocks, too. I think Sunny might enjoy it."

Violet smiled. "I think she would." Artemis skipped over a couple pieces, kinging himself. After a couple moves, Violet said slowly, "And, um, maybe you could come to… you know-"

"Collect taxes?" Artemis suggested randomly.

"No… visit. You should come to visit." Violet said. Artemis looked up and smiled. They were about to have another magical fluffy moment when Legolas bounced in.

"Oh, you humans! You simply _must_ keep in touch with me after this! And if you have any babies, I expect the firstborn to be named after me. I don't mind if it's a boy or a girl. Or maybe if it's a girl you should name her Legolasina or Legolassie. Lassie for short. No, I don't like that. Just stick with Legolas. It will be Legolas, Jack, and Gabby."

Van Helsing looked up. "Gabby?"

"Well you said your name was Gabriel Van Helsing, didn't you? And the third is so obviously going to be a girl, so it will be Gabby Fowl. That kind of sounds like a duck, doesn't it? Oh well. Then there will be Artemis, who will be a girl, and Violet, who will also be a girl."

"What about me?" Gantus asked. "I get left out of everything!"

"Oh, you can be the crazy godfather who spoils the children and lets them drive at the age of 12." Legolas waved him off. But Gantus wasn't satisfied.

"No! I want a son named after me!" he began to throw a tantrum.

"Alright, fine. Don't wet yourself. The youngest will be Ophilius, because naming a boy Gantus is stupid. You'll call him Oafie for short, because he'll be a bit of an oaf, a special child, the black sheep in the family, just like the man he was named after." And with that, he started to taunt Gantus by calling, 'Monicaaaa…' very softly and watching the poor old man twitch.

"And then there will be two twin girls," said Van Helsing clapping his hands, "Elphaba and Galinda!"

"Oh, of course. So that's Legolas, Jack, Gabby, Artemis, Violet, Oafie, and Elphaba and Galinda." He counted them off on his fingers. "That makes eight. Don't worry, Violet, you've got child-bearing hips."

Artemis and Violet went from beet red to deadly pale. More pale than Artemis' usual paleness. Which was pretty pale. The magical fluffy moment was gone, and they moved away to separate corners of the ship; Gantus being in the third, rocking back and forth in the fetal position.

* * *

"Well, mates, this will be our last night together," Jack said, taking a swig of the shmokydoky-coconut juice. 

"It's hard to believe we've been together for so long," Violet said.

"Without going mad," Artemis finished.

"I resent that comment!" Gantus called, getting up from his corner.

"I say we all drink ourselves silly, and have one more night of singing, slurring, and bad war stories!"

"Sounds good to me, drinking buddy!" Legolas said, grabbing a bottle of juice and starting to chug. Within a half hour, Legolas and Jack were doing a dosie-do, slurring "Yo Ho Yo Ho a Pirate's Life for Me"; Van Helsing was laughing uncontrollably. Gantus started having Monica delusions again, but everyone was kind of ignoring him now. Artemis took good care to make sure Gantus doesn't come too close to Violet, and finally Violet just looped her arms around him and kissed him dreamily. Artemis didn't know if she had consumed some of the simulated alcohol herself or if being up this late made her very affectionate. He didn't care. After a few moments of fluffiness, they decided to join in the muddled pirate song and dance, twirling around and joining arms with the other two. Van Helsing grabbed Dr. Gantus and hurled himself in, until they were just a mass of happy dancing people on a ship. Once they were all out of breath, they plopped on the floor, falling into a peaceful panting sleep.

* * *

Legolas was the first to wake that morning. After getting ready, washing up, putting on his makeup, brushing his hair, taking his tea, and giving him self the usual 'you're beautiful, be proud,' pep talk, he had been watching the horizon for the first spot of land. Not much. Tom-Ton Kilani had said only two days, but he was looking a little _too_ happy. What if he was lying? What if it was all a show? What if he was leading them into the abyss of the seas? Stupid humans. They think they're so smart. He had a mind to turn the boat around right now, but he didn't, for his thoughts were interrupted by Jack. 

"Thinking in a vengeful, irrational, and slightly prejudiced mentality this morning, are we? Not a very good way to start off the day."

"How did you know?"

"Mate, you're facial expressions are easier to tell than one of those "How Are You Feeling Today?" posters."

"He said a two-day's journey."

"Which means we'll be sailing for another day. If the wind picks up, we could arrive there by six."

Legolas sighed. "I'm tired of all this sailing! First I sailed all over creation with that hungry dwarf, then we encountered dreary days sailing from the island, and now I'm really about to go mad!" he cried.

"Don't pull your pretty hair out now," Jack said.

Legolas shuddered. "Don't _say_ things like that!"

Everyone else slept in late that morning. They slept in till about 11:45 a.m., (I don't know if that's late for you, readers, but it's way late for me. So there.) and nothing really happened after that, except Jack and Van Helsing playing a rather pointless game of flexing their pectorals at one another, which they called "juggling"; so I'm going to skip ahead to when they docked at the Falkland Islands.

* * *

"We're here," Violet said. "We made it!" 

"Finally," Legolas said, "Civilization!"

They paused for a moment, sucking in the joy. Still, there was much to be done. A family walking by stared at the group, staring at the town before them. A bellboy from a hotel nearby walked up to them and said, "May I help you, sirs and lady?"

"Yes," Artemis replied in his usual sniffy tone. "Do you know where a telephone might be of service? I don't believe I have any money on me right now-"

"That's fine, sir. You can use one in the reception hall over in the hotel."

"Wonderful. Thank you. I would tip you for your trouble. You all go unload the boat for whatever you might need to take with you. I'll see to the rest."

The young millionaire followed the bellboy into the hotel, where he dialed several long numbers, waiting for the ring.

"Ah, yes. Fowl residence, please. Yes. No. Yes, the very big Irish house. Yes, I do know of the security. No, I'm not a terrorist, and if I was, well then, I wouldn't tell you would I? Just tell them that Artemis wants to talk to Butler." He paused. "Butler? Good to talk to you, old man! No, I'm not in danger. Yes, I'm all right. No…yes… yes… for Haven's sake, man, I'm a super genius, not a toddler! Yes. I need you to bring the fastest jet you can over to the Falkland Islands. Southwest of South America. I'll tell you when you get here. Good. That's very flattering, but you can tell the troops to stop searching now, I'm fine. No. Speaking of searching, I need you to do a location search of a two children. Well, one's almost sixteen. Baudelaire. Yes, them. Can you do it? Right. Yes. See you when you get here." And with that, he hung up.

Artemis thanked the clerk and stepped outside of the hotel to find the other five holding various things from the boat. The boat was all tied up.

"We haven't named the boat," Jack called.

"What should we name it?" Artemis said, approaching.

"How about something with all of our names in it?" Gantus suggested.

"Or the S.S. Shmokydoky?" Jack said, "Or the S.S. Chastity? I've always wanted to name a ship that." Everyone gave him a long stare.

"No, it has to be something that relates to our adventures," Violet said.

"How about the S.S. Friendship?" Legolas said happily. Van Helsing smacked him.

"No," Artemis grinned wolfishly at Van Helsing, "The_ Elphaba_."

Van Helsing grinned back. "Yes. The _Elphaba_."

Everyone liked the name, so they cracked a bottle of shmokydoky against it and christened the little ship after the singing green witch. They stood there for a moment, looking at it, then Legolas said, "Well I'm bored."

"What do we do now?"

"Let's go eat out!" Jack said happily.

"We don't have any money,"

"That's okay, we can sell some of this shmokydoky juice." Jack said, holding up a couple bottles. "I saved a lot for myself, Gantus to study, and these few we can hock for loot!"

"Okay, let's go!"

Nobody could stand anymore seafood, so they decided to go out for hamburgers. Jack ordered a thick Angus cheeseburger, Van Helsing ordered a meaty thick angus/bacon burger with the works, Gantus decided on getting a southwestern burger, Violet ordered a little single cheeseburger, and Legolas ordered a veggie burger. Artemis didn't order a burger, saying he'd rather die than eat one of those heart attacks on a bun, but he eventually gave into some fries and shared Violet's chocolate shake. The six talked happily about someday building flagships called _Galinda, Fiyero, the Wizard, _and two little ships called the_ Boq _and _Nessarose._ Then they'd have their won fleet. When they were finished, they went back to the boat to see a jet speeding above the water along the horizon. It slowed at sight of them, and landed presently by the dock. Out stepped a huge man with a shaved head and several shiny weapons, behind him stepped a young man with glasses, holding a blonde curly-haired child.

* * *

Violet's eyes widened. Her mouth dropped open. She stood there, helpless, for a moment, before bursting into tears and rushing into her siblings arms. They all stood there, crying, smiling, talking, hugging- it was very sweet. It was so heart-wrenching that Legolas burst into hysterical tears, crumpling to the ground and beating his head on the stone. Gantus kind of stared at him. 

"Oh my God, I'm so happy to see you!" Violet cried, hugging her brother.

"What happened to you?" he asked, "First you were there, and the next morning we couldn't find you! What happened?"

"It's a long story. I'll tell you later." Violet said, giving her sister a kiss and standing up to face Artemis. He was smiling. "You did this?" he nodded. Violet buried her head in his chest, looping her arms around him and whispering, "Thank you. So much."

Artemis patted her on the back. It felt bloody good to be the hero.

"A week had passed and we had almost given up hope when all of a sudden this jet comes down and we were told our sister was found. We were so ecstatic, we almost died on the way there. Quite exhilarating." The brother said. "I didn't thank you for your kindness, Mr.…?"

"Fowl. Artemis Fowl." Artemis replied. "The second."

"I read about you," he said, "your security in the infamous Fowl Manor is almost greater than the Pentagon's. Very impressive. Klaus Baudelaire, by the way."

"Thank you, likewise. I've heard you're quite the researching genius yourself." Artemis shook his hand.

"Did you?" Klaus raised an eyebrow at Violet. Violet pretended not to notice.

Artemis squatted down to the little sister's level. "And you must be Sunny."

Sunny extended her hand expectantly. Artemis smiled, took it, and shook it. "It's a lovely honor to meet you, Mr. Fowl," she said in a little girl's voice. She was charming.

Violet began to talk with her siblings. Artemis walked over to Butler, commencing in one of those manly slap-on-the-back-hugs. "It's bloody good to see you, old man!" he said, smiling.

Butler looked him up and down. No doubt he had lost his usual snobbery, and gained what he could see as normal human manners and… feelings? Artemis has also changed in the physical area. He was no longer a deadly pale, but now a fleshy, peach glow resided in his skin. He wasn't too scrawny anymore, either. Yes, Artemis had changed, and from what Butler could see, for the better. Butler didn't know it, but they had all changed. And now, as most friendships go, it was time for them to head on to new adventures.

* * *

"So, you and Gantus are staying here then?" 

"Yes," Van Helsing replied, "We're going to do a bit of research in South America. They say there's some sort of cat-person there and I'd like to look into it. Dr. Gantus can help me."

Gantus nodded. "A good place to put my cure for that fever to work as well."

Artemis smiled and nodded, but secretly he prayed for the people who would be taking in that stuff. After the green seasickness concoction, he wouldn't want to take any chances.

"And what about you, Jack?"

"I'm gonna restock, and head up with the _Elphaba_ to the Caribbean. I think I know where I can find me old crew."

"What about you, Legolas?"

"I'm going with Jack. I'm heading up to New York after that. Maybe I'll audition for Galinda in Wicked or something."

"Good. Well, I guess this is good-bye."

They stood in a circle, saying their won goodbyes to one another. Jack gave Violet a kiss on the forehead, saying, "You take care of yourself, lass." And Violet replied, "Likewise." Van Helsing also came up, hugging her and saying, "If that Irish lad ever turns vampire, you'll let me know," and turning to Artemis, said, "Watch out for those fairies, Elphie." And he replied, "Take care of yourself, Galinda." Jack and Van Helsing commenced in manly hugs, while Legolas and Violet hugged and had a brief, girly chat. Legolas turned to Artemis and said, "Oh, you humans. You can be so adorable." And hugged him.

"Alright then, I guess we should be shipping off. Maybe we'll meet again someday." Jack said, turning to the boat.

"Definitely," Van Helsing called.

"Definitely," Violet and Artemis said simultaneously.

And with that, the six went their separate ways, into the fresh, welcoming world. Would they see each other again? That, my dear readers, is a question that only time and God knew the answer to for now.

* * *

The Baudelaires did wind up buying the house in Ireland. It was a nice place, not too big, but airy and bright overlooking a lake. The whole area itself was perfect for inventing, researching, and cooking- the town nearby filled with museums, libraries, and nice little markets with all sorts of foods and recipes. Occasionally, they would ride down to the majestic Fowl manor to visit their _close_ family friend. The Fowl family in general was very kind to the orphaned millionaires, especially Mrs. Fowl. When Violet and her siblings came home with her beloved son, first Mrs. Fowl threw her skinny arms about Artemis and kissed him all over, cooing all sorts of ridiculous names like "Arty-warty-smarty-barty lovey-kins" which made the poor young man turn several colors of red, white, blue, and a little green. When she had satisfied her motherly affection needs, she paid her attentions to her son's new friends. When Mrs. Fowl learned her son was actually _interested_ in girls in the first place, she took off her reading glasses and smiled. When she met the polite, agreeable Miss Baudelaire; she took the young lady's hand in hers and said, 'how do you do'. But when she learned she was an heiress, now claimer, or an enormous family fortune- the middle-aged, makeup-ed woman threw her hands up and praised St. Peter and everything holy for this lucky day, popping open a bottle of pink champagne. Mr. Fowl was a little more discreet in his happiness, to the Baudelaire's relief. Sunny got the pleasure of chewing on a nice carrot.

* * *

Captain Jack Sparrow sailed in to the rowdy island of Tortuga late one cool summer night. Filled with bawdy taverns, drunken fights, and dubious young women with rouge-painted lips, this was Jack's comfort zone, other than the sea. He cat-walked straight to the roughest, toughest tavern their was: the Ugly Mother-in-Law was its name, matching its reputation for being rather dangerous. He walked casually into the back booth, nodding to the familiar faces and dodging various hits from tavern girls. He stopped, and listened to a conversation from a scrappy-looking group of people. 

"I say we go an' look for 'im."

"Scrawk! Thar she blows!"

"Cotton's right. We can' forget th' pirate's code. 'Oo-ever falls be'ind, gets left be'ind."

"We've bent that rule before, besides, that code is more thought of as-"

"Guidelines." Everyone finished.

"I think we should just stay here an' enjoy ano'er keg."

"Or we could shave your --- and braid it into a rope to hang ya,"

"That's a little crude, don' ya think?"

"I'm a pirate. I can say wha'ever I like."

"Gettin' back to the point-"

"All in favor of staying 'ere and enjoying a keg say aye,"

"Now," Jack said, approaching with a keg of rum, "You bunch of no-good back-stabbing scallywags wouldn't be talking about me, would ye?"

Everyone turned around, mouths open, to stare at the smirking captain. "Jack!" a woman known as Annamaria cried, rushing to him. "We thought ye was still on tha' island!"

"Well, I got meself off. I _am_ a seaman, you know."

"We were jus' talkin'-"

"About shaving certain impolite areas and making ropes, I heard." He replied. "Lord, you've lost your manners while I was away!"

"Squawk! Fire on the starboard side!"

"Yeah, I don't know what those are either."

Jack sighed, shaking his head. It was good to be back.

"Jack, we're… we're sorry. We turned ya in to tha' island only for a bit o' fun, but they told us they would bring you right back after a while. We didn't-"

"I forgive ye, on one condition." Jack said, "I get me boat back, and you buy me a keg of the strongest spirit in this ruddy town."

A cheer followed, and everyone rushed to the bar. Jack nodded, grinning his usual wily pirate grin. Yup, it was very good to be back.

* * *

A pointy-eared man walked into the headquarters building of Vogue. He had white-blonde hair slicked back in a long, straight ponytail, cascading down the back of his pinstripe navy suit. Navy suited him. He had a posh look on his face, ignoring the staring receptionists, interns, and fashion editors. He had style. He carried nothing but a sleek, black leather briefcase, pounding by his tall leg. He didn't ask for directions or an appointment when he exited the elevator on the top floor of the building, heading straight for the Big Office. He knew this place well, no doubt of that. No one said a word while he strolled to the opaque door of the office. He kept his clear blue eyes on the prize. Only the ringing of telephones and beeping of computers could be heard, and even they stopped for a moment as the short _click_ of the door shut. 

"Good morning, Veronica," said Legolas, sitting down in a pricey stylish chair. A pointy-eared lady with jet-black hair turned around in a giant V-shaped leather chair.

"Long time no see, Legolas." She replied, words as smooth as velvet. "What brings you to little old New York?"

"Well, I've recently been on a vacation to the tropics, you see, and I have some brilliant new ideas." Legolas said, placing the briefcase on the polished deck.

"Oh?" Veronica said, penciled eyebrow rising. "I'm always eager to hear your ideas, Legolas. They're always so juicy and original as compared to what those human underlings think. Shoot."

"Island Paradise," he said, opening the briefcase to find a lightweight tunic, several natural powders and a berry lip-gloss, and other nice-smelling accessories. "It will be all the rage this summer. Lightweight, durable, and almost entirely au-natural, the new line for this season will be irresistible to even people in the coldest climates, because they look so cute on all the tanned, lei-wearing models. I'll let you cover the advertising, because that's what you do best, Ronnie."

A thin smile spread over Veronica's plump, red lips. "I like it." She said. "I like it a lot."

Legolas tried to keep from doing a smug victory dance. Life was going very well for the beloved, new business elf. And, in a sudden attack of optimism, he knew it was going to get much better.

* * *

If you don't have the Wicked soundtrack, go out and buy it NOW, and start playing "For Good", or this will not have the same effect as it's supposed to have on you. Thankies.

* * *

Gantus and Van Helsing had been studying in the jungle for a few weeks now. Gantus was inside, writing down some information to put in his notes, talking to himself. Van Helsing sat outside, cleaning his weapons, sipping some tea. The tea and weapons brought up fond memories of shmokydoky, island nights, chasing down Irish boys attempting a homicide, battling vampires atop a mountain, and singing repetitious pirate songs. At the thought of this, a piano appeared out of nowhere, and Gantus sat down, and started to play a detailed accompaniment to a familiar song. A limelight appeared on Van Helsing. 

_"I've heard it said  
that people come into our lives for a reason  
bringing soemthign we must learn  
and we are led  
by those who help us most to grow  
if we let them  
and we help them in return._

_Well, I don't know if I believe that's true  
but I know I'm who I am today  
Because I knew you..."_

Way up in New York, Legolas sipped a Tazo Chai Latte, when a limelight appeared on him.

_"Like a comet pulled from orbit  
as it passes a sun_

_like a stream that meets a boulder  
halfway through the wood  
who can say if I've been changed for the better?  
But, because I knew you  
I have been changed for good …"_

Back in Ireland, Violet and Artemis sat enjoying a sunny day with Sunny brewing iced cider with spices. Klaus sat in the library, reviewing an English version of the Fairy Code.

_"It well may be  
that we will never meet again  
in this lifetime  
so let me say before we part  
so much of me  
is made from what I learned from you._

_You'll be with me  
like a handprint on my heart._

_And whatever way our stories end,  
I know you have re-written mine  
by being my friend..."_

Jack Sparrow, who had been chugging a keg of rum for the fourth time upon the urging of his crew, suddenly belched.  
_"Like a ship blown from its mooring  
by a wind off the sea,  
like a seed dropped by a skybird  
in a distant wood-  
who can say if I've been changed for the better?  
But, because I knew you..."_  
_"Because I knew you..."_ Legolas paused, scratching at his pointy ear, his blue eyes glazed over like a box of Krispy Kreme Doughnuts (Disclaimer: I OWN KRISPY KREME! FWAHAHA! Okay, it was worth a try, but you know I don't. Sorry, ruining the moment!).  
_"Because I knew you,"_ Violet smiled knowingly at Artemis.  
_"I have been changed for good..."_ Van Helsing cocked his gun, and shot at some random demon flying by on their way to Starbucks, or some random dark abyss.

The sun beamed down upon the different characters in different parts of the world, but yet the very same thought ran through all of their different minds:

_"Who can say if I've been changed for the better?"  
_Artemis shaded his eyes for a moment- somewhat reflectively, then glanced back at the young woman smiling at him, and reached over and touched her hand.

_"I do believe I have been changed for the better,"_

_"And because I knew you..." _

_"Because I knew you..." _

_"I have been changed... for good."_

The band of somehwat deranged, somewhat sweet, but all now much affected people all paused for a moment, before getting back, and on, with their very different lives.

The very unrealistic and somewhat cheesy scene-based-off-of-a-popular-musical moment did have some truth, though. All of them had been changed since they woke up on that deserted, adventuresome island. And, as the song mentioned over and over and over again, they had, in a way, been changed for the better, and most definitely, for good.

The End

* * *

**Author's Note:** Well, I hope you liked it! Have a great summer, thank you for all of your encouragement; I love you all! Farewell, my pretties! Don't forget to review! 

anotherblastedromantic


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